Hi there, My name is Ian and have been suffering with PTSD now for around 17 years. It all started after serving in the first Gulf war although I didn't notice anything straight away. I would say it was around a year after leaving the Army in 1992. If I can remember right it was the aggression which was never really in my nature I would find the smallest thing could wind me up, resulting in my arrest eventually from assaulting a copper. Then came the panic attacks and constant night terrors. It was as if I was being punished for what I had done.
I really didn't know myself anymore and my wife at the time persuaded me to go and get help. I saw the doctor who persuaded me to go and see a psychologist, I told this guy everything every little detail ogf how I was feeling and what I had done hoping he would produce this magic pill that would put everything right, how wrong I was. At this time I was in a fantastic job that I loved earning £30.000pa I had my own house and a new family. He told me to try an anti depressant called Efexor I think and I started to build my hopes up that all would be ok. After about a week I felt I had no motivation I couldn't sleep at night I started drinking to try and block things, I couldn't face work or people I went back to see the psychiatrist the following week It was a case of try this tablet try that tablet, Cipromil, Lustral and the list goes on.
He advised me to come off nights which didn't please my employers and I knew this, which made the situation worse, so I got a note from my doctor to say I was fit for work. Because I felt very uncomfortable around people at this time I was in a position to tell the workers around me to leave early or I found away to make excuses to leave early and eventually my employers found out and was forced to resign, them not interested in my state of mind , well why should they all I was to them was a liability and I really didn't have it in me to fight, this eventuallly led to my marriage breakdown and losing the family home.
I didn't know what to do I thought I was cracking up, I couldn't concentrate on anything my head was all over the place, I was afraid to sleep I shut myself away and the guilt of what I had done in the Gulf was eating me up. I started self medicating on speed and cannibis anything to try and get some normality to try and search for a little bit of the person I was.
I learned to shut anything out of my mind, I had no feelings for anything or anyone, I recall driving to where I first lived when I was a child driving past my old house and school crying like I've never cried before wanting to be back there.
I am in a new relationship now with a little lad of 3. I'm still taking the tablets and am also having treatment at Audley Court in Shropshire. It helps knowing that I am not going mad, but I still feel alone, I still can't have conversations with people and still can't go out much. I'm 44 now and not getting any younger, I've attempted suicide 3 times in the 17 years I've been suffering, and am wondering what I must have done so bad to deserve what I'm going through. I have my good days but hate the days I open my eyes and I just know he's back.
Anyway I don't really know what I am writing on here for I suppose I'm just looking for anything and if I help anyone along the way well that would be a great bonus.
I really didn't know myself anymore and my wife at the time persuaded me to go and get help. I saw the doctor who persuaded me to go and see a psychologist, I told this guy everything every little detail ogf how I was feeling and what I had done hoping he would produce this magic pill that would put everything right, how wrong I was. At this time I was in a fantastic job that I loved earning £30.000pa I had my own house and a new family. He told me to try an anti depressant called Efexor I think and I started to build my hopes up that all would be ok. After about a week I felt I had no motivation I couldn't sleep at night I started drinking to try and block things, I couldn't face work or people I went back to see the psychiatrist the following week It was a case of try this tablet try that tablet, Cipromil, Lustral and the list goes on.
He advised me to come off nights which didn't please my employers and I knew this, which made the situation worse, so I got a note from my doctor to say I was fit for work. Because I felt very uncomfortable around people at this time I was in a position to tell the workers around me to leave early or I found away to make excuses to leave early and eventually my employers found out and was forced to resign, them not interested in my state of mind , well why should they all I was to them was a liability and I really didn't have it in me to fight, this eventuallly led to my marriage breakdown and losing the family home.
I didn't know what to do I thought I was cracking up, I couldn't concentrate on anything my head was all over the place, I was afraid to sleep I shut myself away and the guilt of what I had done in the Gulf was eating me up. I started self medicating on speed and cannibis anything to try and get some normality to try and search for a little bit of the person I was.
I learned to shut anything out of my mind, I had no feelings for anything or anyone, I recall driving to where I first lived when I was a child driving past my old house and school crying like I've never cried before wanting to be back there.
I am in a new relationship now with a little lad of 3. I'm still taking the tablets and am also having treatment at Audley Court in Shropshire. It helps knowing that I am not going mad, but I still feel alone, I still can't have conversations with people and still can't go out much. I'm 44 now and not getting any younger, I've attempted suicide 3 times in the 17 years I've been suffering, and am wondering what I must have done so bad to deserve what I'm going through. I have my good days but hate the days I open my eyes and I just know he's back.
Anyway I don't really know what I am writing on here for I suppose I'm just looking for anything and if I help anyone along the way well that would be a great bonus.
