Hi There...

[Cthulhu]

I was hoping that dissociation could of protected you on the inside from feeling too much emotional pain and overwhelment-- no it wouldn't protect you from what was happening in your childhood from the outside-- and what you went through was truly, truly terrible. Sadistic abusers, rotten people.

I don't remember if it protected me in any way when it happened, it just lies to far in the past and I really have a memory-problem. The memories are all inside my head, but I can only „read“ parts of them from time to time. Only when I speak about something related to them, you could name it triggers but my whole memory works like that so it is often more of a good thing than a bad.
After I finally moved out at age 19 I thought I must have completely repressed the memories of my whole childhood (which would have made sense). But it stayed that way until today and my last really traumatizing experience happened about 8 years ago (This is what I remember atm, it may change in a few minutes, hours, days. It often does). There were minor things, though, but nothing to repress, I think.

So you remembered everything, were remembering it all through out your life, but couldn't express it or something?

In a way, yes. I never remembered everything at one time but different parts after another (triggered and life is inherently triggering).
Most of the time I couldn't say a word about it.
I may have tried it with my parents, I really don't remember much of it, but one thing I remember: After the rape, when I was about 13 or so, I tried to tell it to them, well, they didn't believe me and berated me for the dirty and damaged clothes. I never tried again.
I tried it a few times with my ex- partner, the result was always him yelling at me, he just didn't understand anything, so he blamed me for not functioning properly.
I tried it also with some acquaintances of mine, the result was the same.
So I think it's not that I'm unable because of the autism but because of all those rejections I collected over time. I lose so much energy while trying it my life long that I eventually stopped it completely.

The things I experienced always seemed very unimportant to me, much too unimportant to talk about. Much too unimportant to cause Traumata.

So, I see you have an well developed ability to hide your pain completely from others from the outside.

I really don't know if it is an ability or a trait- maybe both.

Yes, that's a problem the habit of being able to hide your pain, because then it's really hard to reach out for help.

I almost cannot reach out for help because I can't allow myself to show anything that could be interpreted as frailty. Well, I'm here to perhaps change that over time.

I hide my feelings well in front of others for as long as I can, and can handle crises with others often times, but one problem I have is that I've also shut down the fight reaction and that's meant there's been situations I was unable to come forward to protect myself-- I mean in adolescence, and adulthood situations as well.

I know what you mean, it is the same for me. I'm great in helping others or fighting for them, but not for myself.

My mask was "cheerfulness" and of course that still exists, but it's not cool and I've been abused by men. The protective part of me not coming out when I needed it to protect myself. I'm aware of this, and that's how I got here, cause I realize I was heading into a dangerous place. Anger has been really hard for me to express and know and understand and I need my anger to protect myself better.

My mask seems to be similar to yours, I still use it as well but think I need to modify it because it doesn't protect against some minor forms of mobbing that I am currently experiencing.

I'm glad to hear that you are making progress, I hope I'll also do somewhere in the future. I'm on my way, and it seems to be long.

I have a child part that's a "gatekeeper", that feels about 10 years old, and that's also troublesome re: protecting myself. People see a grown woman, but don't realize that at times I'm not that age at all. I've been able to retrieve earlier memories, by having an inner dialogue with this-- it helps me retrieve memories, it comes forward to me as flashbacks-- but I was also even able to recall happier times when I asked for those memories.

Well, you are luckier than me, I tried to find my inner child some years ago, I always thought it was dead... I searched very hard for it but the only things I found were some tiny splinters of forgotten interests and hobbies. I tried to reanimate it by engaging in those interests but nothing more came out of it. Maybe it really is dead like I always thought, or it is just my emotional core that doesn't allow itself to be childish (it sometimes behaves like that though).

Apologies again Cthulu for not understanding how the Aspergers was working and not working for you in your life. I've met others with dissociative disorders who also have Aspergers and they credited it with being able to withstand horrible sadistic abuses, even through there was a lot of splitting off into parts, identities, fragments

Well, Asperger's is just one of the many things I am, I kind of relate with other aspergers, we have many things in common but at just as many that are totally different in my core. Don't know why, maybe because I've got AD(H)D, too or...

people talk about dissociation as being a helpful adaptation strategy when as child, in truly horrible circumstances can't physically escape the situation, so the mind is sometimes able to split to help survive it, to keep some parts of ourselves protected, so some could function.

It surely is a good and healthy thing within a traumatizing situation, the problem is that it stays with us for a long time, even if life has changed totally in a positive way. Sometimes, we just can't notice it.

I'm glad you're here and think this forum is a proper way to find peace, understanding and maybe some healing. Thanks for your words :).

And: welcome parkwaytrash :)

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Cthulu,

I've been meaning to get back to this thread, I couldn't find it. I looked for it in the other threads thinking it got transfered over there. I'm really sorry.

Cthulu wrote re: dissociation: "It surely is a good and healthy thing within a traumatizing situation, the problem is that it stays with us for a long time, even if life has changed totally in a positive way. Sometimes, we just can't notice it."

That's the challenge, it worked to help cope with unbearable situations in childhood, no-where to run but to inside. It doesn't work so good now, so the challenge is to find ways of re-gathering oneself, knowing ourselves and developing new skills-- which will take time, but it's do-able, one day at a time. I don't know how to get the mini-quote thing happening here, it doesn't seem to be working for me (I'm quite technologically "duh" sometimes ;-) )

My child part-- I didn't consciously try to go looking for it, it just sort of "puked out" from my consciousness, quite unexpectedly (it was during a pleasant experience though). Some of my other parts, also came out unexpectedly in response to a traumatic situation-- it was terribly disorientating at the time, I felt really freaked out about it-- but I went on to learn more about that and I feel okay about, not so freaky for me anymore. Plus knowing this can happen sometimes, I'm more prepared in how to cope with it/them and I feel a lot better that, and it's helped improve some things in my recovery, but like you I also have a long way to go, sometimes it's "getting forward a bit, then a few steps back"-- it's just sort of "re-alignment", "re-adjustment"

I try not to over-dig into things, and just stick with dealing with "what's there", the "present moment" (from which I kept running from, not at ease at all for a long time). I wonder if ADHD symptoms are sort of related to flight, keep going, keep busy, don't stay still to hear onself-- done without conscious awareness, just a flight and flee habit.

I'm going to be away from internet access for about a week, but now that I've found this thread again, I'll make a note to come back and find it.

I did overgeneralize about the Aspergers and it's good to realize that.

I'm sorry about the rape :( and what a rotten experience that you had the courage to report it, but it was ignored and you weren't believed-- how damaging. It upsets me a lot to hear about this, it's another instance of abandoment after something so terribly traumatic. I got pretty screwed up myself post-rape-- it's very damaging when that happens when we are young-- for me, it did mess with my personality, I understand it a little more better now-- and that's good, because I don't need any more "trauma-repetitions"/re-enactments-- no thank you. :( I dissociated at times in my adult life, and that really hurts too. In recovering some of my lost parts, I've remembered more about what was going on with them at the time of something traumatic.

I think the most important thing is to keep building up on our sense of safety and tolerance and appreciation for the present moment. When things feel safe, whatever else is going on will come up in a paced way. If it's not coming up, could be that the inner system doesn't feel safe enough yet.

Cruel, ugly world sometimes, but we can heal and build up new strengths and resilience.

Oh and the "happy mask", I realize for myself that was important coping, but it also had some drawbacks as well. But there's always time to work with it, and that's something we do have is the grace of time. It was easier for me to get lost in stuff going on with others, than to attend to my own self-- it was a form of escape.

I'm really glad that you are here and I"m looking forward to a continuing journey of healing, wellness, and wholeness.
I really admire your intelligence, especially how well you articulate-- it's apparent to me that you also have a lot of strengths that will also also help along this journey. The emotion stuff is challenging, I just started to have more access to it, and I think it's also important healing. What was difficult was my intellect interfearing and keeping down emotion, and that presented as Anxiety as well.

Anyway, you're in a good place here. Lots of time and space to work through things, little bits a time.

Talk to You Again Soon,
All the Best,
~Nishkaa

 

[Cthulhu]

Hi Nishkaa,

It doesn't work so good now, so the challenge is to find ways of re-gathering oneself, knowing ourselves and developing new skills-- which will take time, but it's do-able, one day at a time.

That's right, it takes a lot of time and work to 'reprogram' oneself.

My child part-- I didn't consciously try to go looking for it, it just sort of "puked out" from my consciousness, quite unexpectedly (it was during a pleasant experience though). Some of my other parts, also came out unexpectedly in response to a traumatic situation-- it was terribly disorientating at the time, I felt really freaked out about it-- but I went on to learn more about that and I feel okay about, not so freaky for me anymore.

It's a good thing that your parts aren't disorientating any more, I don't remember a time when I was one whole part so it's nothing so new to me but I tried to “organize” it in me a few years ago.

I wonder if ADHD symptoms are sort of related to flight, keep going, keep busy, don't stay still to hear onself-- done without conscious awareness, just a flight and flee habit.

I think you might be right for the really hyperactive ADHD, but what about ADD, the introverted, dreamy version of it?

I got pretty screwed up myself post-rape-- it's very damaging when that happens when we are young-- for me, it did mess with my personality, I understand it a little more better now-- and that's good, because I don't need any more "trauma-repetitions"/re-enactments-- no thank you.

You're right, recognizing the pattern behind what happened/repeatedly happened is the first step to never let it happen again. For me, not the recognition of the pattern as such is the problem but my messed-up memory, it happens from time to time that I just forget all my solutions against such and many other things, I become kind of incautious (could also say relaxed which would be good but it often lead to retraumatisation) and it it happens again although I theoretically had had strategies against it... And just didn't remember it.

:( I dissociated at times in my adult life, and that really hurts too. In recovering some of my lost parts, I've remembered more about what was going on with them at the time of something traumatic.

That's what I'm trying to do right now, too, I hope that it'll work.

Cruel, ugly world sometimes, but we can heal and build up new strengths and resilience.

We surely can built new strengths or strengthen already existing ones, but can we really build up resilience?
I would thing that this is something one is born or grown with, and if it isn't “programmed into the brain” in the early childhood well... It never really will be there.

Oh and the "happy mask", I realize for myself that was important coping, but it also had some drawbacks as well. But there's always time to work with it, and that's something we do have is the grace of time. It was easier for me to get lost in stuff going on with others, than to attend to my own self-- it was a form of escape.

Yes, it surely is a form of escape, but it's useful, too. And I think it will do no harm if we never forget how to put it down when we are 'allowed' and able to.

The emotion stuff is challenging, I just started to have more access to it, and I think it's also important healing. What was difficult was my intellect interfearing and keeping down emotion, and that presented as Anxiety as well.

How did you do it? It is something I struggle with very much.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Cthulha,

When I first broke down, I experienced a lot more anxiety. It was hard to express feelings, particularly sadness because I had an inner 'introject' of whatever, the people telling me not to cry, shut up (back at the time, there was also physical threats, etc.), but I re-experienced with these introjects censoring me and that tension created debilitating anxiety. I learned new thoughts to counter that inner voice, it was a struggle though, but it's gone now.

There's another part that's suicidal, a firefighter, to help me go numb I guess when I'm overwhelmed. I think this is an actual part, I get stuck there, sometimes I've been virtually catatonic, unable to move. It's as soon as I've been able to recognize these things and observe their occurance, that I've been able to develop different thinking, from the perspective of what is fair, reasonable, and compassionate with my self.

What's really hard is having an inner explosion, and I remember being in a horrible situation, lasting a couple of months and sort of trapped there-- it just pulled so many triggers. First the hypervigilance then 'rescuing' then I was being abused. It's hard to talk about right now. I do know that experience really freaked me out, there was dissociation and in the same ways from when I was raped before (I had a huge sigh before saying the r-word-- it's energy) and that earlier time and from this time, I was able to recall having split up into three, and I was able to recall those 'voices' from when it happened before, three different states of mind, ego-states, a child, an adolescent, a protector, and a firefighter-- I went totally numb. There was a lot more going on there, as all my triggers of traumas were being pulled as it was indeed a very dangerous situation. I can only do pieces at a time, I know there is more, but I can't access it at the moment. If I return to this another day, I might be able to add more in.

It's this 10 year-oldish part, who's sociable and loving, open free-spirit, but many she looks for a daddy and it's not appropriate, and really dangerous-- so, I spent some time on a online group, working on this, and developing more dialogue through writing and trying to hold myself, and realize that I can do things to communicate with that part. There's a strategie of having an "inner boardroom meeting", I did this while writing. I also did things that were nurturing as if a real child I am dealing with, colouring books, reading kids stories-- to nurture safety-- so a part of me has had to become 'mother', 'therapist' (which I created through books, role models-- that was an ongoing attempt prior to this-- I realized I didn't really have any parenting), so I did things that were on going to try to connect to and build up knowledge and heart, compassion which had been on-going. I still use this strategy if I suspect a child wound happening.

I'm getting a headache. . .ooops. :) I can't track it all, it's hard to do. This was my best attempt for now.

I get having worked on stuff and then losing it. I've heard that can also be related to a "gatekeeper flashback". I need to forumulize things and make them visible to me and in one place. Use sticky notes and I've done lots of writing, but it's a lot of energy to try to organize. I do want to make up some safety cards for my self, for different symptoms and states of mind and triggers. Using appropriate 'coping statements'; self-soothing strategies, the basic re-stabilization sequences to help ground me. I've really wanted to get some help for this, I find it overwhelming sometimes. I want to have it all done in a simple readable, 'emergency manual" for my self, and 'selves'.

There is a online group called "Coping With Dissociative Identity Disorder" site on the web, run by Yuku engine, the creator is Emily. They may have better tips and a bigger community of people dealing with these aspects of dissociation, confusion of parts. They talk about 'mapping an inner system'-- I've attempted, it's not a thing that can be done in one sitting. I've really wanted to get help for this, but there are no helpers where I live for this sort of thing. It's exhausting, just thinking of it makes me tired. There's some good people though over at that site as well. I go back there when I need to, it all depends on what I'm currently working on.

I should probably rest. I can't do much more at the moment, but I will return to this again.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Cthulhu,

I missed your introduction and then we got acquainted elsewhere, but would you believe that reading your posts I never picked up on English not being your native language? Wow, you have some amazing language skills.

Greetz,
Bluecat

 

[Cthulhu]

Thanks bluecat :),

I don't think they're so amazing but well... I think they really are good enough to make others understand what I mean ^^.
It is the same with my native language skills... Not the skills are the problem...
My way of thinking and the way my brain works, I am much more 'able' to write than to have a spontaneous spoken argument... That's why I like to write in forums... This... 'disability'... almost doesn't matter there.

So thanks again :)