Linda Strawberry-Coloma
New Here
I'm sitting here annoyed because I can't go to a fun night my friend put together because it is happening at a place that is apparently a trigger for me. I had a full on flashback episode full with complete panic hypervigilance and I had to take my meds and pass out for a few hours. So, needless to say I am not going. I am really pissed off about it. I get so mad when this stuff affects my life and I have no control over it.
My basic story is I had a terrible ex who manipulated, controlled, and abused me mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually. He even tried to kill me, then tried to kill himself months later when I was about to testify in court making me feel that I would never escape him and I perjured myself in court for that bastard ruining the prosecutors case. Otherwise I'm sure he would have gone to jail and I wish more than anything that would have happened. I had to live through two more years of trying to slowly escape this terrible person. I had no idea I had ptsd til much later. I did start drinking and doing lots of drugs. I was a mess. I lost my record deal and fell apart and if I hadn't met my husband I'm sure I would have just fallen off the deep end. It was such a transformative and isolating experience. I have never been the same. Now four years later (two since he last contacted me) I have been doing with repressed memories resurfacing and ptsd, acute panic disorder etc. I get so hypervigilant. I relive it. I wake up screaming.
Through all of this I have been able to continue on in my life but it has isolated me to an extent. Like tonight. I should be celebrating and showing off my art and instead here I am at home crying. I feel paralyzed. I am so angry those events have such a hold on my present awesome and safe and secure life. It is totally illogical. I have gone back on meds and I am going to go back to treatment. I think I also need to move for a while. I didn't go to treatment for a long time because I didn't feel like I wanted to drudge it all up and deal with it. It was too much. Now however, I am a mother and I feel I can handle it. I am just having such a bad week.
My basic story is I had a terrible ex who manipulated, controlled, and abused me mentally, spiritually, physically, sexually. He even tried to kill me, then tried to kill himself months later when I was about to testify in court making me feel that I would never escape him and I perjured myself in court for that bastard ruining the prosecutors case. Otherwise I'm sure he would have gone to jail and I wish more than anything that would have happened. I had to live through two more years of trying to slowly escape this terrible person. I had no idea I had ptsd til much later. I did start drinking and doing lots of drugs. I was a mess. I lost my record deal and fell apart and if I hadn't met my husband I'm sure I would have just fallen off the deep end. It was such a transformative and isolating experience. I have never been the same. Now four years later (two since he last contacted me) I have been doing with repressed memories resurfacing and ptsd, acute panic disorder etc. I get so hypervigilant. I relive it. I wake up screaming.
Through all of this I have been able to continue on in my life but it has isolated me to an extent. Like tonight. I should be celebrating and showing off my art and instead here I am at home crying. I feel paralyzed. I am so angry those events have such a hold on my present awesome and safe and secure life. It is totally illogical. I have gone back on meds and I am going to go back to treatment. I think I also need to move for a while. I didn't go to treatment for a long time because I didn't feel like I wanted to drudge it all up and deal with it. It was too much. Now however, I am a mother and I feel I can handle it. I am just having such a bad week.
