Sufferer Hi, I'm New Here.

[Daisygirl]

Your welcome, gizmo. I know what you mean. Your support has meant a lot to me too.

I think I am still healing from it. My abuse occurred when I was a child. It was the only church life that I knew. My "brainwashing" was so complete that whenever someone mentioned God, I immediately thought of my dad.
I have done years of therapy with a trauma therapist. I also got a lot of help from a pastoral counselor. She was an ordained minister and a therapist. She helped me a lot with theology and understanding the way scripture was misused and misinterpreted. It was the beginning of me getting free from the general feeling that I was going to hell just because I was me, that I was a bad person, and everything was my fault.

I have spent a lot of time studying the Bible and understanding for myself what the scripture means. At least I try to understand. I have at least let go of the "hellfire and brimstone" theology I grew up with.

However, I still can't go to church. I have tried many times, and I always get worse. I have horrible flashbacks. Just typing this, I am shaking really bad. Scripture becomes warped and I can't remember there is a loving God. I just don't feel safe in church. So I worship and pray as best I can.

I haven't tried EMDR. I looked into it back around 2000-2001, when it was first being used. My therapist had a colleague who did EMDR. Her colleague didn't think I would be a good candidate because my trauma history was too complex and occurred over a long period of time. At this point I had already done a lot processing. My T and the EMDR therapist both agreed that the risk it could make me worse was too great. So, I followed their advice.

I am sorry that your children and you went through this. Since you already had PTSD, this church must have really set you back, not to mention the gossip and rumors. Church is supposed to be a place of refuge, safety, support and understanding. I am really angry and sad for you that while you were trying to heal from your childhood, then this happened too.

From what you describe it sounds like this pastor took advantage of your trust and then some. I started a thread on PTSD Discussions called "Honor Thy Father and Mother". The Albatross and Eleanor made some posts there about theology and authority figures that really helped me. Paraphrasing what they said - just because someone is in a position of authority doesn't make them healthy, kind or wise.

I wish I could be of more help. I will definitely think lots of positive thoughts that EMDR helps you let this trauma go. Take care of yourself!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Daisygirl-

I thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I'm alittle worried about the EMDR now because I have had a lifetime of traumas.
I can't go to a church either. It is the religon I have a hard time with. It is too triggering and I think I won't be going to a church again.

I read the whole posts on Honor your father and mother and I found it very comforting.

Again thank you for your healing words, I appreciate them alot.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi gizmo - Your welcome. I am glad that you found some comfort from the information. I feel amazing relief and comfort getting validation from others with PTSD. :) Much more help than group therapy that didn't have others with PTSD.

I guess with EMDR it depends on where you are in processing your trauma? I have a lot of repressed memories. I have remembered enough to answer my questions about why I have huge gaps in memory, why I feel the way I do, why I have the symptoms I do. But I haven't remembered everything and I don't want to.

EMDR could backfire with me, I think, because I could start remembering again. If you don't have this issue, then it may be worth a shot. I can't say for sure what is best. Perhaps you can discuss it with your psychiatrist and also ask the EMDR therapist to put your mind at ease?

I am sorry my information has caused you to worry, when you were so hopeful before. I hope that whatever you decide to do, you are at peace with your choice.

I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. By the way - Congratulations on being 3 years sober! Great job!!! :):tup:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi, (((Gizmo))) Just wanted to encourage you to be open to EMDR. It helped me more than I can explain. It, and my T helped me 'create' a new image of my daughter's death. My memories were sometimes paralyzingly painful, and the 'pictures' I would flashback to were painful and would sometimes ruin my entire day.

EMDR helped me contain the thoughts and emotional pain, and I was finally able to 'let her go'. That made it easier to deal with the deeper issues that had been there my whole life. Though one does not 'get over' the pain of losing a child, it is possible to come to a kind of peace, most of the time.

We have also used hynosis, self-hypnosis but the EMDR 'worked' the best. I felt that in order for me to 'get well', I would find and use every avenue of healing that I could. It helped my long term depression and anxiety, which began long before I had kids.

Don't give up or give in...you are stronger than you think!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks to both of you. I lost a son to a motorcycle accident 3 years ago. I do not think it is something a parent ever gets over.

I am glad for the hope and encouragement with the emdr. I am feeling scared and nervous. i have repressed memories that I do not want to remember. i have been diagnosed with ptsd since 1985 and had 9 years of therapy.

The flashbacks and the nightmares are a thing of the past. I have a driving phobia with anxiety that seems to be improving. I am hopeful that the emdr will help with the anxiety.

I do not know what to expect, i do not know how long it will take. They have a specialist taking care of that. I willcross my fingers and hope for the best. If I have bad results I will discontinue it. But I am really hoping that it will help me.

Once again thank you for the validation and encouragement. Take care.

 

[woundedsoul]

Gizmo, I just read your history for the first time and just wanted to send you a note that I am thinking of you. You have had many so traumas and I am so very sorry for that. ((((Gizmo)))). I hope your EDMR is very helpful to you in your healing process. Your kindness to me when I first joined touched my heart. Please take care of yourself.

 

[evergreen]

Gizmo,

Wow, you have been through a lot and you are continuing to go through a lot! And you are quitting smoking on top of it all! You are really strong. It seems you have a pretty good perspective on things. I am glad you are here in the community.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks guys for the understanding, encouragement and validation. I so appreciate the kindnesses you have shown me. I really needed it today.

I think I am going to call tommorow for the referal for the emdr.

Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. So I will be full of courage tommorow. I haven't written down all of my traumas. I just wrote down a few. My symptoms are manageable. I am so afraid the emdr will uncover the repressed incest which I do not want to remember. I do not want to deal with that stuff at this late stage of my life. I have my hands and heart full now. I just want the emdr to help me with the anxiety and the spiritual abuse I experienced.

Thanks again so very much for the help and the support. Big hugs.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi gizmo - I will be wishing you lots of positive results with EMDR! :) You have been through so much that I hope you find relief. You take care too! (((((HUGS)))))