Hi - I'm Tired

[NarcSis]

If you come back, don't worry. The cards make you feel singled out and punished, regardless of what stage of healing you are in. We react with Anger and Depression, its not you, its PTSD. You aren't screwing up anything, we all get them at some point.
I still react negatively to the sanctions. They make me feel bad about me, "like I'm screwing up" or like someone is watching me and judging me - for me its kinda like being back at work. :(

You need a hug, so here it is. HUG.
Feel better and come back.

 

[champuli1]

Welcome to the Forum, Tired. (Wow, can I ever identify with your screen name!!! <hug>)

I am a person who feels like I screw everything up, never do anything right, etc. If someone says "It's raining outside," I automatically say, "I'm sorry," like it's my fault. I know it's not my fault, I just feel like everything is my fault.

I am saying all of this to offer to you, hopefully, a bit of rope to hang onto here in the forum concerning what you mentnioned as your errors on posting.

On my very first post, although I had read the rules twice and was POSITIVE I capitalized the title, I got a note asking me to please do it correctly the next time. I went into a tailspin! "I can't even post to a PTSD site correctly!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! MORE failure!! I'm such a worthless sh*t!!!"

I got settled down after a while and wrote a second post, but realized that I had used the "thank you button" incorrectly. Two posts, two screw-ups!! I was on a roll - batting 1000!

But, you know, I have been just reading posts for the past several days (and re-reading the corrections I received) and what I have realized is that everything offered here is done in good spirit and with kind hearts.

We might make a protocol error here, but we can't screw-up here. You will find only support and encouragement for your battles and your journey here. If something feels like a hand-slap, send a private message to me (or to someone else of your choosing) and rant to hell and back. Believe me, I can identify, and I will listen!

Bottom line: As new as I am here, I can already feel a tiny little difference in how I look at my PTSD and my reactions to my traumas. I am not alone anymore. I hope, if you are able to, you will hang around long enough to be able to feel some of that support as well.

Thank you for your honest posting and for your sharing. Do what is best for you and please know that you have many, many folks pulling for you.

champuli

 

[Littleguy]

Good Morning Tired,

I am pleased that you have found this forum.

Next month it will be 13 years since my traumatic event happened and it comes and goes. It is really frustrating to know that my mind is off and running and I don't seem to be able to stop the replays. I find it helps to share here on the forum and fortunately I have a spouse that will listen without judging.

I have had to learn to be gentle with myself and to not to be angry at myself because I can't control my mind and body.

Have a good day.
Littleguy

 

[amethist]

Hi Guy's

Can I just say nobody screws up, we just make mistakes.

Like forgetting to put the powder in the washer, not putting the bin out on collection days. Daft forgetful things like that, that's all it is, no wrist slaps just gentle reminders.

I'm a carer, but boy you should see the stresses I get myself into sometimes over nothing.

We are all human so we all make mistakes, but nothing that can't be sorted easily.

Take care all.

Amethist

 

[littleb]

Tired

I felt that same exact way when I had written my first post and received a warning for not capitalizing my title, and like tired, I too got very angry and almost said "nuh-uh, no more" too, but i calmed down, got on later and got involved in someone elses response and forgot about it.

Reading Tired's response to Anthony's (warning, I guess?) made me think of every time my fiancee says something that I take out of hand, and either hold against him or hold against myself. If I'm not making myself the bad guy, he's the bad guy. I literally cant spill a cup of water without feeling like he's going to do something horrible to me for it, OR feeling like I deserve some horrid punishment for doing it. Even the tiniest sigh or sound of annoyance or impatience sends me off into a fit of depression or anger, even if I try not to show it, its there, stacking up on the rest of those old feelings.

Amethist, what you said about the 'stressors you get over nothing', hit me hard. Dont know why but was a auto-tear jerker. My fiancee just found out when I did last week, about my past and that I have PTSD. I hadn't ever really told him about the abuse before that either, somethings, just not anything directly related to me, more about how he abused my mom or other people he abused. Anyways, so now I feel like we're really in a weird spot. We've been together 6 years and suddenly I start slinging bones out of my closet like its a cemetary. To make it worse, he knew me during the abuse, and he knew my abuser, and I dont want him to feel responsible for that in any way, or resent me for not saying anything sooner, when I couldn't. Am feeling, conflicted on what I should do, if anything, to help him out, taking care of me, if thats possible, can a sufferer help a carer? Some of the stuff he's already learned to deal with I guess, or maybe not, he just ignores it.

Anyways, I feel bad because I watched my mom care for my dad, who had combat PTSD, and I dont want to turn out like that, and I really dont want him to end up hating me, like how my mom felt about my dad (and after the abuse she took from him she deserved to hate him, but, I dont want that to be me in either situation)

Was there something you saw or read, some information you heard that made a "oh they dont mean that, its just the ptsd talking" lightbulb click for you? Thanks

 

[anni]

Hi Tired,
I thought it was just me! I can only log in for a little while at a time before I get antsy and anxious and have to log off. I was able to post right away but boy did I fly out of here quickly. I will again log off right away now but it's funny how much braver I am in just these few days. I keep peeking to make sure y'all are really here!
I'm tired too. This is exhausting to live with, isn't it?
I read so many posts that tell me I'm not alone. It's going to take awhile to believe it but yep, everytime I peek everyone is still here.
Take care,
Anni

 

[skyp56]

A warm welcome to the board, Tired! I know that feeling well, myself! "Tired" should be my middle name. ;)

I've learned that there are lots of caring and supportive people here, so keep posting. I feel very safe about the information I put on here.

Be well,
sky56

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi Tired

Join the tired club!:occasion:

I just joined too, have been suffering for 4 years and have been treated for about the same amount of time.

Just when I felt I was on the up, all of a sudden I found that my marriage had unravelled without me knowing???:dontknow: Life is FULL of surprises!

I'm glad you joined the forum and it sounds like you have been suffering for a VERY long time. I hope that you are getting some help and wish you all the best.

Mine has only been a short journey but feels like forever and is far from over, yours however is an epic journey and you are very brave to be facing it after all this time.:thumbs-up

 

[ISupportHer]

LOL, MY first thread was tagged too!

I am still here and hope you hang around too!