Hope's Mental Imagery

[goingonhope]

A Personal and Present-time quick self-eval. #1

A little present-time, self-eval. and analysis, confession so to speak, so as to help me later see any personal progress and healing if and when I ever make any…………….

I’ll be 40 this mo. Likely half my life is already gone by. I have a husb., kids, family and home. I’m very, very ill. Still feeling lost and afraid much of the time. I’ve been on disability for yrs. now. The kids are growing and absorbing much every day from educ. to family values. Husb. and children are taking respons. and practicing and learning our faith. I am being irresponsible, resistant and afraid, and filled with my many “justifiable” excuses as to why I shouldn’t and can’t be attending church now. A part of me longs to return. I am afraid. Procrastinating.

The last 3 yrs., I’ve spent in much avoidance behav. as a means of coping and surviving. Ie. materialism, automatic pilot, labor and non-stop work at the expense of living, cigg. addict., occas. addic. elect. game play, fantasy, space, emot. withdrawal and isolation, frustration, anger, blame, and justification.

I’m very unhappy with myself most of the time. Any and all of my efforts, which in reality there has been many, generally have resulted in self-defeat and a dead-end. I can’t escape my past, nor my PTSD. My internal map of what life should be remains based upon fantasy and follows along the lines of TV series‘, “Leave it to Beaver’ and ’Brady Bunch’ and it’s family structure and value system.

I hold far too many fears and resentments, and feel totally emotionally, ill-equipped to live this life without dependency and /or addiction; I've felt almost forced to be completely self-reliant in my own thinking, while trusting no one I know, and their knowledge and/or perhaps advice, and yet at the same time distrusting and de-valuing my own. Self-reliant with what was left of my emotions, numb and numbing and had been progressively getting worse. Trusting no one, with the real deal. Struggling with my faith, lack of hope and belief in almighty God, and all of humanity, with the exclusion to little children. And yet was also fully aware that little children, don't stay little. They grow-up having been rightly or unrightly cared for and influenced.

Growing-up I've seen as inevitably hopeless. My thinking being: whether or not we succeed in doing a good job of raising our children, someone is waiting, just waiting there to take or do what they want and deeply harm them. So another words, as time has passed, I've greatly struggled, often losing to terribly deep feelings of lonliness and hopelessness, and with my confindence in it all lost and that of humanity; Always questioning whether there is any good left in humanity and life, or if it's all just a childish dream or an illusion.

My body is too often uncomfortable with physical symptoms from these anxieties, my PTSD and from the struggle and failure to live up to my values and expectations of self. I have aged far more rapidly than if I would’ve had I not had PTSD. Though presently symptom free from a chronic, skin condition which re-occurrs and I've had to live with for many yrs., I have found that my PTSD has caused many other physiological changes to my central nervous and auto-immune system, besides just my brain.

My untreated PTSD is now forceful and demanding I look at its reality, my condition and life. In doing this I often feel, naseaus and terrified-’scared to death’.

My intern. ’judge’ is presently re-doubling it's efforts at shaming me constantly for one thing after the other, ........................ie.: Shame for the last few mo. of what feels like self-absorption resulting from my remaining need to face my trauma, (which for me is my entire past), and the reality of my condition.

And, shame on me for my attempt at brutal, honesty in doing this.

Shame on me for still reflecting and addressing my past, rather late in life, after already having a family and them rightfully needing me.

Shame on me for having this condition and burdening others and making life difficult.

And, I feel ashamed for having what I judge as serious personality flaws and defects in thinking. And for making mistakes.

And, for that part of my past that I fk’d up royally, which feels still to this day sometimes as if it has stained and marked me, never mind having been raped.

I feel ashamed of me and my condition. And afraid, still so afraid of far too much, and paralyzed with fears far too often. And though I’ve long since learned to challenge these fears, when I’m present and not dissociated, as often as possible, it has yet to entirely fix my condition, restore well-being within my own body and skin and return Hope.

If anyone else is judging me now, please first know that though I’m already busily judging myself and unhappy with what I see, I’m also aware that not too many would’ve or could’ve made it this far with all the odd’s that were against me from day one and with so little to start. Just my insecurity rearing it’s old ugly head.

Also, it would be far easy for me to post this to my private diary, and spare myself further discomfort and anxieties, but my thinking these days on why I don’t hide it all away in this diary is bc, I highly value sharing and want anything at all of use to be put to use. Years of suffering with untreated PTSD has not once yet materialized into anything of any use for my benefit, or for that I've my still new family, IMHO, and as far as I can see.

So if reading and identifying with even one thing (thinking, or feeling or having done or doing, …whatever) may help someone than it's worth doing despite the cost to my comfort……and why? Because, I’ll never ever forget that behind much of the yrs. of abuse and neglect I endured and watched loved ones endure, I could always most painfully see a handful of principles and values which were most dominant and ugly to me, directly behind it all. Some of these being fear, selfishness and the misuse and abuse of power, even hatred. And, ah’ if I only achieve in life an ability to live-up to, the contradictions to these four things, and to live up to them extrad. Well, then I believe I will have found much success in life. Have I achieved this yet? Why, hell NO! Have I made a hell’a’va lot of progress over much time? Yeah! Do I welcome this PTSD to remain, to kick’ my butt and that of others? Absolutely not!

I wouldn’t wish this condition on my worst enemy. Frustrated and fed up with it all and still accepting and coming to terms with the nature of PTSD, what it actually is and does and has done, and forget my suppositions.

This new honestly in itself can help carry me a good distance, bc quite frankly, how can I hope to learn anything, if I already know it all’. A rather unappealing and faulty way of thinking, but non-the-less a pattern that from time to time returns, to bust my a’s, defeat me, agitate, and sometimes infuriate others.

What do you think Anthony, is my honestly with myself, and sharing it a mistake, a fault, or handicap? I don’t think I can trust myself or determine this alone, because how am I suppose to know, I’ve been guessing my whole life.

 

[goingonhope]

All I can say, is that I just re-read most of my last post and gee' whiz' do I ever get down and hard on myself. Have taking care of myself today and have even gone now 3 full days w/o cigg., I've come back up from a low I was experiencing (a rather exhausted and depressive state of mind) prior to this afternoon. This afternoon and this evening were exceptional......freedoms' and a sense of self-esteem and even life force energy........sad to think of what that cigg. addiction is/was doing to me, I'm not in the clear yet, nor may I ever be, entirely in the clear, as I'll need to always no the addiction could sneak up on me again. That's once it's gone of course, presuming it stays gone this time. 3 days, huge for me. Tonight I have hope.

As for what I posted, even though it's all true, bc it is, it seems somewhat exaggerated, in relation to my perception of me implying failure, bc truth is I've suffered most of my life with a distorted self-image and perception. Many others always have told and tell me that I look or I'm doing, or have done really good, or complimented me on much progress or skill, ect. and I just generally have been incapable of seeing what others have seen. In the long distant past, when I had a great deal of self-hatred, I even set out to make them wrong and what I believed about me right.

 

[anthony]

Its expected if that is the case hope, as nicotine is addictive, and anything addictive that your body withdraws will force your body into turmoil. I will expect it soon myself, as I am now getting back into my exercise at a high rate, getting my fitness back to peek again, then giving up the smokes to no longer require them as a source to help me maintain myself any longer. That is the last thing I have to rid from my life that is unhealthy and unproductive in order to cope. Well done.

 

[goingonhope]

Sadness, Support system, My shaky & low Self-esteem

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem.

I asked my husb. what EXACTLY is a support system and he says, it's the people who help you. Well, there is not a lot of close people in our life. My Aunt, F-I-L, and S-MIL, they can be very supportive just in the knowledge that they love us, each and every one of us in my family.

My husb.'s aunt (my God mother) most especially, she's very kind, gentle, loving and always thoughtful of us. She lives across the street from us and we have her over for dinner every week sometimes twice. She always tries to be loving to our kids. This is the way to my heart, ie. through lovingness and thoughtfulness of our children; she's very supportive this way.

Also, I have in the past told her I have PTSD, and recently felt comfortable enough to briefly make mention of some of the abuse. Also, we tend to open up and I've actively listened while she's discussed much about the family and her distress with me, and feels comfortable doing so. Any sadness I feel surrounding her has to do with my inability to be honest with her sometimes. I would never want to hurt her feelings. So some things go unsaid, and this may tend to build a block, or somewhat of a pretense surrounding some things and our relationship suffers as a whole.

FIL and S-MIL, are very religious people, communion every day and are always praying for us. Same thing with them. Some things my husb. and I would like to say, but simply don't want to hurt there feelings. An example is: Why when you call must you dominate the convers.?, and Why must it be so difficult to interrupt to end the convers. when need be? It comes down to we don't want to hurt there feelings, I guess we're afraid.

MIL has been supportive while we lived with her, but it was always at a heavy emot. price. She's available, to help out or converse with us, but not so to her grandchildren, not emot. anyhow. Has always bothered me. She seldom if ever visits, and I still hold a grudge that when our kids were just babies and went to visit their grammy she'd place chairs in front of the TV and turn it on and ignore them. I have difficulty trusting her motives or what she's capable of. Also, she tends to drop the family drama upon us, and it feels like an all too familiar effort to push our buttons' -get us upset.

Husb. and I are acquainted with a bunch of people. Our church speaks highly of my husb. singing talents and highly of our children.

I have perhaps one male friend, who I would probably talk to a bit if need be. I've avoided friendships with women, bc quite honestly I'm very scared of them. This all came to be sometime following a family group initiative, in which my sister beat me half to death and then later bragged about it to her friends. And, there stood my mother encouraging it all and only other sister witnessing it and doing absol. nothing. And the message afterwards was pretty much, "We straightened her a's (mine) out, didn't we." My husb. doesn't have any friends only acquaintances from work, ect.

I suppose I have had others offer to lend an ear, or help if they could, but I don't ask them for anything, bc I don't even believe they're sincere. Kinda' figure it's just polite for them to offer. So I've pushed away people and blocked most all suggestions for support. It just comes most natural for me not to believe that what others say, they really mean.

Suppose some people within AA could be considered part of a support system, but really I'm just barely now re-learning how to let anyone in, or ask for help, accept help when it's offered, or be honest about any real need for support; As I've failed so terribly in the my past in choosing trustworthy people. As I've said, I've stayed chiefly away from women as I'm afraid of them, and the men, most just want to help you into bed. I do now have a female sponsor whom I'll call once every 6-8 wks, but I keep getting hit with this fear that she's going to get jealous of any achievement on my part and end it all right there or worse, say something awful.

Often, as of late, whoever who has been sincere, and may have made themselves supportive to me or our family, I've distrusted or grew afraid of, rejecting them, but not seeing it for that at the time. I tend to foul much up through my dishonesty, symptoms of PTSD, behaviors like role-reversal and/or displaying my strengths, at the exclusion of my weaknesses, in such a way as to communicate: "I'm strong. I can handle this myself. I don't need you and/or I don't need anyone for that matter." A lot of BS of mine; It's just so hard to be vulnerable and get rejected yet another time, as it hurts like hell.

Despite all I've said, I am improving, but for the life of me I still can't figure out how we're expected to trust untrustworthy people, or ask for something you need, perhaps just an ear or a hug, when everyone surrounding you is distressed themselves, hurt and fearful, and has no emot. support or nothing to offer. What I've just now said, comes right out of my past and is just one example of how my brain is trained to deny and ignore much while focusing on certain things, thereby me creating my own difficulties and lack of a support system. Because, if one's there in place now, I suspect and fear it won't be for long, as I go about refusing to be brutally honest, sabotaging my relationsh. and support syst., making excuses, and/or burning it all down with an onslaught of my PTSD, it's symptoms and the denial of it all which all to often has followed.

Pride, what on earth are we suppose to do with it!

 

[anthony]

Pride, what on earth are we suppose to do with it!

Thats the million dollar question, that only you can answer for yourself. Either acknowledge when pride gets in the way, and put it aside, or leave it where it is and accept it, as atleast your not in denial off it that way.

 

[goingonhope]

Sadness, Support system, My shaky & low Self-esteem

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life.

Oh, I would say so! Something I overlooked remarking upon the last time I wrote is my stored, excessive negative emotions, as well as, my deep sadness that causes me dis-ease still in my present, and yet surrounding my past. Though much of it may lay in my subconscious, I'm almost daily having passing conscious thoughts and memories of it all.

There simply never was anyone, anywhere, at anytime available to support or help me in my past regardless of how very ill and/or seriously disturbed I was.

There was always that realization of HOPELESSNESS and those awful overwhelming obstacles that presented themselves in many forms and shapes, but always of the same size, ie. ENORMOUS, and next to impossible for me alone to comprehend, never mind get by.

Yuck! Just remembering, torments me and fills me with emotion.

The past (time-frame), that I'm speaking of, my illness, symptoms, and non-existent support would disturb anyone. From age 12 up I mostly starved myself, chiefly bc this is what I did in fear, and partly bc there was little to no food in the house. When I did eat I would steal monies and binge on chiefly sweets (enourmous f'n amounts), and sometimes on high carb. foods. I use to bring cans of frosting to school and scrape that container clean and feel deathly ill afterwards. If loaf of bread or lasagne was cooked and left out, I eat the whole loaf and two-thirds of the lasagne, and then go vomit. In my wishful thinking and self-centeredness, I always hope some stranger would notice that I was working on my 2nd dozen of donuts, 9th brownie, 3rd jim-dandy or from the caf. at school 6th desert. No one every said anything other than in a few instances, to notice and encourage me in some words.

We use to have a dutch door that opened up to an 20ft. drop, and I had long since relied on vomiting in the bathroom or woods and then, having opened up the top half, was vomiting out that door 14 to 20 times a day, and it was all hitting the side of the house and piling up on the tanks below. Mother and family would see and watch and do nothing, only remark with insults and shameful words. Now was I most definately very sick? YES! Was I bad? No! But, I was certain I was, and that I should be in control of myself and just stop. This is one reason I never could figure out why they were so jealous and hateful toward me. It didn't and still doesn't make any sense to me.

I didn't know I had PTSD then, I didn't know it when I gouged out the eyes and crotch of the doll that I hung by its throat and legs out our window at age 7. I didn't know it when I'd hide and curl up in the dryer or corner of the basement at 6yrs. And, I didn't know it when I hid and avoided being seen or when, in sky-high anxiety, I'd refused to approach anyone to play, even utter a hello, or attempt to get to know others. I remember a time in my life when I'd say no more then what felt like 5 words a day. I'd want to but the words weren't there and the self-esteem non-existent. This was during a time in my life that my mothers boyfriend was fiercely, out-of-control, reaking chaos and trauma for my sisters, mother and I, and was regularly chasing me around the house and saying, "When you least expect it, expect it." And he'd carry through. I suppose if it weren't for finding alcohol at age 13, I may have committed suicide, shot him or myself. As that was an ongoing intrusive fantasy at this time. Considering the state of mind I was in at that time, I really don't have a clue as to why no one, other than me sought help for me.

I sought help, on many occassions, with both no insurance and than later state ins., but to no avail. I followed through on each possible hope for help, and one real obstacle or another prevented me getting help. Suppose that even one person, might suggested a way around these obstacles, but how could I randomly select and approach that one person, when my family had already convinced me that not a single one of them seemed to give a sh't, that I wasn't worth helping, deserved it all, and was nothing but a burden to time, energy, space and money.

It was things like the time my mother screamed, cussed and shamed me for pleading with her to help me find help. And, memory of my sister being degraded yrs. earlier ea. time she needed help, like having been raped by 2 guys and with disgust scolded and told she asked for it, while she sat sobbing. And this same sister, telling me over the phone from my hospital bed, after I had overdosed ended up in ICU, having almost died, that she and her husband had invited my other sister to participate in some f'ck'd up black magic ritual, that was suppose to have gotten rid of me, ....and that though she didn't get help in this, she and her hubby, went through with it and she felt it worked ....and she went on to say, but I didn't want it to kill you.....oh' but, it's worked before with so and so, and so and so.....'babble, babble' BS.

And, oh' how this just reached down inside of me and twisted everything and hurt.

I can't much go on any further tonight, as it's getting to be to much for me now. But, I will say, ABSOLUTELY, the extreme emot. pain and sadness, of once chronically having no support whatsoever is in fact, in the forefront of my subconscious, and is easily triggered, sometimes to a calm, depressive conciousness and other times more regularly triggered into outburst of nastiness, fits of anger, or even rage.

Do I need help? Yes! Am I seeking help? Yes! Am I finding help? Some. I'm finding more support them help, but I have begun to find help in these retreats, that I've found, and the supportive people I've met there. But, I'm still falling short in locating and finding the therapist I'm in need of. I've tried three therapists since, my therapist that officially diag. me with PTSD, was forced to resign. Two of the three, no doubt about it, were impostors. The other one, didn't except my ins. and charged so much I couldn't afford to continue seeing her. WTF - Just now remembering for the 1st time, I think, that I did seek help after P.B. the one that diag. PTSD, and provided Wonderful therapy for me for 2 1/2 yrs., 2x a wk. Oh' shi't ...just now remem. two addit. therpists I sought help from since P.B., for a total of 5. One told me how he once pinched an autistic boy while in internship, simply bc he could and get away with it. "Oh' sh't!" That may have been the last time I saw him. And, the other was a woman who I didn't trust nor continue with as I had gone on a whirl with the med's her collegue psych. and prescribed for me.

Ramblin now' and hurting now, as I remember.

One note to bring this all back to the present. I do have people in my life from the retreat ctr., that have invited me to call anytime, even just to say hi, or if I need help, and have invited me back, and have made this all affordable, as most retreats are way out of my financ. range, and cannot even ever be considered.

*going to post this without re-reading 1st or editing, hope I'm not making a mistake, but enough is enough for tonight.

 

[goingonhope]

Sadness, Support system, My shaky & low Self-esteem

You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem.

I'd like to look at this now, in the present, and in relationsh. with my husb.

There is no doubt that he provides, in many ways great support for our family and I. I don't think he has a lazy bone in his body. Upon awakening at 5am, he's off to work caretaking for MR clients, in a home setting. He honors these people and cares for them, all day & 5 days a wk, as one would a child. He's gifted and skilled in his line of work and he far exceeds what is expected of him.

Upon arriving home he's lucky if he gets any time for himself prior to beginn. dinner. He cooks dinner every night now. He has and for quite sometime now, gone through most of the bedtime process with our children, teeth brushing, reading and saying goodnight every night he is home. On weekends he cooks a nice breakfast for us. On his days off he brings the kids to school and picks them up. Twice a week he brings my son to his karate class. He hasn't hesitated to run errands. He does much laundry, fixes everything around the house and takes care of the cars.

I've been noticing lately how my PTSD and slacking is disrupting our family. Have been wondering why am I not taking more responsib. In fact, I've been making myself unreliable and untrustworthy and then feeling resentful toward him for losing trust in me.

Besides the most obvious answers being that I do have some developm. issues, directly resulting from yrs. of untreated PTSD and it's secondary illnesses, ie. eating disorder (still to this day, though not the same form, or comparitable to prior days), .......and alcoholism (now almost 10yrs. since my last drink). Also, I live in a constant state of general. anxiety. And, I don't think 1 25mg. librium every few, but genrally several mo. apart is going to help relieve the anxiety any. Another words, help make me more functionable.

And without any medicine, it's as if I know two states: a driven, compulsive state of non-stop functioning which does not include eating meals and rest ........And, a state of lethargy, with it's mix of fantasy.

My goal is to gain control and discipline over my emotions and will, able to choose in the moment and not feeling like a hostage to my state of mind, unable to decide for myself. And, my goal is to regain the will to live, accepting my PTSD as permanent and it's symptoms as temporary. While armed with the real knowledge that PTSD is not a moral issue. Another words I don't have this devastating illness bc I am inherently bad, rotten, evil, deserving of this crap, or even that my family is deserving of it.

That in itself makes this feel very unacceptable to me and tragic, bc regardless of whether we may be good people, the traumas takes time to heal, and family hurt and sometimes will suffer as we heal. And, not necessarily from what we're doing, but perhaps from what we're not doing. So, my conviction is, that with PTSD, everyone surrounding the sufferer suffers, to some extent too. And, the more these people love us, the more they're going to suffer. PTSD just is, and I'm not bad bc I have it. (This is being said, bc I'm just now coming to believe it and need to get this truth through and into my own head.) Nor, is my husband, bad bc sometimes he is just plain f'n fed up with the burden of it, upon our family.

My husb. has his own problems and his could potentially or seriously threaten our family too. His problems are as legitimate as mine. Do I get fed up with his when he breaks out into a rash of ........., you bet I do. Am I being supportive of him when he's like this. Generally No! Do I have my reasoning too why his problems and needs make him an a'sshole in my eyes, at times, and mine don't make me anything of the sort. Absolutely ! and it's faulty.

I'm slowly, through much pain, learning a lot of humility in our marriage, and I certainly hope he does too.

Why do I expect my husband to listen to my vents and rants, my long winded stories of days past? Why? Well, perhaps bc I haven't felt the real need for, (pride) nor trust in a much needed therapist. And, why bc I don't take good supportive suggestions offered me and share my distress, persistently, a little at a time, with others who are willing to help. I always look for those that are unavailable or unwilling to help, and deny, while refusing to acknowledge that there are people right there in front of me willing and wanting to help. (current faulty belief system)

And, why might I suddenly get so f'n pissed off with him when he simply can't absorb all my talk? Simply bc, I'm expecting too much of him, being selfish and full of pride.

I (not him), have a lot of initiative and work ahead for me. This is primarily my responsib., to own my feelings, heal from my trauma(s), and learn to manage and cope with my PTSD. And, when I 'let go' and do this for real, in all its whole, that's when I'll see that his current great support,......and yes even some emot. support, is and has always been right here for me and with our family.

A simple realization for me tonight is that I did, now and then, reach points in my life where I desperately wanted someone to rescue me, to take care of me and provide for me, even to love me unconditionally as one might imagine or hope that a father would love their daughter........I've reached those points of fantasy before and it never happened, like I fantasized. And, here I am married, to a man that I truly love, pushing, now and again, and trying to with might, force my fantasy into our marriage. And, feeling frustrated and angry when it doesn't suit.

 

[goingonhope]

Thouroughly Depressed and Sad

And, I feel ashamed for having what I judge as serious personality flaws and defects in thinking. And for making mistakes.

Suffering and struggling a great deal today. My emotional state has taken a quick downward turn. My thinking though it's been positive and my attitude has been good through much facing and owning my past trauma's, feels self-destructive now.

I hold high standards for myself, even still standards of perfection. Perfection does not leave room for error or mistake. One of the ways I still, to this day, determine what is my error or mistake is through the eyes and perspective of others. Though I hold my own approach to things and convictions, I all too often abandon them to the approaches and/or limited and restricted vision of others. It's as though I suffer spells of feeling I have no rights to think and feel as I do.

So as has been said, despite much growth and progress, I suffer extremely low self-esteem at times, this day be one of them. This all comes in waves, and is rooted in my many fears.

One of the ways I've allowed myself to be abused in the past (my twenties) is by given away too much power and credit to the restricted, fearful, obsessive, untrusting, negative, "Me first", and egotistical voices of others. The best and simplified definition I hold of ego states: "I know what's best for you and for me, ha ha." I've never done well in collision with the ego's of others, bc I've often believed their 'point of knowledge' suffered a great deal of further insight. This has only proven itself true too, as time has passed, and only validated for me that most people, filled with assumptions and many ill-intentioned are less then helpful at times. With some they seem to make this a practice or art form.

So therefore, I have trusted very few people throughout my thirties, and it has paid off with huge benefits for me. Truly with huge benefits, bc up until then the folk that I found myself associating with, well they all thought they had instant knowledge of my motives, insight as to who I was as a person and had placed generally too high, but sometimes too low of expectations upon me. They all wanted me to live up to these in order to belong, and I never could, bc quite frankly they were never based in reality, but rather assumptions made of what my reality should be.

In the early part of my twenties, I with deliberate willingness walked into a homeless situation, and one that would last a long time, all in order to get away from the abuse and these passive-aggressive and aggressives, know 'it' all voices that would've liked to have buried me alive, with their insecurites. As, if I didn't already have enough of my own they'd dump their insult and hostilities upon me and all stemming from their fears, inadequacies, rivalries, jealousies, indifference and/or hatred. They never once sought to see if they could help, only had chosen to critisize and reject and expect me to walk away with more of their baggage. When I would truly assert myself, I was told time and again, that I was wrong in doing so and receive a threat of beating or that of being ostracized from the family, and/or beating. The scape-goating and ostracization occurred too and for far too long in my elem. yrs., and later teens.

I suppose my sisters expressed 'sense of accomplishment' after almost successfully beating me to death at 19 while some of my family stood still, circling around in approval, and other's actively engaged in it, cheering and ranting, "Good job" ....and my mother's words while 4" away from my face, "You f'kin deserve every bit of it," still haunt me to this day and motivate my decisions. And, this is likewise with being rejected and banished from the only family I ever knew and once loved deeply. Were they imperfect and IN NEED OF MUCH HELP? Absolutely! Did any of them ever identify this and attempt to do anything about it? None then and little whatsoever eversince, with the exception of one sister certainly suffering from PTSD. Was I going at it time and again trying to seek help, that I, A) often didn't know how or where to obtain and B) would only be told that we don't accept that insurance and sent away, Yes I was actively Always trying to seek help since as far back as I can remember. All with seeking and asking for help discouraged as taboo? Most definately bc then truth, hope and success would've been revealed, and family would have no part of this.

I didn't go into just how I surrendered to the will of others, and duped myself into believing throughout my twenties that I had little to no rights, nor could I think clearly enough to do so now.

Again, today I've crashed and have hit bottom with trusting anyone and even the will to go on. Logically I can't figure out why I should bother anymore.

I don't take daily prescription meds of any kind, however I do have a prescribed PRN for when absolutely needed, to prevent hospitalization. I've taken two of these today for the first time in perhaps months and I'm just as much insecure and ashamed of this, as anything else.

Today's emotional state is complicated to by a E,N & Throat infection that I've come down with, as well as many sudden pains throughout my body, which quite frankly frightens me with fears that I've cancer. If this were to be true then what better news to send back my families way, they love this kind of stuff.

 

[goingonhope]

Hey, I dig the Positive Affirmation idea(s) !

....positive affirmations :thumbs-up really seem to work and help alot. The obstacle :wall: for me, was getting past my pre-conceived ideas about its practice for me. Which I think I've done. How silly this is, bc I've always believed in it for others. When relating to me however, I had rejected the idea, just knowing it would feel awkward and also thinking it couldn't work for me. Turns out it was nothing more than my faulty thinking, ie. 'contempt prior to investigation', fear and ego.
......

Suffering and struggling a great deal today. My emotional state has taken a quick downward turn. My thinking though it's been positive and my attitude has been good through much facing and owning my past trauma's, feels self-destructive now.

I'll face it ...I was triggered :crazy:the other night, but already feeling far better despite my bad cold and cough. Even yest. I accomplished a lot and felt good about this. My emotional state has basically taken a quick upward turn. My self-destructive thoughts are passing.

This emotional roller coaster ride though is for the birds.

:smile: Just thought I'd share something here that has meant a great deal to me:

"The Burden of Freedom"

I stand at the Stairway . . .
my back to the Dungeon

The Doorway to Freedom
so close to my hand . . .

Voices behind me
still bitterly damn me

For seeking Salvation
they don't understand.

Lord, help me to shoulder
the burden of Freedom,

And give me the courage
to be what I AM . . .

And when I am wounded
by those who condemn me

Please help me forgive them . . .
they don't understand.

. . .Kris Kristofferson