Hi I'm New Here Tho Not To Ptsd .. Anyone Else Suffering The Effects Of Abuse By Their Mother?

[Kay C]

Hi AnnDeb,

I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 15, after being hospitalized for trying to kill herself. I think she sexually abused me as well, but I don't have narrative memories so I'm not sure. I've been having more frequent (and more painful, and longer lasting) body memories lately, as well as some very disturbing sexual dreams. I also feel extremely anxious and irritable whenever I have to visit my mother. Wondering if these are signs that narrative memories might be emerging soon? I've spent 17 years in therapy, trying to solve the mystery of "what the hell happened to me???" I would greatly appreciate getting to hear more about your personal journey, if you are willing to share. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

From my research and education in developmental psychology, the memories may remain vague or as body memories if the abuse occurred prior to a certain age. In most kids that age is between 2 and 3 years. Body memories, sensations, and motor memories can break through this barrier. However, putting words and developing a narrative to events or learning that took place prior to the begin of narrative memory processing may be difficult. Maybe trying out some unconscious type of therapy might help. Some people can access early memories by drawing pictures, using visual imagery, hypnosis (if done with an expert and without chemicals), etc...

Abuse is not something that you necessarily want to remember, but having vague and unclear recollections and not being sure has got to be worse. I hope you find the resolution and conclusion that you need for yourself to recover.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I was sexually abused by my mother as well. When I was young the memories are sketchy but they are pretty...there and hard to deny. They always have to some extent. I don't believe it was "violent". She is very much a child, and I think the abuse was more childlike then sadistic, if that makes any sense. When I believe I was "too old" for her (when I hit 8, she seemed to lose interest in me), her abuse became sharing explicit details about sex, as "sex-ed". As I got even older, the abuse changed to a sadistic teasing, tormenting, touching. She would get my friends in on it, and use info she knew about me. She also let me date adult men from an early age, and also allowed me to spend time with a pedophile when I was 12. And the weirdest thing, is she was overly-affectionate with her touching, hugs, kisses, etc. She treated me like her boyfriend. I was always repulsed by her...and felt so guilty! I would start a panic attack on the airplane to go visit...which was 7 hours away.

She was sexually abused and I can see how badly it was handled. And, like you, she just continued it on me. I dont have many memories of the early stuff. Honestly, before starting therapy a year ago, I barely knew anything about myself before the age of 21. But I always had that sense that something was seriously wrong.

Anyways, it caught my eye. I was debating if I should share the nature of my primary abuser. Thank you for doing it first :)

 

[anndeb]

You're welcome.. Sorry you had to endure such abuse, as did we all. Sounds like you are making good progress with your therapy tho and i wish you all the best. I think you will find lots of support here.

 

[Kim]

I was sexually abused by my mother as well.
Anyways, it caught my eye. I was debating if I should share the nature of my primary abuser. Thank you for doing it first :)

So much of your story is true for me, sad thing about it is I'm just now realizing these behaviors of my mother are wrong.

My dad was no prize either, tho he never touched me, his was emotional abuse. But my mother was my horror trip, with molestation and torture and rape while I was very young.

I went many years without any memories (wondering why I hated her so much all my life) but with much searching finally retrieved 'body memories' and the whole history of it all, and at last my life began to make some sense.

A memory of horror to be sure, but at least it was a part of me and no longer buried and preventing my from having any true sense of myself and my own history. Any others of you out there with mother abuse in your background? I would love to hear from you. Blessings peace and love to all..

I completely hold my mother just as responsible for my abuse, she knew and did nothing.

 

[anndeb]

You are not alone Kim.. so many of the survivors I know, in face to face life as well as online feel just as you do.. they have parents or other responsible people in their lives who have known and yet done nothing.. so sad yet so true.

I feel deep down my dad 'should ' have known, yet the whole family seemed set up in such a dysfunctional manner that I am no longer surprised that he somehow didn't. Yet the feelings that he should have somehow protected me are still with me. And they hurt.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Not to side track but my dad used to go on tangents about how women NEVER sexually abuse children. He would hear something on the news, or some comment or just out of the blue and he would get all aggravated about it. It was always strange to me. I dont think I was in a place I could even acknowledge the abuse myself, call it abuse or even remember the important parts. Yet, his reaction seemed so out of the ordinary to me. Now I think it was him, knowing on some level, there was abuse.

 

[anndeb]

I remember as an 8 year old or so trying to 'tell' my dad about one of the emotionally abusive things my mother did (I had no memories of the sexual abuse at that time) and him getting all worked up, angry and upset that I should even suggest such a thing as that to him.. Now I too am wondering if at some level he 'knew' and was denying , therefore the reaction to my having brot it up to him. I never said anything to him about her ever again after that. He was in fact I think in some way a co-conspiritor to her actions and I never again saw him in the same light as I had before, a possible ally in my efforts to deal with her ongoing emotional abuse. It was a deeply disappointing realization and hurts a bit to this day. He had been my hero when i was younger. :(

 

[Love&Light]

My first memories of my mother are painful and sexually abusive.