Sufferer Hi All

[Crow88]

I'm new, joining for a bit more support. I have cPTSD, right now I'm wishing I were dead... I'm so sick of living each day in so much pain. I live with my boyfriend who I love so much, but I cant help but think that he would be better off without me. This morning he wanted sex and I had just woken up from a nightmare, I didn't want to and he kept asking so I made an effort. He got upset because he could see I didn't want to, even though he was saying to me I didn't have to if I didn't want to - he kept getting in position so his words meant nothing.

He said this morning that its so hard for him to be in a relationship with someone in my condition. I feel so guilty for not wanting to have sex with him. But at the same time the thought of sex just feels unbearable to me. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.

Maybe this feeling will pass, maybe things will get better.

 

[Flyaway]

Hi Crow88, welcome - hope you get the support you need here! I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now!!!

That's a horrible way to wake up! Did you tell your boyfriend that you had just had a nightmare? Would it help to lay down some boundaries with him and explain the circumstances in which you do feel safe being intimate with him? For example, maybe you could explain to him what he can do to help you feel safe enough to want to have sex with him.

Hope you're feeling stronger soon!

 

[franciemarnie]

I wish he didn't keep getting in position when it was clear you were not in a mode conducive to sex. Can you imagine if it were reversed? Would you keep getting in position though he was clearly not ready to engage in relations?

I hope he doesn't keep expecting certain behaviors from you, and when he doesn't get them, shows disappointment because I could see how that would contribute to a feeling of being of little value in the world. You are entitled to feel exactly as you feel at any time - whatever the feeling.

You have great value. You may not feel that at the moment, but you do.

 

[arfie]

Small steps are my greatest recovery tool. Those big, generalized anxieties like, "Everyone would be better off without me" contain way more than can be worked with. Breaking it down into smaller, specific pieces gives you something that you can actually work on.

Joining here and making this post was a solid small step. Sit with it a while and see what grows.

Welcome to the forum, Crow. May you find healing companionship here.

 

[Crow88]

Thanks so much for you kind support guys! I'm struggling so much. My boyfriend and I aren't even talking right now (which I hate). He's treating me really coldly, like I'm the one in the wrong! Ugh, I'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight. I wish soooo much that he would either extend some kind of wish to mend things or that he'd go to counselling (with or without me). Last time we attempted couple's counselling I put my all into it, but he just acted like it was all a huge embarrassment and then took his anger out on me. I've spent my whole life being made to feel like a burden, I do not need this right now! But I also love him and he is amazingly kind, sweet and intelligent.

I feel like all this is just my fault. I f*ck everything up and apparently I'm "hard to love because of your illness"...

That is such a horrible thing to say and I would never dream about saying that to anyone, least of all my own partner - so why did he say that to me? It's not my fault that awful people did awful things to me as a child and teenager. I'm in therapy now and have been working SO hard on recovery! It never seems to be enough though...
Thanks again to everyone who replied. I'm very grateful :)

 

[Philippa]

I don't really feel qualified to be giving advice on boundaries within relationships, as I've recently had some issues of my own with that, but I will say that from what you have shared it seems like he is being pretty manipulative, which isn't cool. From what you've said it isn't your fault.

You are entitled to not feel like sex, and just because he wants it does not mean you have to just give into him to make him happy. He may need to grow up a bit and stop thinking the world revolves around his pleasure at your expense. Respecting where you are at is more important than pretending you aren't there to give him what he wants. It's ok to disappoint him. It is. It's not ok for him to pressure you into something you are in no frame of mind to do whilst acting like he cares about what you want.

There are TWO of you in this relationship and what you want is just as important as what he wants. Perhaps he has forgotten that part? Apparently he thinks his wants are more important than yours and your well being.

Maybe I am just being a menstrual bee-atch right now, so if this sounds too blunt you are free to ignore my words. :)

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Crow88,

Arfie makes a good point about the whole "filtered thinking" thing: don't let this incident and others like it, be the only things that define you. You are so much more than that! The matter at hand is one of finding a way for you and your partner to deal with this aspect of your relationship. Perhaps he needs to work on some things from his side, like when it is better just to back off quietly and give you some space at times like these.

Many couples seem to have sexual issues, different levels of desire at different times, different response patterns and what they feel safe with and what not. It is just that much more heightened when there is a history of sexual trauma involved. Maybe if this is pointed out to him, he will realise that like other couples, you can also both work on this and also develop greater trust and intimacy along the way?

Wishing you all the best and just to say that it is really cr@p to feel that way: when sex doesn't work out, and your partner gets all frustrated and offended about it. Wouldn't it be nice just to be held or talked to gently and told "Don't worry my Love, it will be alright".
So, if he is not able to do this yet, then instead, please talk to yourself gently, embrace yourself and tell yourself that it will be alright.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome!

Working through PTSD symptoms, with partners can be a challenge. Waking up to a sexual "expectation" is disconcerting and disrespectful, when you are recovering from a traumatic dream. You are entitled to your needs too.

When things cool down, talking this through, by yourselves, or a with therapist may be helpful. Relationships are about negotiations, moment by moment. Always know your needs are reasonable.

Also, it may be helpful to remind yourself in moments of doubting yourself, that you generate your emotions and your partner generates his emotions (i.e. you are not to blame for his emotions, responses, and pouting.) Truly, finding someone who can be kind, when you are dealing with PTSD issues, is worth it.

Thanks for your post.
Hope you continue to find support on the forum!

 

[StarChild]

Dear Crow88, first of all, welcome to the forum! :)

he kept getting in position so his words meant nothing.

Well, maybe my question sounds silly or indelicate, but I'm someone who asks frankly. I don't really comprehend (as English isn't my first language) what exactly is meant by that statement of yours? Was he already trying to act out physically? Or did he hold you in a manner you couldn't "escape"? Please know, if my question is embarrassing you or is to personal or to difficult to answer, feel free to say, "I can't/won't explain this further".

He said this morning that its so hard for him to be in a relationship with someone in my condition

and apparently I'm "hard to love because of your illness

Your boyfriend, in my opinion, is acting a bit egoistic and manipulative. He tries to make you feel guilty so that he can get what he wants. Another question; In such a situation, when he "wants sex" from you, does he simply just go for his "needs" or is he then really interested to make you enjoy this moment too with him? For if he's just looking for himself, it's just another form of masturbating, though he doesn't use his own hands, but his partner to get his orgasm...

He's treating me really coldly, like I'm the one in the wrong!

Yup, one more time I see manipulation here. He treads you bad, or is even punishing you, because you don't give in to his will.

As I already told you, you don't have to answer my questions, but maybe you'd like to think them over? All what counts is that your as precious, and as entitled to your own feelings and needs as everybody else on this planet. I'm proud of you Crow88 and of your courage to reach out for support. :tup:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Sweet Lullaby (and I'm sure all of the above -but I haven't read much because I'm in a bad place myself) makes a really good point here. I got nothing much to add :-) Except you are the most valuable thing in your own life, and nobody else can decide that for you.

I've been dumped because I was "hard to love because of my illness" too. I decided he wasn't worth a serious relationship if he wasn't willing to invest in it. Obviously both have to be willing to invest, but both also have to watch their own boundaries. And respect each others' boundaries. If that doesn't happen, maybe a relationship is not the way to go.

Just an idea though, based on my own experience. It is not a suggestion, as you know in your heart what's best! Welcome to the forum, I think you'll find it a good place to be. And also: I love your avatar! (Ravens are just cool and it also reminds me of a band I like, Katatonia).

 

[Philippa]

I've been dumped because I was "hard to love because of my illness" too. I decided he wasn't worth a serious relationship if he wasn't willing to invest in it.

That is exactly how I would assess the relationship as well if it were me. Anyone who makes you feel like it's too much work to be with you because of your condition isn't worth investing in. My mother basically had the same attitude with me...that she 'couldn't be bothered' and I was 'too much work'. What can I say to that...my own mother couldn't be bothered working through things, regardless of how hard they were, for her own daughter? What other conclusions can I draw but that she isn't worth bothering with either?

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)