My name is Alex. I have PTSD, or, at least, some kind of anxiety disorder, because of bullying I went through in school.
Ever since I was in third grade, I have been bullied terribly. At first, it was just exclusion. Then it was words. Then, for a while, it was throwing rocks. In middle school, it became even more physical. They threw things at me on the bus. And one day, while walking home from the bus stop, a boy walked behind me and tried to set my baseball hat on fire while I was wearing it. It just never stopped. Our house got egged by one of my bullies and an older friend of his who didn't like my older brother. I was threatened by a boy three blocks away, who told me he would stab me.
I don't feel safe with people my own age most of the time. (I can attribute part of that to my Asperger's, but the lion's share comes from the anxiety caused by the bullying.) And I still feel like I have to defend myself- physically and mentally. I hate driving by the schools where I was bullied. I hate people walking behind me- they have to either walk next to me or in front of me. Because if they're behind me, I can't see what they might do next. And mentally, I always feel like I'm under attack when people say things. Basically, if they something that could either be complimentary or insulting, I'm going to believe it's insulting and respont accordingly, because that's what I'm used to after so long.
I have a lot of problems with anxiety. I get really bad panic attacks- it feels like there's a bus racing towards me, and I'm frozen to move away before it runs me over, but... there's no bus. And I have become reliant on self-harm to ease those feelings, as well as any depression, and my insomnia. And I have a lot of nightmares, too.
I'm triggered pretty easily. Anything can make me remember the bullying, and when I close my eyes, I can still see it. Rocks being thrown at me. Turning around in a panic after getting that "someone's behind me" feeling to see the flame of a lighter and the kid's laughing face. The words on the computer (The boy who lived so close and threatened me posted it online) and that sinking feeling in my stomach. It doesn't take very much for the dam to break and bring all those memories forward.
This summer, the depression got out of control, and I had to spend a week in a psych hospital. While talking with my psychiatrist, he asked me a lot about the bullying, and even though he never told me if I was officially fit the criteria or not (They didn't tell me any of their diagnoses, actually) I think I fit, or, at least, I fit the criteria for some other kind of trauma and anxiety.
I hope that wasn't too long for an introduction. Thanks for your time, and I am very happy to find a place where I can share my experiences without being judged.
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Ever since I was in third grade, I have been bullied terribly. At first, it was just exclusion. Then it was words. Then, for a while, it was throwing rocks. In middle school, it became even more physical. They threw things at me on the bus. And one day, while walking home from the bus stop, a boy walked behind me and tried to set my baseball hat on fire while I was wearing it. It just never stopped. Our house got egged by one of my bullies and an older friend of his who didn't like my older brother. I was threatened by a boy three blocks away, who told me he would stab me.
I don't feel safe with people my own age most of the time. (I can attribute part of that to my Asperger's, but the lion's share comes from the anxiety caused by the bullying.) And I still feel like I have to defend myself- physically and mentally. I hate driving by the schools where I was bullied. I hate people walking behind me- they have to either walk next to me or in front of me. Because if they're behind me, I can't see what they might do next. And mentally, I always feel like I'm under attack when people say things. Basically, if they something that could either be complimentary or insulting, I'm going to believe it's insulting and respont accordingly, because that's what I'm used to after so long.
I have a lot of problems with anxiety. I get really bad panic attacks- it feels like there's a bus racing towards me, and I'm frozen to move away before it runs me over, but... there's no bus. And I have become reliant on self-harm to ease those feelings, as well as any depression, and my insomnia. And I have a lot of nightmares, too.
I'm triggered pretty easily. Anything can make me remember the bullying, and when I close my eyes, I can still see it. Rocks being thrown at me. Turning around in a panic after getting that "someone's behind me" feeling to see the flame of a lighter and the kid's laughing face. The words on the computer (The boy who lived so close and threatened me posted it online) and that sinking feeling in my stomach. It doesn't take very much for the dam to break and bring all those memories forward.
This summer, the depression got out of control, and I had to spend a week in a psych hospital. While talking with my psychiatrist, he asked me a lot about the bullying, and even though he never told me if I was officially fit the criteria or not (They didn't tell me any of their diagnoses, actually) I think I fit, or, at least, I fit the criteria for some other kind of trauma and anxiety.
I hope that wasn't too long for an introduction. Thanks for your time, and I am very happy to find a place where I can share my experiences without being judged.
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