Relationship Hi There, Husband Who's Wife Is Sufferer, Relationship Broke Down

[dcman007]

Hi,

My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD a couple of months ago relating to childhood abuse she has kept to herself for years.

She is currently separated from me as she has completely changed since she started to go for counselling for PTSD. We've been married for almost 5 years, but have know each other for over 17 years and have been involved romantically for most of that time.

I'm currently confused and looking for advice on this forum on how to reach my wife and try to rebuild our marriage. Before being diagnosed she was loving, warm and devoted. Now it's like she's trying to erase her relationship with me. She left after we had an argument back in August and is currently living with her parents.

Can anyone help me understand this situation more? I love her and don't want our marriage to end, but she is adamant it's all over like our relationship never existed.

Thanks, in advance

 

[JustBe]

Welcome dcman. The supporter forum might be a good place to start.

 

[dcman007]

Hi, I thought I'd posted in the right forum here??

 

[JustBe]

Sure, this is fine, It's just a suggestion ;)

 

[Mcll]

It sounds to me your wife is trying to process her diagnosis and memories that she has blocked out are coming back to her in waves.

My advice would be to let her know that you care (you being here shows that). Be honest and tell her exactly how you feel. There are no guarantees as she may be a changed person now so you have to look out for yourself and your own happiness first. Good luck to both of you.

 

[dcman007]

Thanks, the thing that's making it extra difficult is we own a business together so I have to see or talk to her almost every day. Since she left I have been nothing but nice to her, but I have also kept my distance too so as not to crowd her.


If she is a changed person does that mean I just have to accept that, is there nothing that can be done?? We were so close all through our marriage until she started her counselling, she changed after that, was more distant with me and I didn't understand it really. She always loved being a wife until this came to the surface, now it's like she's trying to forget who she is

 

[discarded]

I think my husband with PTSD is getting rid of all the stuff in his life that reminds him of the life he wants to forget, including me and his kids. He has days when he seems to cope quite well and others where he shuts us out completely. I left to give him space in the hope he might miss us and sort himself out. I think it will be a long process. To be honest I don't think the old him will ever be back and I am doing my best to understand the new him. It is hard, especially when you get no sign from them on what they want, I don't think they know what they want.

She needs your support whether she indicates this or not. She just isn't sure yet what it is she wants from you. Hang in there.

 

[dcman007]

Thank you for this advice, and sorry to hear of your difficult situation too. Is your husband willing to talk about his problems with you? My wife will sometimes show me glimpses of her old self, but will then pull away. After we have had a laugh or a light hearted chat she will turn the conversation and make it more serious, and re-affirm that things are over between us. I have told her I will never abandon her, and will always be there for her.

 

[Mcll]

Discuss happy memories and tell her the things about her that you miss, the positive things that have nothing to do with her PTSD. Learn as much as you can about PTSD and show her that you are involved and want to support her through this, even as a friend. Give her her space and let her sort things out. That's really the best you can do right now. I wish you both a happy ending :)

 

[dcman007]

That's a good idea, talking about happy times - we had lots of them. I'm going away for a week this weekend, so she will have total space from me, we were both supposed to be going away together, obviously that's changed now though. I will think about my situation while I'm away and try to talk with her when I get back.

 

[Bilby]

I agree with learning as much as you can about PTSD - that's what I'm trying to do too. My husband is getting professional help which is what he needs, but even so, I still feel in limbo and not sure what will happen next. I want to support him as best I can, but it is very hard - everything else gets put on hold. It's like life somehow gets suspended for a while. I don't feel as important as I once did.

Good luck :)

 

[discarded]

I find it a huge struggle to work out where I fit in with my husband now. And sadly I have to accept that I don't fit in to the overall picture at all anymore. I am here to make sure his last dependent child is safe and happy, so he can live his life of solitude. I sure hope he gets help for himself soon.