How can a psychiatrist help me?

[MyWillow]

Thanks @Sietz :)

Yeah she pretty much said that just the pattern of dissociation was suggestive of some sort of trauma whether I remembered it or not. That’s been the sticking point. She was so quick to pick up when I left the room too. Immediately said that my brain is doing the best it can. And that I needed to practice comforting my inner child who clearly does not feel safe. She’s a bit quirky and passionate and compassionate. Curious and genuine.

 

[ILoveLife]

That's great :) seems like she knows what she's doing.
Wishing you the best of luck with her

 

[Swift]

That's really, really great!
Thanks, I needed some good news from here :-)
Have you considered starting a trauma diary? I find mine immensely helpful, just basically for trauma shitposting.

 

[MyWillow]

Thank you @Swift :) x

I really struggle with writing a diary. I always have. I think once I feel a bit safer I will try. Just all a bit raw. 1.5 hours with her today. I’ve slept most of the day away and I’m still exhausted.

 

[grit]

I think medicating oneself is very personal choice and requires a doctor so I won't comment on that but the olfactory flashback comment interested me.

I used dissociation as a form of living until I visited therapist a year ago. I did not even know I had that. I can tell you one good thing for me is I definitely did not age as fast as I am now that I am learning how to contain feelings. I lived in complete "turn it off" all my life and nothing fazed me but the downside was more obvious - no continuity of good or bad or any feeling.
In dissociation I stayed young cause nothing stuck. Living more fully, I am learning things do linger a bit more but everything the good and the bad...I want the good to linger more and learning how to release the bad...but I digress!

So that is my experience of dissociation.

When I joined therapy, and I started to contain feelings consciously,I tried to become conscious also about what triggers my dissociation, I started to have auditory flashbacks. It was crazy! I mean really scary. The first thing I did was stop drinking altogether because it really exacerbated my symptoms and because I am not dissociating,and everything was coming up, I found alcohol, violent/disturbing movies and certain human voices all so jarring. I went cold turkey!
The auditory flashbacks was because I grew up extremely chaos family and I had a lot of siblings, guests, people handling us all over!!!!! it was like there is a bazaar in my mind. After stopping drinking, I started to listen in meditation and it finally sort of itself stopped.

It has been a year since I had a great glass of wine recently and so much better.

All I can say to you is this, having these weird sensory flashbacks are scary. I did a bit if research about how they develop too to understand how far off could I have memories in these area and they develop quite early...I think auditory is second to touching and before vision and olfactory senses if I remember correctly. This helped me because some of the sounds or the feeling of sounds I had made no sense so I thought maybe they were before I was born.

I stay sober to investigate and it paid off for one year.

hope my story helps you in some ways but I thought I will share. I think your therapist cares about you deeply to recommend a doctor but only you can make the decision.

 

[MyWillow]

So....I saw her again today for an hour. I thought I understood the meaning of going slow in therapy. Whoa. I wasn’t even close. This feels almost uncomfortably safe. We did nothing but talk about how I felt after last session, how I felt being in the room with her this time and my work. Identifying stressors, difficult personalities, sitting with gentle tears for just a moment, hitting the brakes if I was trying to avoid, talking about what I had done and could do to effect change and how to navigate the fact that I need a break. I’m in a rather unique position of employment so it’s been a challenging few years.

I was so much more present than usual.

 

[MyWillow]

I’m cheating. I SO don’t want to start a diary.

I like her. She has a Standard Poodle. Good start. Hit some nerves today. Didn’t know we were going down that path. Neither did she. I like how she says “I’m not sure” or “I’m only telling you what I know”. No assumptions. Doesn’t collude with my avoidance tactics. Honest. Direct. Empathic. f*cking terrifying nonetheless.

 

[MyWillow]

This is exhausting stuff. Spent most of the day in bed recovering. She is just so perceptive. Threw me off kilter with her first question. I wasn’t keen on going down the Family Tree path again and she straight out asked what it was like for me to be in the room today. Can of worms much. So much inner conflict.

I told her about some of my dissociative experiences and she confirmed they were flashbacks. I gave a general description about some of my nightmares and said I couldn’t discuss the rest. I ended up in a right state and she asked me to change focus. I was not in a good place. Asked me what I needed. Gave me a few options. I decided I needed a tissue so stood up to get one. She stood with me. Her energy is incredible for such a small person. I looked out the window. Saw my car. Described the set up for my dogs and how I wanted to train them tomorrow. She asked if I’d show her the set up and all the training gear. I was a bit stunned. We walked down the stairs and out of the clinic. It was lovely and cold outside. She asked lots of questions. Her curiosity is delightful.

We went back inside. She said she would not allow me to retraumatise myself. That I needed to learn to say stop. That she could help stop the flashbacks. That I could learn to calm myself down. I told her how much I hated the word “trauma”. We agreed not to use it for now. I need to listen to my body. She asked if I would let her guide me in my reading. Suggested “The Body Keeps The Score”. Ah, Bessel, says I, what an interesting man. I dip into it, says I, and I’ve read bunches of journal articles. They are true for others but not for me. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

This is monstrously unpleasant. I’m glad she’s so good.

 

[ILoveLife]

It's hard, @MyWillow, but it gets easier. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Love that you are logging this experience in this thread. I hope you keep it up! I think it could be a great help. Thank you!

 

[Abstract]

So pleased for you. In context. I know its all dreadful. Please can I have our pdoc. She sounds excellent.

As for the what do pdoc's do issue: although many spend most of their time doing meds, they are the experts at diagnoses. And some do do counselling. Counselling more common in some countries than others.

 

[MyWillow]

Thanks @Sietz damn but I hope so ;) She reminded me that we are still at the assessment phase. It’s going to take a while.

Thank you @shimmerz I was worried I was boring folk :)

@Abstract thank you I think I’ve hit the jackpot. I wish I could share too.