Undiagnosed Hi, I'd Like To Talk About, Meet People That Were Abduction As A Child.

[boo urns]

Wow I didn't expect so many response's. Ty

And, yes there is always more to the story.

Well yes I bounced back and forth between parents, but my father had soul custody. His mother die young and he thought it was important for us to have a relationship with her. It wasn't till...well to tell you the truth, to get a timeline out of my father is like trying to get water from a stone. Ill try my best.

I think as a child 2-3 I spent a year with her. Then my dad got full custody, but we still spent time with her. I don't remember much of anything. It wasn't till we retuned from in a mobile home trip, that my dad put a restraining order on her. Basically we (me and two older brother) retuned it quite a state. I was pinching my fathers butt, my middle brother was having night terrors and the oldest said that at night she would have sex with her boyfriend with us in the mobile home. Other then this and the above statement this is all I know.

Yes, as a adult I understand that he didn't want escalate the situation of when she took me. I am relaying my thoughts and feeling's of abandonment as I was a child. It's really the feeling, not the rational thought that lead to a bit of little resentfulness. Which is really harsh of me cause he was a single father raising three kids.

My current state is;

My therapist iv know since I was seventeen when I experiences a major depressive episode. Placed on ciperlex, that pretty much saved me life. She never diagnosed me with PTSD, and well she just said major depressive disorder. I stopped going after a year, it costs a lot, and as a young teen, I felt all better.

Went back after being dumped from a long term relationship (7 years) at the age of 26. I'v been going for about a year now. I don't know but she seems a lot more hesitant about diagnosing me now. She said to change to Wellbutrin, and I'v been feeling great. Pretty much she say's I have anxiety that lead to my depression, that cause's more anxiety and more depression. I know this is a PTS form, if this isn't the correct place to post, would you happen to know of one.

She says the same thing you guys said. Their must be more to the story. But we will never know.

Oh and speaking of question. Advice question to ask my father would be great.

I just feel like their is nothing more to ask.

 

[intothelight]

Hi boo ums,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

Personally, I believe that honest and open communication is the best kind, but it is difficult. Set the framework for the discussion in terms of increasing understand for you to help yourself and reassure him it is not about judgement or blame. I hope it goes well for the both of you.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[DMerish]

Oh and speaking of question. Advice question to ask my father would be great.

Hi BooUrns,

Go back through the thread and read what Intothelight said and the last paragraph of my original post. Read them a couple of times if you need to until they make sense. I'm not trying to be mean, ordering you to do this: I just know that sometimes it helps to understand something if one goes over it again and again. Okay?

Sometimes when we haven't faced a situation before, or did but weren't too successful, it's because we don't know what words to say or how to go about approaching a situation. That being said, you just need to be genuine and honest about your state, what it is you want to know, why you want the information, and be completely open to accepting the answer provided. {that doesn't mean you can't inquire further if the answer first given is short or vague)

First off, it's probably a good idea to catch your father at a time when he's alone and not distracted by a favorite TV program, etc. Sit down near/next to him (if you can). Just don't sit directly opposite from him. Sit quietly for a few minutes so both of you get very comfortable with each other's presence. If you are sitting close enough, and if you feel comfortable touching him, lightly put your hand on his forearm, his shoulder or knee. This will get his attention and he'll probably look towards you - that's when you'll catch his eyes and begin to speak.

Take your time (don't rush it) and say something like:
(1) Dad, something's been bothering me. (2) Is it okay that we talk about it? (3) I think you can help me sort it out."

#1 - self-disclosure generally helps to put the other person at ease. Plus, any half-decent parent will feel honored that their child feels they are a trustworthy parent and will want to oblige. #2 request to talk puts the power to say "no" - everyone prefers feeling they have the power to do that. #3 is similar to #1 with a little extra ego stroke.

The likelihood is that your dad will say "Sure" or "Of course" or "What's on your mind"

Then you self-disclose again (gently and without judgment of him): "Well, dad, I've been curious about something for a while. You remember the night when mom came and got me, right? I remember seeing you just before I got into the car. I've always wondered why you didn't stop her from taking me. It was not pleasant living with her those couple of years, and I guess I expected you to come and get me. But you didn't, and it took a while before the cops finally came and got me. Dad, why did it take so long?*

* Asking why did it rather than why did you take so long puts the question into an objective format. Using "it" makes the question non-personal, non judgmental. Using "you" could garner defensiveness.

Now sit back and just listen. Try not to react to anything he says, unless something he says makes you feel happy/satisfied. If he gives a short answer, gently probe for more. For instance, if he says "Its really complicated because of laws. I just couldn't have you any earlier." Repeat self-disclosure and inquiry. Admit you're not very familiar with how the laws worked back then. "Could you explain more?"

Keep doing this until you feel satisfied, you become exhausted, or he shuts down. Regardless of what halts the conversation, thank him for saying what he did and give him a hug.

If you get to the point of feeling satisfied and things make sense - hooray! But the likelihood is that there will still be a few holes left (parents don't oftentimes tell their children everything).

Ponder what he told you against what you know. Throw out anything you think is b.s. then form your own theory of why things unfolded the way that they did. Realize what he went through was probably one of the most difficult times in his life, that he did the best that he could with the skills and resources he had at the time, and that inside him was, and is, a little boy (just like there is a little girl inside you) that craves love, acceptance and understanding.

What you're going through is completely normal IMO. You're in your mid-late 20's and that's the best time to sort out what happened in one's childhood, to decide which parts of it are worthy of keeping and which ones to let go. Both, the good and the bad, will always be with you. But discovering your theory of what happened and why will help you to reconcile the bad parts and move on. Good luck :hug:

P.S. Bring (or have) a box of tissues in the room.

 

[boo urns]

I understand complete and honest communication is important to a relationship.

It's just theirs a point in your life, where you have to stop blaming every little thing that went wrong in your past as their fault.

When I think of the resentment towards my father. I feel it is something that has more to do with me then him. It has to do with my current fears and insecurities.

I'v had very honest conversations with my father about my past. And accepting that he doesn't have all the answers and can't curb my anxiety, I feel is important.

I'm insecure in this point in my life, it hasn't always been this way. And blaming my father for not picking me up is silly.

That being said. My therapist stresses the important of respecting that little girl and understanding a child's thoughts are very different from a adults. Hence when I feel that inner child, yank at me and say, "I'm all alone, everyone left me." I am able to understand that at that moment when I was effected by the kidnapping, was truly scary for a kid. And the feeling's that of abandonment are justifiable from a child's perspective. Now that I've recognized that when I have these feeling they are directly linked to that childhood experience I'm able to step back and look at my current reality. A reality when I do have great control in my life, and I can pick up my metaphorical inner child and say, you are good, you are worth.

This again is a process. And today is a good day. Where as their are day, in which I posted my first post when I feel like that scared child. Self-esteem is on going.

And I believe my answers lie, more with in me then in my need for my fathers "approval." What I really need is my own approval, compassion, and support.

 

[intothelight]

Hi BooUms,

Wow, that is a great post and I wish I could hit "like" more than once.

Understanding where the feelings originate and why they are what they are is so important in learning regulate them. Yes, you are correct that as a child you felt fear when your father left and that fear still comes to the surface. But at the same time, you can't judge or blame yourself or your father as they were very valid feelings at that point in your life. It is the acceptance of that part of the past and understanding from an adult perspective that will enable you to overcome that fear when it becomes part of your present.

And blaming my father for not picking me up is silly.

Just one suggestion...as a child blaming your father is not "silly" as that is a perfectly normal response for a child to have. Try to accept those feelings and not attach judgement to them. They just are and if you judge them, in a way you invalidate yourself. Rationally you understand as an adult, but it still doesn't change the fear you felt as a child. No blame, just what is and the goal is to work through the fear.

I hope this makes sense and you are really doing a good job in getting a handle on this.

Debbie