Honest To A Fault?

[Deleted member 28942]

I am contemplating on honesty. I am usually very honest person with exception when I feel shame. For example, I might not be honest that I can't go on a trip or buy something because I don't have money. This is being dishonest out of shame. I see this as a normal human flaw and I don't think it is something that is out of control for me.

However, the other part being honest to a fault is what bothers me. Many people have told me that I am very honest that I cannot lie (of course, I can tell a lie but I am really bad at it). I am realizing that this is true and actually is not very good for me because manipulative people and narcissists take advantage of me for being honest. I remembered a memory where my mom is telling me that I have to be honest with everyone. However, my mom was very dishonest person and manipulative. This is causing internal conflict for me because I really value honesty but sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

I think I will talk to my therapists to process this memory using EMDR and to replace the cognition:
I have to be honest with everyone.
with
I can chose when to be honest.

What are your thoughts on honesty in general and honest to a fault?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What are your thoughts on honesty in general and honest to a fault?

Im honest to a fault...a huge fault, but I dont see it as a problem to be fixed. I dont want to learn how to lie convincingly, I also vaule honesty and my past was full of dishonesty, showing the world a fake face.

If I have no money I advise I have no money. I am straight honest like that.

What I do need to learn and am slowly learning, is how to set boundries. A person comes by to take advantage of me due to being honest I lay down boundries and stick to them.

Im also learning on how to know when someone is taking advantage.

But boundries, a line you draw that if someone crosses they suffer a real and true consequence, is what generally the "normal" people that havent been traumatized do. They were just taught how and we werent.

My extreme honesty is an attribute and i dont want to change attributes as they are good things.

 

[illusionist]

This is something I've been thinking a lot about as well. I know where the root of the problem comes from, so I'm working on reminding myself of the past from the present. I offer up honesty even when it is not asked...so now I am going to ask myself, before I speak, if I really need to speak of it, if not....I will keep my mouth shut.....I have learned that the depth of my honesty has proven to be negative in the way that people see me....though in certain situations, my honesty is seen as a positive.....I just need to differentiate the two.

 

[scout86]

I think you can be honest without directly answering a question. For example, if I can't afford to do something, I don't see anything wrong with turning down an invitation without giving a reason. I have a tendency to feel obligated to explain, but I don't actually HAVE to explain, I just think I do.

You can respond to the "does this outfit make me look fat?" question with, "you have other outfits i like better." You don't have to say "yes". It seems like there might be something in here related to boundaries and what you feel you "owe" other people.

 

[shimmerz]

because manipulative people and narcissists take advantage of me for being honest.

Biggest delusion and mistake of my life is thinking that there was honour in telling the truth. It made me a moving target to most around me, who were, because I was traumatized, people who were completely self serving, pathologically or not.

Agree with Scout. There are ways of speaking that do not involve a commitment in what one actually thinks. It is an art form.

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally agree with @scout86 . Honesty, yes. Disclosure? Not necessarily. No one's business but yours and who you can trust.

"An honest reply is a kiss on the lips". Not everyone deserves that kiss.

 

[joeylittle]

I am realizing that this is true and actually is not very good for me because manipulative people and narcissists take advantage of me for being honest.

You might be confusing honesty with over-sharing. Not everyone should know everything that's going on in your life - even if they ask. There are appropriate answers for appropriate contexts, and they can all be honest.

Or, maybe it's not over-sharing, but some sort of pressure you feel in a situation with people to tell them everything about something. Do you think this happens only with authority figures in your life? Or, is it possible that you think you need to give people lots of information because otherwise, they won't like you, or won't approve of you in some way?

I think I will talk to my therapists to process this memory using EMDR and to replace the cognition:
I have to be honest with everyone.
with
I can chose when to be honest.

I'd think more about 'I owe everyone full disclosure' vs 'I get to choose how I reveal myself'...

I don't like to lie. And when someone (at work, say) says "How are you?" in a very excited tone that is prompting the expected answer 'I'm great, how are you?' - it's taken a lot of practice to stay with myself and be able to say something truthful. And the truth might be 'I'm doing OK - how are you?' or, 'Well, I'm here. How are you?'. Or, 'Things are OK'....all of those can be 100% true, while still preserving a boundary that I want to maintain. They can all be said with an equally open and relaxed tone. I'm not under any pressure to say "I am incredibly sad today and nervous about having to be at work, but I'm trying to make sure I keep putting one foot in front of the other". To me, that's not appropriate for a context of a person at work. It would be appropriate for an answer to my therapist.

Saying, "I'm great" would feel like wearing too much of a mask, lying too much. But only because for myself, I know that doing that day after day wears me down, whereas if I can find a way to be truthful but limited in my reply, I feel better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm here. How are you?'.

This is what I say at work when folks ask me how I am. Its always this unless its one of the excuatives then Im "great" for them lol.

all of those can be 100% true, while still preserving a boundary that I want to maintain.

Yes! A boundry of who knows what or whom I allow to know Im struggling through life.

I started out wearing a mask to the world then turned into *blah* I spit all info out to all people. That didnt work so well and most people ran. I then realized that I can control whom knows what about me while preserving my honesty. Its not dishonest to not tell the entire world 100% of yourself. Its just not. I remember struggling with this thought too @UniversalBeing, that I was "lying" to the world but Im not. If Im asked a direct question that I dont want to answer I will say that id rather not answer (I dont lie to them) but by saying a less revealing answer, that isnt lying. Its saying a less revealing true answer as the same things can be said many different ways and still be true.

Maybe you and your therapist can work with some common ones, or senarios, that you struggle with and they can give you some other less revealing answers or ways to say the same thing? My therapist and I did this and it really helped.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you for the responses.
Being honest vs over-sharing. I have to separate memories about this issues. I admit I do overshare and I need to work on that memory but right now it is not such a big issue for me.

The one about honesty is. I feel like I am lying if I don't tell the whole true. So for me not fully disclosing means I am being dishonest and I am lying. The "lying by omission". Also, I think in some cases it is better not to be fully honest about my opinions with everyone that is to balance honesty with compassion.

A better cognition might be "I can chose how honest to be" or

'I get to choose how [much] I reveal [about] myself'

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I want to share this five advices from Jeff Weiner:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140210025756-22330283-five-keys-to-happiness
"It's better to be loving than to be right" - I think this is especially important in close friendships and relationships.

 

[Friday]

confusing honesty with over-sharing

One of my familiy's oft-quoted sayings:

"You don't have to lie, but you don't have to run around shouting the truth, either!"

Ahhhh... Discretion! :D

 

[Abstract]

I agree with others comments about oversharing (and its relationship with boundaries) and how I see that as different to honesty, Or the way I would put it is that sharing is a choice ( with consequences) and a totally different issue to honesty.

When we are truly talking about honesty I have to admit that I think hard edged honesty at all costs can be a little narcissistic. Pride in truth without a sense of consequences. I don't mean that in the clinical PD way and rather just in a general sense. It's often a self thing rather than taking other and self into consideration. There is honesty and honesty. The overzealous me approach is not the way that Universalbeing and others have discussed here of course but can be for many. When not being honest enough it feel s like I am betraying myself.

Universalbeing Its great you want to un indoctrinate yourself.