Hi.

[rockyspine]

The box tells me I have to introduce myself, and I don't want to disappoint the box.

I've been suffering for a long time, but I never knew what to call it. I used to think everyone was this way - the way we are - but then I realized I was a little bit different from most. And especially since that time a few years ago, I am more different. I'm scared of everything. But no one notices. I want to not be scared anymore, but I worry what life will be like without the fear, because so far that fear has kept me safe and I like that. I like being safe, but I bungee-jump, and I skydive, and I cross the street without looking both ways (sometimes). Because I don't care if I die, but I want to be safe. There's a difference. And I'm guilty all the time, because I hermit myself in my apartment most weekends and don't talk to anyone, or I ditch plans last-minute, and I feel bad. But I just can't move. Don't they understand? I have a lot of friends, but none of them know me very well. Acting all day can be very tiring. I like my friends, and I could have plans and parties and fun every night if I wanted to, but I just can't. Because I'm tired, and I'm scared. All the time.

It physically hurts too, sometimes, in my chest. Like my heart is breaking everyday, but no one has done anything mean to me that day. But it's there, and it just flares up - the pain - like a hand snapping up to wave hello. Then it goes away and I think, huh, what was that.

I don't know where to get help and I have tried for years. I don't have insurance, and I don't have money, and well, help places seem to need one or the other. So I figured I would try here and see if there were more people like me out there, and learn how they keep it together. Hello, everyone.

 

[maddog]

Hi Rockyspine, and welcome abord a big boat full of people "just like you". I can guarantee this is the best support you'll get for free, and a hell of a lot better than a lot of what you'd pay for. There are people here from all walks of life, backgrounds, experiences and sides of the PTSD world, and you'll give and receive a lot from all of them if you stick around a while.

You have a beautifully simple and clear way with words - so so true, all of what you said.

Keep posting when you're ready, somewhere out there is someone talking about just about everything you could wish for.

Maddog

 

[rockyspine]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome and kind words, Maddog. Much appreciated. :)
I hope to stick around for awhile and learn from everyone, and help others if I can.
Thanks again.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Rockyspine,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Even though the "box" instructs you to introduce yourself, there are real people here that will respond. :) When were you diagnosed with PTSD? It is tough to navigate the disorder alone, but this site has great information to help you as you work towards healing.

Take care and looking forward to hearing more from you.
Debbie

 

[Paranoid10]

Welcome to the forum, Rockyspine. I don't think that wanting to be alone or wanting to feel safe is unusual at all. There are many times that I do not want to go places because of fear. You are not alone in the way you feel.

I can also think of several others on this forum who have similar feelings as you do. I won't spotlight them as I have to respect their comfort zone. But they are definitely here. If I can be of any further help or you just want to talk, inbox me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Respectfully, Paranoid10

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.