How Abuse And Trauma Effects "self"

[mamachick]

I have been giving a lot of thought to how my "self" has changed over the past few years. I have found it impossible to get back to the self that I was just a few years ago and have found a need to understand how the "self" has been damaged or my perception distorted.

In some ways, I am treated like the person I once was. This does not work because I do not have the confidence to do what I use to, so I avoid. Avoiding feels like hiding, and reinforces my negative beliefs about myself. (I am a coward) In some ways, others treat me like I have changed, and are more sensative of my feelings, reinforcing my negative beliefs about myself.(I am weak) It feels like I am in a double bind in relationships, "Im not the same-Im not different". I have come to the conclusion that this is one reason I avoid relationships. Without relationships, I do not have to deal with feedback from others, as it MIGHT make me feel worse. I might be re-victimized. etc.

In examining my belief, I was at a loss for the right words about self and had to actually seek out a definition to be descriptive. Below is a list:

Self assessment-the words we use to describe ourselves and that contribute to our self concept. (smart, honest, lazy, healthy, cute, compassionate, loyal, cheat,etc)

Self schema-beliefs and ideas people have about self. Belief used to guide and organize information processing. Important to overall self concept. Becomes self perpetuating. Store in long term memory. (I think of this as "image or role" ie-athlete, nerd , hippie, brainiac, smoker)

Self concept-multi deminsional construct, perception of self related to a number of characteristics such as academia, gender, sexuality, racial, etc. ( Self knowledge is clearly and confidently defined, internally consistant and temporarily stable.)

Self image-mental picture of oneself, comes from how we see self, how others see us, how we think others see us. Difficult to change.

Self Image Victimization-victims of abuse and manipulation get trapped into self image of victim. Psychological profile includes pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, extreme guilt, shame, depression, feelings of hopelessness and despair.

I discovered that following traumatic events, my self assessment began to change. Little by little the positive words eroded through internal dialogue. I can see that as the beginning of how I declined, and I can see the end result as self image victimization. I almost missed the obvious-self schema ( Brat), the name my sisters have given me. In the aftermath of trauma, making myself vulnerable to sisters, and taking on the role of Brat once again, something left behind for over 20 years. (think I have to change my name).

I am wondering if others have evaluated elf in this or a similiar way, if you have found yourself in the self image victimazation role and how you have addressed it? If you have found anything helpful?

 

[TLight]

Wow, really thought provoking. Good stuff to chew on.

Since I've had PTSD, like forever, I never formed a solid sense of self. In fact, I always wondered when I was younger why I would 'take on' other people's affectations, gestures, ideas of life, etc. Seemed like everything and it changed depending on who I hung out with the most.

I always wondered too why when I looked into the mirror, I could really see myself. It has always been and still is a completely baffling experience looking in the mirror. I also find myself looking into all availiable mirrors. It is not a self-absorbed thing, it is more like I"m checking myself in the mirror to see if I'm still there, or real or something along those lines.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please tell me who you are.

 

[soulofLC]

I find it interesting that you are thinking about your name. It makes me think of mine, soulofLC. LC is the name of the cat I ADORED and lost right before meeting the man who ultimately triggered my PTSD symptoms. Perhaps I am trying to go back to my pre-victim feelings. I was functioning pretty well at the time, but not without problems. However, my sense of self was still quite different than it is now.

He and I were together 10 years, and he left without warning; turned into a pod person I didn't recognize. He was the trigger for my symptoms; the original trauma was being near death, too sick to move, and left alone quite often at night in the hospital at the age of 3 years old for the duration of 3 months. My therapist thinks I may also have been abused. (When doing our EMDR treatment, I got to a certain point in those memories [yes, I have vivid memories some 57 years later] and can't go any further.)

Back to the point: yes, my self assessment is quite different now. While I look back and see that I was struggling all of those years with low grade symptoms, I was still functioning on a fairly high level for the most part. It was not until his leaving in 2007 that I was triggered. The feelings of abandonment, of being alone and uncared for surfaced like a flood gate that had burst open and drowned my whole world. He and LC were, I felt, the only ones who ever loved me and really "got" me.

I think the EMDR was helpful in understanding and accepting my trauma as a child. It also illuminated why I have "rolled over" with respect to the loss of my partner.

((Brat)), you said: "Self Image Victimization-victims of abuse and manipulation get trapped into self image of victim. Psychological profile includes pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, extreme guilt, shame, depression, feelings of hopelessness and despair."

That is me, with terrible symptoms right now. I think I could benefit from more EMDR to address the divorce. I lost my insurance before I could. I avoid talking about it, avoid him. I try to blot the whole thing out, which is making it worse.

But I am not sure EMDR would be good for everyone. Exposure therapy might not be good for everyone, and may even be harmful for some if I understand the research correctly.

My new therapist tells me I need to start thinking about what is good with me, not what is wrong with me. He is not a trauma specialist; I've only seen him 2 or 3 times, and am not sure he is right for me. I know intellectually he is correct in his statement. But how to get there is the issue, as it is not just a cognitive problem; it is both physical and cognitive.

I have felt my best since the onset of symptoms when I have had a good supportive therapist; right medication; friends; exercise; enough money.

You are lucky that people still treat you the same. I have had the opposite experience. Most of my family are not supportive, even hostile re my diagnosis; my friends seem to come and go, as I am a lot to deal with right now if I am honest. I have to hide it to "get along."

 

[mamachick]

I lack a solid sense of self. My mood does not flectuate much but my confidence does, from day to day, even hour to hour. I might look on line at available jobs and consider qualifications and experience and even print out a copy to apply later. Later I look at it and think, who am I kidding, I cant do that, and my critic comes through and sabatoges me.

About 10 yrs ago while in grad school a professor had a class assignment where we used 10 words to describe ourselves (self assessment). After doing so, we wrote the opposite next to the word. The exercise was to help us understand our shadow side that we all have. What I remember is that I had a very positive opinion of myself.

After a head injury that seemed to ignite some ptsd symptoms, descriptions changed from intellegent to average, from energetic to tired, from determined to confused. In attempts to now let others know how I was struggling, I went from the belief that I was honest, to feeling a bit dishonest in covering up. Then came an assault-since then I have believed I am weak, stupid, worthless, just to name a few. Then I had a mental breakdown, and added to my list-unstable, unpredictable, unmotivated, hopeless, etc. This is really ugly but it is making me think about the course that I have taken. What comes to my mind is that after all this stuff, I was not capable of thinking any better-but now that I have had a couple of years of rest, I really need to reclaim myself.

soul-most do not treat me the same, but when they do, I do not like that either. A friend invites me to do what I would have loved before (why would I want to do that now?). My grown daughter asks me to go on the 3 mile walk with her, and I think, who is going to stay here and smoke these cigarettes? I just cant bring myself to do it. There is almost a sense of self punishment. If I don't get up off the ground, I won't be knocked back down.

Exposure therapy is good for phobia or extreme fear. I am not sure how it would play into these beliefs that we develop about ourselves. I feel like there is some direct work that I need to do in this area and not sure how, but it has really got me thinking.

 

[soulofLC]

I think how exposure therapy helped me was to accept that I had been traumatized and how that had affected my reactions to lost relationships, especially the ex-husband. It made me feel better about myself in that I quit blaming myself for falling apart about the whole thing; that there was an underlying problem that needed to be addressed.

Having said that, I still have all of the loss of self symptoms, loss of self esteem, that you bring up. I also want to reclaim it, but am struggling. My brain, my logical self says do things that make you feel good about yourself, while my instinctual self keeps self protecting--ie, don't go out, don't take risks and get close to people, don't trust, they will just reject me, I have nothing to offer anymore, no one cares, etc. Oh, yeah, and don't walk...who's going to help all these people on ptsdforum? (I quit smoking, oh how I miss it).

The classic answer for gaining self-esteem is to do things. Set goals and work on them. Achieve results. Etc ad nauseum.

Yes, I can understand how people treating you the same could be a problem. While I complain that my old friends scatter at the mention of my name, the truth is, I am not comfortable around them. I don't like art openings anymore because my ex was an artist, even though I am an artist too. There is no risk of running into him, I just have this distrust of artists! Not specific ones, but in general.

I can't drink because of my meds, or only drink a wine spritzer. That makes many people uncomfortable, so that leaves out another group.

There is this sense that my old self is still in there. I just don't know how to get to her. Like you, I am asking questions. Wish I had a better answer. It is good food for thought. Thank you for starting the thread. That is the first thing I told my new, maybe old, therapist -- that I wanted to get my self-esteem back. He has not given me any clues yet. If anything, he is making it worse! I think I will google it and see what I get.

 

[mamachick]

soul you are so insightful. And you are right about the classic answer and you describe the conflict of doing things to increase esteem and protecting self from perceived harm. It is a real delimma.

My grown daughter see's that I am bored, need income, and still see's good qualities. So she responds by telling me to get a job. While I know she is right, I am afraid-I have all kinds of reasons that I am afraid.

I sense there is some kind of threshold that I need to push through, and I am getting closer. Both positive and negative are so self perpetuating. I remember being on the down spin, and although I am on the up spin, it is slow and at some point that threshold of self protection has to be challenged I think.

The good thing that I can say is that somewhere deep inside to my core, I have always known that Im alright. Sometimes it has been very hard to reach though.

 

[soulofLC]

Yes, there is much conflict in this healing process. I am glad to hear you are on the up swing, even if it is slow. I am not there yet. I still feel very stuck. Stuck! But it is funny, as you say, there is somthing inside me that says I am OK. And I think that keeps me going, inspite of the horrible self esteem and the really bad days when I am in so much pain, my body aches.

Yes, sometimes you have to go for what you fear. At least that is what 'they' say (the people in my carpool?). Sorry, needed to interject a bit of humor.

Are you in the states? Wondering, because there are a few programs that might help you with job search. It seems a bit easier to conceptualize sucess if you have a partner or cheerleader to work with.

 

[alleycat]

I wish I had something to look back on, to compare now to. Unfortunately, I've had an extremely negative sense of self since I can remember (years of reinforcement will do that...). Makes it hard to try to counter or even realize I'm doing it. How do you fight something, argue against yourself, when that's all that's ever been? My T keeps asking me to do try to fight it and I keep going around in my head with "but...how!?"

 

[mamachick]

I am in the states, Pittsburgh area.
Alleycat-I grew up with low self esteem. Turbulent childhood, neglect, moving around a lot with family members. In my late twenties, I began repairing my self esteem. By 40, I was very happy with who I was and my life. I still had some fears but I felt very positive. Then a series of things happened. There were some family /relationship issues. At 47 an accident, then an assault. It bought about an instant decline.

Even if you do not have something to compare it to, I think there are ways to help with self esteem issues. One of the tools that I used early on was a co dependency affirmation book. The affirmations are often centered around giving ourselves permission to be human, something I had trouble with as I was my own worst self critic. Also understanding that the opinions I had been using had been developed in a 4 yr olds mind, or 10 yr olds mind. I really tried to nurture that child within me. Allowing myself to develop in areas that I had missed in childhood. Finding things I was good at and being around people who were positive and not critical (such as family of origin). Each year that went by I had a bit more confidence and was learning who I really was. I found out that I really liked who I was. I examined beliefs that I had taken on and disputed them. For example, sisters would call me selfish as a way to manipulate and get me to do things that I did not want to do, like babysit on a Saturday night. I came to believe those things. But now I was disputing and learning that those labels are what kept me co-dependent, and unhealthy.

I could name my own good qualities, and also own my weaknesses and work on them. I could give many examples of any characteristic rather than just accept it because someone else had said it or because I had told myself that. This really helped me to find the good in myself, and see the good in others as well.

 

[soulofLC]

Brat: The co dependency thread of thought is a good one. It helped me get over relationship problems before; perhaps I can revisit that concept. Thanks for mentioning that.

I don't know how good your financial support is, or if you have looked into it already, but wondering if you have considered applying for disability? If you qualify, that is one option for your money woes. It is a hassle, but worth the effort if you get it. It comes with insurance, etc. It helps. Also, if you want to work, you can do that on SSDI disability and SSI, to a point. I may be in the wrong thread here for this conversation, but as you brought up your fear of work, I thought of it. PTSD is considered a disibility in many cases, and I am told, easier to get with PTSD because there is no definitive treatment to date.

Being on disability does not have to be permanent; I was thinking of DARS, Department of Asssistive and Rehibilative services. They help you get a job, and even help retrain you for a different job if you are unable to do what you did before. But I believe you have to have a determination of disabled to qualify. There are also other programs that do not require a disability determination. Goodwill here has one.

Just a thought. It is help, and sometimes, we really need it. It does time though, but there is emergency assistance as well.

 

[mamachick]

soul-thank you so much for the information. I too need to revisit co dependency work for my healing as I have slipped.
I get ssd for physical disability before I even had ptsd symptoms. Unfortunately, its not enough to live on and have any quality of life. The thing is, I need to work for my own sanity. I am 53, stayed home with kids many years, and am not happy just cleaning and cooking and etc kind of stuff.

Unfortunately, there are little jobs where I live, but I could find one if I am willing to drive about an hour, which I want to do, part time though. My fear paralizes me sometimes. I am afraid I will fail. I am hard on myself. I contacted voc rehab-but they have a wait list I guess. I think I just need encouragement, like a coach, to give me a gentle push. Further, the longer away from work, the more knowledge lost.

Thank you so much for caring, your kind words, and information. I really appreciate it.

 

[soulofLC]

Brat, I am glad you are getting some assistance. But I know what you mean. Mine is not enough to have any quality of life either. I also would like to work, but don't feel like I can teach any more. Changing careers at my age (61) with my teaching background is not an easy thing, especially in this economy.

Until I get stable, however, I just have to tough it out. I don't really feel I can function at a very high level right now. I will get kicked over to early retirement next year as I understant it. So unless I go back to work before Oct. 2012, that is where I'll be. Looking forward to getting better and perhaps striking out on my own at some point.

Was just chatting on facebook with cousin that just doesn't get mood disorders of any kind. I ended up lying to her about what I was doing just to keep the peace! So bad...she will just tell me, if I am honest about my life, that she doesn't want to join my pity party! I just didn't have the heart to tell her that she got disinvited several years ago!! Whether it was celebrating or pity, she is out, except for the rare exchange we had today. Too bad.