Sufferer Hopeless

[sunshineluvr]

Hi, I've never tried this before, but honestly, I have never felt so lost or hopeless in my entire life. I am 41 and married with children. I've been functioning my whole life, but never "normal'. When I was 2 my mother died suddenly. I have no memory of her, just a void. My father remarried and she had a son that was 2 years older than I was. When I was about 12 years old he began raping me, almost every night. I was terrified and didn't know what to do. I fought the first few times, but my little sister was asleep in a bed next to mine and I didn't want her to see what was happening. I gave up and pretended to be asleep. I had an orgasm once and have felt extremely shameful ever since. He did this for almost 4 years. I have never told my family and he committed suicide several years ago. I married at 19 and was married for 14 years and was very unhappy. I have been married now for 7 years. My current husband knows my sexual history and that I was promiscuous after my divorce. He began talking about 3somes during sex and that he wanted to watch me have sex with another man early on in our relationship. I felt hurt, anger and guilt. I held out for years and finally gave in because I wanted to please him. I began an affair with one of them and eventually slept with 2 others solo, without his knowledge. Of course, he found out and has left me. He has called me a dirty whore, slut, bitch and scum of the earth. I'm dying inside and really feel quite helpless and I'm not sure I can recover from this. If anyone has any advice... I'm willing to listen. I know what I've done was wrong, but the attention from these men was like a drug and made me feel special.

 

[Butterfly63]

Hi, I've never tried this before, but honestly, I have never felt so lost or hopeless in my entir...

When I read your thread, I cannot begin to even describe the feelings I had as I read......YOU NEED TO Consider if you are the one who needs to feel shame? What I am hearing is a woman who has suffered greatly since you lost your mother....than you were raped repeadtly by a family member....hmm what I feel for you is tremendous compassion , repeat after me, "these things were done to me....." I am not the one who should feel shame.....but a few people around you should. Losing a mother,at that early of age...that particular trauma was so severe,it gave you little chance to grow up to be a strong,confident woman.....without any mother at all...I am amazed you survived at all...but you did manage to survive....I assure you, "you do not get it."...that was no small accomplishment..... Maybe you never had a mothers love as a child but you can begin today mothering yourself.....You need to see a trauma therapist who is experienced in treating these severe sexual and mutiple layers of trauma....be very careful you pick the right therapist, keep in mind , many childhood trauma therapist accept patients on a sliding scale of what you can afford to pay. I sincerely hope you get the help you need....you deserve a hundred times over to helped....And to recover...you can do it....

 

[sunshineluvr]

Your reply made me cry. I can't thank you enough for your kind words. I may have survived and functioned, nut i've destroyed my family in the process. My husband isn't sure that he can remain in this relationship and I fully understand. However, he wants me to get well and be the best mother I can be to our children.
A few days ago I though I couldn't possibly make it through another day and my children were relentless in seeking attention. It was a wake up call and made me realize that for all of my mistakes and heartache, I could never inflict the same torture on my own children. I'm starting therapy tomorrow and my fingers are crossed that it changes my life. This is the first time I've ever been receptive to it, and the lowest point of my life.
Thank you so much for listening and giving me a little hope.
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