Sufferer Hi, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Rapes, Marital Violence

[anabelle]

Hi.

I've been in counseling for 11 years for what was at first thought to be anxiety & depression. I had told my therapist that I was molested for years as a child but didn't think it affected me. Then I made a friend who had also been abused and she pointed out things about me that were quite disturbing. I talked to my therapist about them, and we started working on the problems from the abuse. This was 4 years into therapy.

Since then I've been referred to a neuropsychiatrist and had Qeeg's, Spect scan, and MRI. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I can't seem to handle a life right now- I'm stuck in survival mode. I decided to try to connect with others who are seeking healing. That's what brought me here.

<edited for paragraph breaks by Deaf Global Nomad>

 

[CPTSD]

Hi Annabelle. I have only just joined this forum myself. So far, I really like what I am reading here, and I like the rules, too!

I have had Complex PTSD for most of my life, but I wasn't diagnosed until 9 years ago, which was right before I turned 50. I've made a lot of progress in healing and learning to live with my PTSD, but I still have a long ways to go. I wish I had been properly diagnosed and treated way back when I first had the symptoms, but in those days PTSD was not yet a diagnosis, and there was no treament. How wonderful it is now to have ready access to so much knowledge and peer support!

One thing that helped me very much when I was finally diagnosed, was being told, by my psychiatrist, that PTSD is not really a mental illness, in his opinion, but rather a psychological injury. In other words, we are not Born Broken. The doctor who told me this, who diagnosed my PTSD after giving me a whole battery of psychological and physical tests, is Paul Meier, MD, of Richardson, Texas. He is very well known, he has written and/or co-authored over 80 books on the subject of mental health, and he is the founder of the nationwide chain of Meier Clinics (formerly Minirth-Meier). Dr. Meier himself told me: "PTSD is a normal reaction to extreme trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed. You are not crazy, you are NORMAL, considering what you have gone through."

 

[Girl3]

Hi annabelle and CPTSD - we have similar stories. I was treated for 30 years for things that I didn't have and got my correct diagnosis just before I turned 50. Life is so much better with a correct diagnosis because I have something to work on, to read about, and things make sense now.

Judith Lewis Herman,MD wrote a great book called Trauma and Recovery. She has dedicated her career to PTSD and was one of the first to recognize that those of us whose traumas began in childhood and span many decades creates some special problems both diagnostically and in terms of treatment.

I hope you both gain strength and healing.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((anabelle)))))

Welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for all you have had to live through. May your healing be profound and helped through good support, acceptance, wisdom, and friendship, both here an in real life.

 

[anabelle]

Thank you for the encouragement. I had gone to 12 step groups and learned that I am responsible for my feelings, but the anxiety is so intense that I avoid leaving the house except to work. I've only started experiencing the emotion of anger in the last 3 years- and that rarely. And I don't cry. Sometimes I feel so intensely and other times I don't feel like there is a "me" in here at all. The people in the groups didn't comprehend what I was saying at all. I'm now waiting for the results from a Triple Challenge Qeeg I had 2 weeks ago. At least my neuro hears what I'm saying. I hope some of you can understand, too.

 

[Girl3]

You are in there anabelle - and you may have tried on other people over time to try and find you. But you have to feel your emotions to be able to find yourself.

Finding someone who understands and can stand to listen is often fraught with challenges.

Read, underline, write, repeat - over time you will begin to see parts of you emerging. You will start to feel angry about things over which you never thought you had any right to be angry. Crying will come eventually as well.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the Forum, Anabelle!

I basically grew up in therapy in different countries throughout Europe. With interruptions after each move, teachers soon became aware of my family situation and that they could not intervene due to my father's diplomatic immunity. My symptoms of PTSD were so obvious that my teachers made sure that I always had a safe place in addition to school. Being Deaf and recently having moved to a new country, I was the prime candidate for play therapy and/or sand-play therapy. It is still my favorite therapy technique and I have missed it.

Wishing you well on your journey!

 

[anabelle]

You are in there anabelle - and you may have tried on other people over time to try and find you. But you have to feel your emotions to be able to find yourself.

At one point I was diagnosed with "possible dissociative identity disorder". Time has never been consistent for me, and I started hearing talking inside and outside my head. My therapist said I had fragments that were separated from my core self, and they've since been integrated. I don't hear them anymore, but there doesn't seem to be anybody left who is me. I understand they all are me, but I've lost some of the functions that each carried out in my life (Example: arithmetic, reading base cleft in music, balancing checkbook, etc.) I'm relearning the functions, but there's still that emptiness of self. Causes real anxiety socially, hence the isolation.

Keeping a journal to help me process reactions, urges, etc. I get suicidal ideation but my ex-husband is dying of cancer, and I can't abandon my grown children while this is happening. Protecting them from his violence has kept me alive up to this point.

I understand what you're saying about feeling my emotions to find me. They just don't feel safe yet. I'm not giving up.

 

[Girl3]

I know exactly what you're saying - in fact about a year ago, when I participated in my first experimental drug trial, I got freaked about the "what ifs". Because I'd been the way I was for nearly 50 years and what if all the sudden I was so different that I could no longer function as the previous me did.

The journal is a great thing. Finding safety is tough sometimes, but I understand that as well.

Great healing, keep us posted.