Hi :)

[yellowfields22]

I am new. This feels really gross and embarrassing for some reason. I just want to learn more about how to help myself heal, how to deal with my triggers better, and things like that. I am not yet in therapy but was diagnosed with ptsd when I was 13 and am now 25, but have suffered other events in-between that have just added to everything. Sometimes I still have a lot of trouble believing that I could have ptsd, and spend a lot of time feeling guilty and like I must be some kind of secret manipulative drama queen or something-- that is what my mother used to always tell me I was to invalidate my feelings. But I know I need help because I am 25 and still constantly feel like a terrified child, everything is hard for me, and I sometimes have violent meltdowns that leave me sick and mentally unstable for weeks afterward. I pretty much constantly feel afraid, and it takes all my strength to go out and finish household errands, even get up for work in the morning. I feel like my identity is constantly at the mercy of my memories, and is more fluid and amorphous, depending on how afraid or safe I feel at the time. And then randomly, there are good days, and that is awesome.

Contributing to my ptsd is a number of things, mostly stemming from a childhood of neglect and intense mental and verbal abuse, some physical and sexual. Also later on from time spent as a teenager with a drug addict boyfriend that led me to dangerous, horrifying, and abusive situations. As a child I was also not allowed to leave my room for long periods of time because certain sexual needs of my abusive stepfather.

I'm not fully sure where i'm supposed to post certain things and where I shouldn't really.. I don't know if I can trigger people by describing stuff too much, but I'm getting my bearings :)

Thank you and pleased to meet you :)

 

[amethist]

Hi yellowfields22

Welcome to the forum, and a safe place to learn and share anything connected to your PTSD.

You are definitely not alone with this, so many have come here with feelings exactly like yours. So for now, take everything slowly, read bits, posts bits and ask questions as you need to.

Take care, your with others who understand now.

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

Hi Yellowfields,

Welcome and take your time to look around and post. Don't worry about what you write being triggering to others, but write with honesty and use this to confront your trauma and heal.

That is the beauty of this site, a place for healing; with support not judgement.

Debbie

 

[anni]

Hi Yellowfields22,

It's nice to meet you too.

As Deb said, yes, please do not worry too much about triggering others. If you've come here, it should be about your own journey and healing. Your thread is yours, for speaking of what you need to. I do know from being here also that if I've ever posted anything somewhere which would be a more correct fit elsewhere it's just no big deal. Some nice person merely moves it there, that's all. They'll let you know why but that's it- just informative, you know?

Welcome to the forum. Deb and Amethist said pretty much all there is to say by way of hopefully reassuring you it's an awfully good place to be, so thought I would at least add 'welcome'.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Yellowfields22, I think that you gave a really thoughtful and eloquent explanation of how dealing with this feels.
Things will improve!

Welcome to you! :)