Undiagnosed Hi

[celaina]

i've decided I need to talk about this. Lately I've felt so angry and empty that I've started scratching and rocking again. I haven't done it since I was maybe 16 years old. It's so bad. This feeling being out of control creeps up and I start to rock, curl up and squeeze my face or sides of my head, scratch at my skin, or wring my hands. I don't know what else to do. I can't seem to deal. I grew up rough, lots of emotionalabuse sprinkled with some physical and that was my way of feeling in control. I'm currently going through a divorce due to him being dishonest and unfaithful, I've started two new jobs, one is being a weekend admin and staffer for a hospice/home health service and I hadn't even realized how much patients dying affected me until now. I do this job all by myself on the weekends and this passed weekend three patients died. On top of that I was struggling to get 7 referrals staffed in time, but with it being a holiday it took me until 9pm when I was supposed to be off at 6pm and normally am off at 8am. I work on call hours so it's normally a 62 hour shift every weekend. My other job is working with a special needs child and he's become a little violent. I don't know if I want to work with him anymore, but I really need the cash and I've taken a liking to him and he's come so far under my care. I feel like if it's not one thing it's another and all of it is crashing down around me. It makes me feel like that small child who honestly believed nobody loved her and that nobody cared because all anyone did was yell, and hit and punish and focused on every mistake no matter how tiny. It's become a mantra, one that I had worked really hard to silence and had silenced for a few years. But now it's screaming in my head and for the first time since I was maybe 12 I feel suicidal. Like, if I ended it, no one would miss me. I don't have a relation ship with either parent anymore and I have a few siblings, but they'd be fine without me I feel like. I feel unlovable, uncherished and I'm losing my mind.

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome Celaina. That is a lot of stress to deal with at once. Make yourself at home. I hope you can find the support you need here.

 

[ItsDemi22]

Welcome to myptsd

 

[intothelight]

@celaina Welcome to the forum!

With a divorce and two stressful jobs, it is understandable that you are finding yourself feeling overwhelmed and depressed. It would probably be a good idea to see a therapist or other type of mental health professional to get some assistance with what is happening right now and perhaps a diagnosis to develop a treatment plan so you can get better.

There is a lot of information here that you may find helpful and the support here is great.

 

[Chava]

Welcome and what @intothelight said. The childhood stuff can come back with force with new major stressors. You deserve support and a chance to work through this.

 

[celaina]

Thanks for welcoming me. It's good to know there are people who understand. Sometimes I just want someone to understand and I feel like I can't really talk about this without getting that "are you psycho and is it contagious?" look.