Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

[Givrali]

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to impress me with how bad their life was. I guess it's only projecting because when I win I feel like I I'm the best.

I know traumas aren't contest but I find so little to be proud of about me. It's a sick pleasure I can't resist for now

 

[Givrali]

Barely remember the day

 

[Givrali]

I went shopping then visit my cousin then read I think

 

[Givrali]

I'll probably die from exhaustion next week but I want to have a life

 

[Givrali]

Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky Lucky

 

[Givrali]

I feel very ashamed to have be teached how to defend myself how to better communicate my needs how to success at life.

I feel like I deserve to have this it's really unfair for those with the same struggles who couldn't have this luck

 

[Givrali]

I'm a waste I'm useless I'm guilty I shouldn't be alive I shouldn't can have all this useful and luxury things

 

[Givrali]

I'm a truly disgusting and undeserving human I shouldn't be allowed to gat it easy I'm just taking a place someone else actually deserves

 

[Givrali]

This is what I'm feeling inside when I feel or be told I'm lucky

 

[Givrali]

..

 

[Givrali]

Yesterday night the girls who were willing to meet me before the great girl's meeting do a camera call with me. One of them wasn't dressed just under a bed sheet. That disturbed me. Because it's heavly linked to me to sex ans sex is a huge trigger.

This girl N. Went put a t shirt rapidly and we just talked a bit.

Minutes ago N. Said that incident with the bed sheet on camera call like it's funny to get embarrassed so easily. It was it the chatting theme because someone already kidding with me being easily embarrassed by skin.

I didn't resent the first to kidding me but N. I told her I was sexually abused as a kid.

I thought just mentioning her message with a sad smiley asking her why she told it would put things in order but she didn't got it.

Since she didn't apologize I went to private message I was having with N. And end be more clear about my issue with her main chat conversation. She then apologized and clarify she tend to make that kind of mistakes. She seems to have not realized at all it could have been a sensitive subject for me

 

[Givrali]

I hate myself so much for being so sensitive about sex and everything related. I hate myself to think it would be fine to go in a lgbt girls group while being traumatized by sex. I hate myself to haven't explained myself better to N.

It wasn't really her fault she couldn't just guess what's going on in my life in my head