General His Cup Runneth Over

[journey31]

He just had more than he could handle and I'm not sure what to do for him.

He's possibly getting chartered out. He planned on being career military. (chapter 18]

So he thinks he's losing his job and doesn't know what to do. He was helping his disabled mom with money. He said if he gets to stay he's voluntarily deploying (3rd) he's not adjusting to being home at all.

If not he said he will be a burden to his mom because he will have to move home and just go to college, but now they suspended GI bill. Perfect timing right?

So he broke up with me yesterday. He said he just can't handle the relationship now. He's not ready to be a dad (he was going to adopt my daughter) I get that. Not too devastated. Sad but it's not me it's his mental state.

He said he still wants to talk. And keep me I'm his life. Still wants me to meet his mom when he goes on leave. (so thinking the breakup is temporary?)

He texts this morning with "this is a busy shi*** day". When I asked what happened, no response. 7 hours later still nothing.

He has a TBI, said he's sure he has PTSD but hasn't told me of an official diagnosis.

I tried to leave him alone but he seeks me out, then doesn't respond when i do.

What do I do to help him?

 

[cragger65]

First, you've got to understand what's happened inside of him. The simplest way to describe it is to compare with something familiar.

If you remember the old Star Trek, where Captain Kirk is "split" into two identities - one good, one not so much so.

His True Heart recognizes all of your Kindness, and responds to that.

The fearing, self-loathing, frightened self within him is *terrified* at what he senses he might be capable of. Picture what a large buffalo might be capable of, when surrounded by many, doing everything they can to take him down.

This is not "him" - it is the survival instinct gone into traumatic overload.

He wants so badly for someone like you to understand him, but feels that he CAN NOT ask this of anyone. He is in self-loathing phase.

Patience and kindness are his only hope, whether it comes from one person, but hopefully a few to share the load. He also will have times where someone needs to make a stand with him… and then simply let go and pray.

You can't help him unless you have a strategy for staying very well grounded, and taking extra, extra, EXTRA good care of YOU, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

The previous line is not optional, just reality.

My very best, no matter you YOU NEED to decide for you right now. He has his Mother. Maybe that's all he needs AT THIS PHASE, he just has to see that, and this will undoubtedly take him time. Not a rejection, not a saviour. Right up the middle. Yes?

Blessings,
D.

 

[journey31]

@cragger65

It does make sense. I've dealt with him pulling away before, let him and he came back.

This time it's almost like he can't decide himself if he wants to pull away. He comes to me, and when I respond, poof.

He's hiding it from his mom, very well. Maybe not now. I called her after he said he wanted to slit his wrist, to tell her and she hasn't noticed.

Even if the relationship is over, the friendship is still there, and I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't want me to. He's said that.

We're going to his mom's next week. I'm going to try to just make him feel at ease.

What about little random notes or cards? I planned on hiding them in his car, so he'd find them later.

 

[Abandoned]

Hi there,

I'm kind of going through the same thing you are...

4 days ago.......... and heartbroken.

My (now ex) boyfriend and I have split... on his terms, and I'm absolutely devastated. I've known him for quite a while, and unfortunately we work at the same place, although we don't work together.

We're really great together, have always had a ton of fun, but all of a sudden, he was very distant. I felt like I was doing everything in the relationship, the last straw was when he left me hanging one night when we were finally going to see each other.

It came down to him coming over to my house after trying to get a hold of him repeatedly, and explaining that he knew exactly what he was doing and how it was making me feel, but it's like he didn't "care". He's not a talker, and left me in the dark for a while, and this just wasn't like him.

He explained further that he was emotionally numb, and just didn't feel anything. We talked until he decided to spend the night, and, after all of this speak, we made love... twice. And it was the most emotion I've felt from him in quite a long time.

So, in the morning, he said it was O.V.E.R. Just over. And I couldn't believe it. Still can't. Even though he tells me he loves me and tells me he doesn't want to lose me, shows me heightened emotion over night, he breaks it off....

He mentioned that morning (finally) that a couple of weeks ago he started doing some freelance work for the VA and had to take a self-assessment which basically ended in a pop-up window explaining that he was a candidate for PTSD. And, that's when all of the neglect and negative feelings really started with him.

I'm extremely helpless, and again, I'm devastated. I told him that if he just talked to me we could figure this out together, but he wasn't fond of the idea and said that a night like the last would just happen again.

He's reached out to me with just a, "Hi, how are you?" yesterday and it just hurts and I'm not sure if I should reach out or not. I'm not even sure why he said that or felt compelled to. I've tried to act strong and remove myself to give him the space that I think he needs, but all in all, I want him to come back, and I want our relationship more than anything.

Any advice that you could give would be great...

What should I do?
Should I remove myself and wait until he comes to me?


Thanks new friends.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Sounds like he's trying to tell you what happened to traumatize him, but he dosn't know how to put it in the right order. Try to talk about something that happened with friends in the wa, or something that might have happened at home.

Hope this helps.

 

[journey31]

He is calling me now more than before. I'm really confused.

He breaks up, and stops pulling away. I can't say I didn't exactly see it coming. He had been pulling away.

I just don't understand why he stopped pulling away now.

Maybe less pressure after the breakup?

 

[Phenioxrising]

What about little random notes or cards? I planned on hiding them in his car, so he'd find them later.

This is a good idea you may want to try, it can be the conversation starter.

 

[journey31]

Ok I was just wanting to make sure that wouldn't somehow be a stressor.

Didn't want to invoke too much emotion.

 

[cragger65]

@cragger65
It does make sense. I've dealt with him pulling away before, let him and he came back.

Sounds very familiar to my ear and mind. Trust is a very, very hard thing from the place that he is in. I would describe my own experience of it, as feeling much like a dog or cat that has grown used to being kicked a lot. Kindness? What the heck is this!? It's very confusing to the emotional self, in a way that is extremely difficult to describe.

This time it's almost like he can't decide himself if he wants to pull away. He comes to me, and when I respond, poof.

He is trembling on the brink of trusting you. You have earned this through your kindness. It must have taken me 2 or 3 years to get to the point that I could believe… even a little, tiny bit, only part of the time... the one that was supporting me wasn't going to viciously harpoon me through the heart if I *dared* to express anything even remotely resembling a real feeling.

You are quite obviously one hell of a lady. He's a lucky, lucky man to have someone like you in his life. The world is a better place while you are here. Period.

He's hiding it from his mom, very well. Maybe not now. I called her after he said he wanted to slit his wrist, to tell her and she hasn't noticed.

I would think he couldn't even tell him Mom what he's feeling. He wouldn't want to hurt or worry her.

Even if the relationship is over, the friendship is still there, and I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't want me to. He's said that.

Again, lucky, lucky man.

We're going to his mom's next week. I'm going to try to just make him feel at ease.

Best thing you can do. I don't know for him, but it's a fine line between caring and patronizing, atleast in the way that it felt at one time from my end. I am going to a seminar beginning later this month called, "The Delicate Dance" and has to do with how best to support survivors of trauma and head injury. It is run and organized by a survivor. I've spoken with him, and he's quite an awsome guy. I'm kind of looking forward to learning my own faux paus, as odd as that may sound. I pray to God that I fan learn to leave my own ego at the door and learn something. Pride can be such a painful obstacle for me.

What about little random notes or cards? I planned on hiding them in his car, so he'd find them later.

Give it a try. Or, simply always make a point of placing something where he might notice it in your own home or car. As odd as it sounds, to the PTSD mind, an attempt at aid and kindness gets interpreted as "a ploy" or "trick" and can have the effect of shaking faith. It makes NO SENSE, and I know this, but logic doesn't even belong in his equation at this point by the image I am getting of his head space. This is not to be amusing, nor diminish him in anyway, but if you think of a fawn, a baby deer in the wild, and what it must take for them to trust a human being because of some circumstance of the fates… sloooooooooooooowly.

My very best to you, and a Huge Thank You as well, for reminding me of all the good in the world, if we are simply willing to look for it, sometimes right under our own noses.


"Sometimes I go about pitying myself, all the while being carried across the Sky by Beautiful Clouds"
~ Ojibwa Prayer ~

 

[journey31]

@cragger

Thank you for all your responses. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm letting him contact me. I do send good morning good night texts. Other than that, I let him be.

He is calling me several times a day. One time he just kept calling back every time he got off. The last call he said "I don't even know why I called", and let me go.

I want so bad for him to trust me. He's stationed on the other side of the country right now, facing another deployment. There's only so much electronic communication can do.

I stuck by him his last deployment, before a relationship. So with one he should know I care. I don't feel anything changed between us. It seems the same.

He said he doesn't want to stop communicating.

 

[cragger65]

I think you're doing all you can do. God bless you for that.