Hey There...new Here

[willis williams]

Dawn, there most likely isn't any soldier or vet out there that would loose respect for you for getting wounded. You should never say never when it comes to self fortitude because by the story you told I bet you can do anything you set your mind to. I mess up spelling all the time I'm college educated and don't have a head injury so whats my excuse? I am very proud of you and you can be my hero anytime. You will find that once you get more comfortable you will have meaning back in your life. Just remember self worth is not measured by others opinion and think of the posibilities of your experience. You could help design something that may help to prevent those type of injuries or a better prosthetic for your type of injury. I have a friend that was ranger in nam and a grenade took the good use of his lower leg and with a brace that goes from his lower thigh to under his foot I have watched him ski and march for the american legion. I hope to hear you on here plenty. I am going to say something to you that I hope you understand and if a carer don't leave it alone she will tell me. THANKYOU BROTHER!!! Lots of love for you. You will find a way I'm positive. TEX

 

[FMG]

People avoid us not because they don't respect the fact we were wounded but because they fear they will be next. Its not personal, its just good old fashioned fear. You probably knew people who were injured before yourself and you avoided them too for the same reason.

It does not matter how you were wounded, just that you were. No one is going to say "well my wound is worse than yours".

I know double amputees who climbed Everest. I have a calendar of pictures drawn by people from the Mouth and Foot Painters Association. It's amazing what determination and drive and sheer stubborness can achieve. I mean, if you don't have hands you cannot draw right? These are individuals who didn't listen to people who said you cannot do things. Nothing is impossible, its just a case of how much you want it and how much you are willing to fight. And put it this way, its the one thing most of us are good at.

 

[wife of]

Not a vet myself just a humble "wife of",admiting you feel a failure takes great courage and there is absolutely no shame in admitting you need to lean on your fellows for support for a while,I bet that you would be delighted to support any one of them?? You sound like an amazingly strong woman who has come down to earth with a bump and is'nt enjoying discovering that you are just human after all. I don't mean any offence,I too have only recently realised that although the world knows me as a strong female and expects me to act as such,there are times when a retreat to regroup is necessary! Take care of yourself hun and take any support offered by others,you may be in a position to return the support at some point you are deffinatly not a Zero.Please make sure you watch the video section it might help you to identify with a few things that are happening with you. Sue...

 

[femaleveteran]

thank you very much for your kind words. I really do appreciate them. I must admit I had a sort of bad day. after about 4 nights with only3 hours sleep total, i drank a really big beer....it was just one but it was substantial. I think that disclosing all I did set something off inside of me. I went to group at the VA earlier today and I was just so damned angry sitting there. I left early because I knew it was either leave or tell someone off. One guy is in my group and he is an Iraq vet who worked su[pply for some airforce unit. I was with the 82nd Abn Div and I probably saw more than he did even watching the new reports on TV. Yet he sits there and he bashes Arabs and Southwest Asian persons and anybody that just looks "arab"...like that means anything. I know I have my prejudices but I do not sit and rail on and on for almost the whole group about some middle eastern women looking at me funnny in Wal-Mart like this guy does.

Anyway today I had enough of his talk about wanting to kill every Arab looking person he sees and wanting payback and this and that and everyting in between. So, I walked out of group. I may even be kicked out of group for walking out and refusing to discuss why I was leaving.

But so be it/ It is what it is. I know I miss the military but I do not miss all the jingoism and political rhetoric that came with it (which also flew in the face of all logic and reason)and it seems it is even more rabid a sentiment among veterans....and most of them not even veterans of OIF/OEF

I do not get it. Maybe one of you will and be able to explain it to me. But I might not get your responses until tomorrow...mixing certain meds with even one (rather large) beer makes one feel sleepy and boy do I NEED sleep

 

[Jimmy1]

Dawn, I think that is your name. Firstly I am going to say I know how it feels sitting in a room feeling angry. He was probably not really angry at Arabs or whoever, they were just the target. Most people with PTSD are just angry with the world.

The thing which will help you alleviate this is to let the facilitator know that you are disturbed by what he has to say or just zone out.

I don't mean to sound like I am telling you off, but everyone's trauma is different. I used to think that the Vietnam vets were worse than me and why was I there. I was only in Communications.
Wagon (Hope you don't mind me using you as an example mate), a member of this site did not feel like he belonged here. He was involved in a gun turret explosion on a US Battleship and also a market explosion in Beirut. Because it was not active service he felt he did not belong.
During the course I did, there were probably people in the room thinking that I should not have been there as I was only a signaller. They did not know that I had weapons put to my forehead in East Timor (I was an unarmed instructor). They did not know that I ran over a civilian and can still hear the crunch of their bones in my head. They were never there when the mortars came down and I was scared shitless. They were not there at the checkpoint when US soldiers were trying to get to the CSH, smelling burnt bodies and blood.
My point is you are not alone and sometimes I know it feels like you are.

Dawn, your trauma or trauma's are important to you and are the root cause of why your feeling the way you do.
Its important that you go to therapy. Its does help. I just want you to realise that PTSD does not discriminate. It does not matter whether you are a medic, a driver, a signaller, or a grunt.

Sorry if I have offended

Jimmy

 

[femaleveteran]

Why would you think you offended me? You did not at all. What you said made perfect sense. I was field Medical Specialist (91B) and I saw a few things but nothing on the level that the infantry guys saw. I know that. I was there to patch them up when needed though and some of those images have left me feeling a little bit like I have a reel to reel playing in my head that never goes away. I guess I was just mad at this guy in group because he goes sooooo over the top when he spews his hatred from Iraqi's or anyone else of middle eastern descent. Even the Vietnam Vets in group think he goes over the line sometimes. It is almost as if he is trying to prove his hatred or something....I do not kow if that makes sense or not, but that is what it seems like. As I have said I have my prejudices, but I do not feel a neeed to go around shouting aboutt them from every soapbox.

But hey you did not offend me. I know what I did over there, I know what I saw over there and I know i did the best I posssibly could. Even if I sometimes feel like we left the place worse off then when we found it. But I do not know about that either.

To be honest I do not know a whole lot about anything with regards to Iraq....it is all a big gigantic puzzle with pieces that just do not seem to quite fit together.

 

[willis williams]

Dawn, sometimes people that were in combat and did not see action or have any traumatic experiences besides deployment will pic something to champion to feel equal. It is not right or wrong but they want attention. It is like that question that ignorant people ask (did you kill anybody ?) no matter how wrong it is thier just curiouse in a morbid way. When you are in a group of vets that have purple hearts or fought a differant war some folks feel the need to outdue everybody which makes them very transparent. Maybe he did not get the heros welcome he wanted and he is looking for it from other vets. Combat is combat no matter what your job is it is still combat. I have a friend that was in the navy did not think he would see combat he deployed twice to afganistan as a munitions guy (don't know what navy term is). He loaded navy jets with rockets he said it was fun at first until he started seeing the pictures and video from those rockets he developed PTSD and never got in one firefight but felt responsable for every kill. So it doesn't matter your job but and this guy should be a little bit humble when in a treatment group because it is not a competition and nobody that suffers PTSD wants to have a subject shouted over and over rehashing the war. All of my friends that served in nam would prefer not getting into the hate thing because it brings back memories that trigger shutdowns, flashbacks, and raige. I took my fiance to a twelve week PTSD class with the permision of the vets attending and we had a simelar fellow young 22 or 23 and he tried so hard to be heard that he came across fake and the nam vets shut him out. He only lasted about three week because he did not get the attention he wanted he quit. Just hang in there those classes help not usually on the first go round because you open up to much pain to pay full attention. You will take a little bit with you and latter on you can focus on the treatment. Just block him out because you are there for you and is he worth you mental health. Good luck TEX

 

[femaleveteran]

Yeah I talked to the facilitator of the group today and kind of went off on her telling her that I thought when this guy starts his ranting and raving that she shoudl say something about it. She disagreed with me. Oh well. I have not been feeeling too good the last couple of days and I do not know if it is because I disclosed so much here on this thread or what but I have been having all kinds of really bad kind of thinking and I am not sure what to do with myself. I just feel completely unsettled. Plus my cousin who joined the military after I got injured and was in the hospital just got out of AIT and will be going to A'stan in March. I feel totally responsible for him and if anything happens to him i do not know if I am going to be able to handle it. He is 15 years younger than I am and I used to babysit him and stuff when he was a kid. He and I have always been close and for some reason after i got hurt he thought he should join the military out of some sense of duty to me. He has tried to explain it but I do not get it at all. He was pissed because I got hurt in Iraq and I guess he felt like he wanted some payback. I could kill him myself for being so damn naive. So, in addititon to everything else that has been on my mind a great deal as well.

I do not know. Life made alot of sense for a lot of time. I did not grow up with the healthiest parental influences but i managed to avoid all the pitfalls that should have come to someone who grew up in the type of environment I grew up in. I never wanted to be a "statistic"....Now that is all I feel I am is a statistic. War-time military service got the best of me....I do not know of any other way to look at it right now. it simply got the best of me and now I am just another statisitic soldier with PTSD who could not handle the effects of serving in a combat zone. I wish General Patton was alive and in front of me because I would beg him to slap the crap out of me. I feel like I deserve it. I always handled everything but why could I not handle war? You would think that my mother taking off and abandoning me every few months when I was a kid and me having to go to foster care for months at a time until she came back would have been far worse on me than combat, right? But no, some damn war in a place 10's of thousands of miles away got the best of me. I feel like it totally broke me and I do not know if whatever part of me got broke is ever going to get any better. I think that is what scares me. I want to be my old self. I want to be totallly unafraid. I want to KNOW that I can handle anything that comes my way. I used to have such a certainty about everything I did which is why I most likely was able to accomplish most of what I put my mind too. Now I cannot even go to the daggone grocery store like a normal person.

Sorry I am soundiong like a whiner. I will stop now. PTSD is a wonderful learning experience and I cannot wait to find out what else it has in store for me......oh I am so excited. Was that a little more positive?

 

[nomedic1]

I think because you are so strong you will get through this, you wont be the same person because we all change we see life differently from other people, that doesnt make us outcasts or broken people, it makes us more complete as we have seen people at their worst. Talking about it opens up those wounds but its the only way to heal, you will always have bad days but they will get less and with the help of the medical proffesionals and these guys on here it will get better.

 

[wife of]

Ok Dawn this is just a quickie as I have to go visit my vet soon,first of all your not broken,just banged up a bit and you've proven your not broken 'cause you are looking for ways to heal yourself! I bet that whom or whatever inspired you to Join up is prob not a focus fro any type of blame for you??? Your cousin was obv an adult,albeit possibly a young one and made an adult decision,as much as you love each other you with both have to deal with this as individuals,you arent a unit,you cant support each other til you are a little stronger or you will drag each other down!!!
And remember that FEAR is part of being human,your Army training took that away from you,not sure who said it but theres a famous quote of "we have nothing to fear but fear itself!" seems quite pertinent to ptsd from what i've observed..Its all about bringing that fear down to a manageable level but first you have to acknowledge that it is there it is natural it is just being exacerbated by your training and validated by your experiances.

Wish you luck hunny,and a bag of hope,hang in there,remember the facilitator is prob listening to you asking for the guy to be told to can it and thinking "Ah yes but one day this lass will welome the fact that she can have a good rant here!",

Wishing you a good day, Sue

 

[femaleveteran]

thanks I feel better today. I did some work for a neighbor on his truck and that made me feel at least a little usefull again even if my leg is killing me right now. I have to stay moving or else I will go insane. With my injury it is hard to keep going physically but I have to find ways to keep mobile or else my head becomes like a bad neighborhood you do not want to be driving through, know what I mean? One good thing is i got a letter from my congressman today in the mail and he said that he is recommending that I get my last leg surgery sooner rather than later....the VA kept wanting to put it off and off but I wrote to both my Senator and my Congressional Representative and after reviewing everything in my records they are going to either make the VA do the surgery or they are going to fee base me out to the community to get it done. After I get this last surgery I should be almost as good as new. My leg will never be the same as it was but at least the pain level should be diminished once I get a complete knee replacement as the shrapnel tore through my knee joint and I have no attached ligaments right now, no cartilage, no menicus, My knee cap is chronically stress fractured, etc, etc...

. So that is a little ray of hope in an otherwise cloudy week. But hey, for REAL, I really appreciate the support I have gotten on this forum. I was a little leary about posting here and I started posting on the other PTSD forum initially because I did not want to hear alot of war stories and such but I like how all of you talk about how your PTSD affects you day to day and no one talks too much about graphic combat experiences. I think that would be a little much for me as I saw too much in Iraq and I have too much of a movie reel playing in my head as it is. I have gotten some real practical advice off of here and I do so appreciate it. I just hope I can put what I am learning to good use. I am only four months into having a diagnosis of PTSD (it probably should have been diagnosed before then but I ignored alot of symptoms for a while) and so I have a lot to learn but I really feel I can come here and talk and that is saying alot since there is no other place I feel that way about. Again thanks alot to everybody for listening to me.
dawn

 

[femaleveteran]

Just one more thing....my avatar photo is me....This pic is nearly 18 years old....it was taken right after I got out of Jump School and was assigned to my first duty station at Ft. Bragg NC (The 407th Forward Suppport BN) I just wanted you all to have an idea of who I am and what I looked like 18 years ago. I really miss the person in this picture and I hope one day to get that person back again....or at least the good parts of that person.