Relationship How About The Words " I'm Sorry? "

[PrincessFiona]

atl22, that pretty cool that you can see it and change your behaviour :) Gives me hope that it is possible. Thanks

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Everyone,

I have PTSD and I am definitely an overapologizer. My therapist tends to say that it has become a reflex to try to stay safe. I think it might depend on the type of trauma a person experiences. I have never been "normal" and don't have a life before and after. I don't feel anger. I think you can only be angry about something if you know something has been done to you or something has been taken from you.

I only a few years ago learned to feel one emotion and that is fear. I feel guilty for everything that was done to me. In the meantime it has gone over to shame and embarrassment. Logically it doesn't make sense. Logically, I know that it wasn't my fault, but I feel like I could have and should have stopped the abuse. I feel like I allowed all the stuff to happen.

How people are teaching me to set up boundaries so that I can keep myself safe, while helpful, it also makes me feel like I always do something wrong. This then leads me to feeling guilty for being on the face of the planet. If I know I have done something wrong, the tapes play and replay of how people responded. It only takes a minor offense for me to show an apologetic and terrified reaction. Depending on the severity of the offense, I have flashbacks and dissociation or have such extreme reactions as hitting myself in the head.

I agree that gender roles play a role too. Men are trained to be tough and not show emotions. For women it is okay to show emotions. As gender roles are changing, I think people's reactions are changing and becoming more gender-neutral. So you see both men and women in rages. Expressing emotions is definitely healthier than keeping them bottled up. However, when the anger goes against the same person or people all the time, it can wear anyone down. Plus the anger tends to be misplaced. So it is not fair.

I wish all of us the best of luck, trying to find a happy medium between expressing our emotions while not abusing our loved ones. At the same time I wish that our loved ones could empathize a bit more if it happens that we do not know what we are feeling. That leads to frustration and can easily switch over to anger.

Best of luck to all of us!

 

[IvyMillie]

I so appreciate your comments and reminding us carers to be more empathetic and understanding. It is hard because it is hard to understand where all the anger comes from, and how it appears to come from nowhere sometimes.

It would be great if my husband could have some time of emotion gauge sign on him that would iluminate ahead of time words like "I'm uncomfortable", "I'm getting frustrated", "I need some space", or other emotions. That way I could have a warning and clue about what he is feeling.

I think that it is true about being able to know what your emotions are in order to be able to change them. I suppose if they are so unclear it would be hard to stop it from buiding up.

ATL22 I wasn't able to go food shopping for a month due to a foot injury. My husband had to go for me. He never has done the shopping in 20 years. You can imagine how annoyed he got. He couldn't find things and then the long lines. He got better at it by the last week--but he sure would come home irritated. So you did good to hang in there with the shopping experience.

 

[revelry]

Mine doesnt apologize, but I have found that sometimes an apology isn't really necessary. I know it may seem hard to understand, but I've discovered that both of us being willing to move on, without an apolgy, is best. It's kinda like an apology in itself.
Let me explain.... there was an evening that ended badly. We both made our mistakes, he felt like he was reacting and standing up for himself and I felt the same. Neither one of else felt like we were going to apologize, but we talked about NOT apologizing specifically. and we moved on. The argument wasn't a 'deal breaker' for either of us. neither one of us were going anywhere, so we let the sleeping dog lie, and moved on. It's a hard skill to learn because we all wan't some kind of closure or resolution, but sometimes it's just not in-the-cards. No sense in beating a dead horse.
It took me a while (a long while) and some isolations, to 'get-it', but now that I do, and I'm learning more, things are better, and the relationship is stronger. We don't always need a solution to the problem, we just think we do.

 

[Karenf66]

Your husband sounds so much like mine Ivy... or maybe its more that I am like you. I want to forgive and forget... but I need him to acknowledge what has happened and how it made me feel. Maybe I need to be able to move on without that acknowledgment... but without an apology I feel like I am storing up resentment and just pasting on a smile. Surely they know that the jollity is a fake and there is pain underneath and that starts the whole cycle again. Arrrgh.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with revelry, particularly during high stress or non-important issues, it can help just to let it go.

I do wonder however, after serious confrontations in particular, if it doesn't to some degree damage the realtionship- or trust, perhaps. Even knowing that respect or thoughtfulness can be the first to go, it can leave one feeling it is indicative of not caring. Perhaps that is due to less than ideal self-esteem, or maybe a lack of true forgiveness, or maybe blaming the other, and/ or minimizing one's own blame or role in it, or over-reaction. Idk. Likely it will 'feel worse' or seem to be indicative of not caring, and you will also be more reactive yourself, when you feel unwell or exhausted, etc. JMHO, anyway.

I guess simply too, people are not mind-readers, so left without adressing things ('we') will all likely be inclined to draw 'some' conclusion, erroneous or not- "Perception is 99% reality".

Sometimes I wonder how different lives and relationships would be if things were said and/ or not 'taken for granted'. It's easier to 'react' than not, I think.

I guess it requires forgiveness on both people's parts, and/ or trying to remember the opposite examples. And put yourself in the other person's shoes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, -forgot, and missed edit:

One thing I think I realize- not sure if it's ptsd related or due to abuse- but I am too sensitive. Not as in just 'reacting to everything' (though do that internally too, on a bad day), but really anyone else's sadness makes me sad too, etc.

With abuse (someone who's experienced it), one knows it 'infers' at the very least, the abusing party doesn't care, but due to necessity and/ or dynamics and or no alternative the abused person (or child) remains. So you learn to 'accept' what upsets you and not show it and 'carry on'. So in any relationship, even without abuse, it becomes difficult to discriminate (or know) when you feel badly if you are 'justified' in feeling that way- is it inappropriate treatment towards you, and therefore you 'should' react (in a healthy way), or are you just being 'too sensitive'? (But on the other hand, abusers say that too..)

So I find- or perhaps also feel- that the best indicator is the totality of actions in the relationship, and past behaviours. Especially if it's not an abusive relationship, or is one of long-standing or importance, I try to think (at least after-the-fact) "How important is this", or to let go of it.

I apologize if this is of no usefulness- every relationship is so different.
But ptsd doesn't give anyone the right to not be responsible, or kind, or thoughtful.

I'm so sorry Ivy, I know it feels awful and can breed doubt.:(

 

[Three Kids mum]

I find myself wishing for the apology too. Or just some type of recognition that I too am going through something with him. It is hard to be supportive when you don't fee l there is any reciprocity. I try to convey that I'm feeling something, not placing any blame, but just say hey this was kind of lousy. ANY time that I've tried to do that, I get a very angry man telling me that I don't ever tell him the good things and that I only tell him when he f*&*s up....I don't. I'm always around recognizing when he makes more of a effort with me or the kids, letting him know that I noticed it and that I appreciate that!

However, in this whole thing, it feels that it is incredibly one-sided. I've stood by him through inpatient, outpatient (when he decides to go) and then of course there is the alcohol, he recently started attending AA as well. I see that he wants to get better. Then again I don't see any effort being put into our relationship. I know that he may not have a lot of give, but as some of you have said a little might go a long way. I feel VERY taken for granted, etc.

Is it that I have to completely discount what I'm feeling to support him? Don't we BOTH have to learn to live with PTSD?

Sorry, but I'm so frustrated and there are no groups for me to go to as he has.

 

[Tinyflame]

There is Al Anon, Three Kids mum. It's not 'religious' and no one counsels anything. They usually have meetings in most cities/ towns, and it could be a source of support for you and a place to bring more joy and peace into your life- and therefore ultimately also your children's lives. Good strategies, too, that apply well to living daily with someone who has ptsd.

xox