Hi Everyone

[Mark1981]

My name is Mark, and I've been diagnosed with severe depression/PTSD. I'm not sure what to share but I know what I need to say. I suffered abuse when I was a child. I am now a father and a husband, by all rights I should be thrilled, my wife loves me and my daughter is happy and healthy. I'm on meds to help manage the depression but I seem to fight working on the PTSD, my wife doesn't like to talk about it because it makes her feel uncomfortable and to be honest I don't want to burden her. I have flashbacks, snap at people for no reason and basically am not very pleasant sometimes. Until I began taking the meds for the depression I was, to put it lightly, a complete jerk to my wife and her family. Many people suggested that she should divorce me, and looking back, I think she should have.

Now I'm able to control it a lot better, but I'm still haunted. I worry, what if what happened to me with the babysitter happens if to my daughter...I honestly believe that if anyone did that I would kill them, without hesitation. The thought that worries me the most though, what if I hurt her like my father hurt me...for background purposes understand that my father physically and mentally abused me, hitting me from the age of five, telling me I was worthless the exact quote was, "You're just fat, lazy and stupid and you'll never amount to anything." And I worry that I could become the monster my father was. As of now my father denies ever saying that, or beating us, though my sister and I vividly recall the abuse heaped on both of us.

Back to topic, with the stress of finding a new job and all of these fears and this pain has led me to pretty much feel like a failure and worthless and this in turn has led to more flashbacks and dreams and I feel myself starting to slip away into my more "survival mode" self (as my wife and I determined that the self I displayed before meds was basically the only way I could have lived as long as I did without killing myself). I don't know if it's too much info for this or what, I haven't slept well in weeks so it may be utter nonsense.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mark and welcome :)

I can see you are tying yourself in knots over 'what ifs'. But you show clear insights into your problems. You WONT hurt your daughter the way you were hurt because you have the strength and maturity and the benefit of hindsight. Abused people are more likely to PROTECT their own children despite the myths to the contrary.

And sure you feel your wife shoud have divorced you. I have offered my husband a divorce many times. It is about pushing away the ones you love in order to isolate yourself and protect yourself from the fear that people you trust might hurt you. They did before when you were small. A clever survival mechanism, just not so useful now you are an adult.

Poor sleep certainly doesn't help PTSD symptoms. But you make perfect sense.........

Best Wishes
Lucy x

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mark,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. This is a great place for information and support as you work towards healing.

Stress and lack of sleep definitely increase symptoms. Hopefully your doctor or T can help you with the insomnia.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Mark1981. You did well coming here and I've noticed that you are starting to view some other posts. You can also read some articles which will enlighten what you are feeling.

I too came from a dysfunctional family where there was alcohol and violence. I too felt that fear of what you are talking about. One of my brothers really got the worst going through as a child. But we ended up good parents, we made our mistakes but not like my mother and father made. I am now a grandmother and I see the difference in my grandchildren. You know, you are conscious of what you went through and you are taking meds, so that is already a big difference in how you are going to react.

My PTSD was caused because I witnessed an awful crime. I took not only the meds but therapy to help me through the rough period of flashbacks and nightmares. It is hard for family members to deal with our PTSD behavior which is more a survival defense mecanisme. With therapy, I became more socially acceptable and had tricks to deal with my isolation, anger and lack of sleep (that was becoming a phobia - scared of the nightmares).

I don't know if it's too much info for this or what, I haven't slept well in weeks so it may be utter nonsense.

For a first post, there is plenty of information, some write less, others write more. And it is NOT utter nonsense. Keep posting, you will meet people who will relate to your story, you are not alone.

 

[Mark1981]

It's so weird having PTSD...like you said I know in my head that my daughter is probably the safest, well protected kid on the block. But I worry that I might be too harsh on her, or I'll say something that will make her feel like I do. She's three and probably one of the happiest kids I've ever seen...I just want it to stay that way, I want her to be happy, my wife to be happy and I really wouldn't mind if I was happy too.

 

[Kim]

I too suffer from Complex Trauma and I wasn't diagnosed until 2 months ago (my oldest is now 30). I raised my kids without knowing I had PTSD or meds and I never treated them the way my mother treated me. Hindsight gives us 20/20. I also like to say that I learned how not to try people by the way my mother treated me. I never wanted to be responsible for anyone feeling the way I did growing up because of something I said or did.

 

[Addy]

It's so weird having PTSD...like you said I know in my head that my daughter is probably the safest, well protected kid on the block. But I worry that I might be too harsh on her, or I'll say something that will make her feel like I do. She's three and probably one of the happiest kids I've ever seen...I just want it to stay that way, I want her to be happy, my wife to be happy and I really wouldn't mind if I was happy too.

Welcome Mark... I think it is great that you've been able to share so much with us so quickly. And the fact that you are so aware of your daughter, how she feels, and your hopes for her future bode well for her being a happy well-adjusted girl. You clearly have empathy for her and care about how your PTSD could effect her, which is why I believe you will NEVER duplicate the type of abuse perpetrated upon you. The best thing you can do to take care of her now and in the future is to continue to work on your own healing. I can relate to most of what you wrote, as I too suffered verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father as a child. I'm being treated for depression, ptsd and dissociation, so I do understand. Best wishes Mark and keep posting! :)

 

[a3a2]

I can relate to a lot of what you have written, Mark. Have you had any therapy. I have found it to be very helpful, especially with my relationships with my husband and kids.

 

[mamachick]

Hi Mark, Welcome. You are in the right place. I think you will find a lot of information and support here.
Glad to hear you were diagnosed and have gotten on some meds that help, both for you and for your family. I do hope you are getting therapy along with the meds-its really important. The thing is, abused people end up abusing others even when they don't mean to.

Most parents don't get up in the morning and say, Im gonna be as hurtful as I can with words or beat the crap out of a kid, it can be very insidious. Most want to be better parents than their own parents were and say they would never do what their parents did. Yet in wanting a good life for their family, when their is stress, we tend to resort back to what we know and our feelings come through. That is nothing to be ashamed of-just nature. It would be a shame to repeat the cycle. Sometimes when we attempt to be different than our parents, we do the exact opposite and that can be just as harmful. I can tell you are very caring and want to be a loving husband and father. If you seek therapy for yourself work on getting better, it will be better for all. Im sorry to disagree with others, but we can not do this alone, and we only get one chance to be the parent we want-we cant go back.

Im glad your here and so willing to share. There is a lot of good resources as well as support. Again-Welcome

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Mark, welcome

I think you are approaching things as head-on as possible.

I think it is very responsible of you to recognize what your wife has been through because of unmanaged symptoms and also what you yourself have overcome.
But that is (also) the past- she has remained with you, and therefore must love you very much, understand this is an illness, if you will, recognize you are working hard to overcome it, and that you are committed to keeping your family intact.
I bet she thinks you are a wonderful man, husband and father.

You will not repeat the abuse with your own daughter if you can recognize when you are slipping and identify you need help.
There are lots of techniques such as grounding etc to manage the ptsd symptoms better. -Like your avatar says :)

Your daughter as you've said is the happiest around, that is also a present reality so you must be doing something very right.
Kids are mostly afraid of what they don't understand, as you explain more to her over the years she will not find anything unusual about it but will likely be very proud to have you as a dad and more empathetic (herself) to others' needs and situations.

I wish you and your family healing, happiness and joy on your journey.

 

[Ron]

Welcome Mark ! You made it ! You survived !