How can a psychiatrist help me?

[MyWillow]

Today I had my first equine session with my old T (EAGALA model so all ground work). I think this will be a good fit around the rest of the chaos. I am a horse person from way back so I was looking forward to it but a bit sceptical about some of the theory and nervous that the horses would see through my facade of bullshit lol.

My T checked in to see how things were going with the psydoc. That was surprisingly hard to talk about. Confronting. I think being outside worked better though. Grounding. I can see my T and psydoc have a different skill set and I really see where the specialist trauma training comes in but I think that’s ok too.

It was so interesting in the paddock how the boss gelding became shitty everytime I went near the mare. Especially when I picked her out to work with and snuggled in close to her. But if she went close to him he would put his ears back and kick out at her. My T was quite fascinated as she hadn’t seen this to quite the same extent. Kinda just like my family dynamics. Very, very weird. We didn’t do too much talking. More focussed on breathing and tuning into the senses.

Booked again for a few weeks time before I go overseas for 5 weeks. As I told my T - which made her laugh out loud - it shits on trauma sensitive yoga ;)

 

[MyWillow]

Waiting here for my 9am and my psydoc rings reception to tell them she slept in. Bless her and her normal human-ness :laugh:

 

[MyWillow]

Soooo it was interesting. Her question “how does it feel to be here?” floors me every time. We spoke about my equine therapy session and how I struggle with TSY. And can we please not use the word “trauma” and who’s stupid f*cking idea was it to use it in the first place! Then she opted to shift away from the emotional stuff and just go through a job/study timeline from about 17/18 years of age. So I raced through a whole bunch of career changes and house moves and too much alcohol over the next 40 minutes. It only hit me later what an unstable, mess of a life I’ve been leading on the inside whilst giving the appearance of coping on the outside. Ugh. Hit me like a freight train. Oh yeah and I think I had some dissociation going on in my 20s for sure. That was a fun revelation. Not.

Fortunately I’d promised to meet people on the weekend for some proper Spaniel field work so I spent 2 days traipsing around paddocks and admiring my dogs’ talent. Putting the blinkers back on until Friday.

 

[MyWillow]

You gotta love a psydoc with a sense of humour....as I’m waiting to sort some paperwork with reception she pops out of what I assume is a common staff area and says with twinkle and grin “See I’m awake!” lol

Her questions always disarm me. I told her that. She thanked me for the compliment haha. She is teaching me to be aware of my body. To listen to it. Do I feel safe enough to talk about something? I don’t know was my usual answer. But then I thought about it more deeply and just shuddered and shook at the idea and said “no.” She was so pleased. It was rather empowering. I did tell her about one flashback that I know happened. It was the lesser of them because we had touched on the subject last week. She reminded me that it is a MEMORY. But that we didn’t have to talk about anything if it was too upsetting. Looking at the bigger picture was WAY more important - my adult self acknowledging that I didn’t feel safe then, probably have never felt safe, don’t feel safe now but I AM safe. Talking to the body, thanking it for doing its best but I’m here now to listen and keep the body safe.

I had read bits of “The Body Keeps The Score” again. It was pretty overwhelming and triggering. She reminded me that I didn’t have to read it all. In fact I could think about not reading anything triggering given I’m traveling for work soon and for some weeks. Make a conscious effort to physically hide the book and decide to watch Netflix instead. Good advice methinks.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @MyWillow - so glad you and this psydoc have connected and worked out so far. I've been reading how it is going and I am so pleased I am not so unique to have found a great one.

I have found that I can really wring his brain out with psyc theory questions. He laughs at my questions and tells me occasionally I put him through the most intense psyc exam's ever. But he also says he enjoys it. I have a thirst for the 'why is it so'... and he doesn't mind my intense curiosity.

So it seems all psydoc are not made equal and we have discovered this to our advantage. :)

 

[MyWillow]

Thanks @blackemerald1 ...pleased to hear you’ve hit the jackpot too. She won’t let me get away with minimising anything nor will she let me be re-traumatised if she can possibly help. Her fierce determination to recognise dissociation and flashbacks early and help me control it is very reassuring. She checks in with me if she’s not certain whether I’ve checked out. I don’t think my T recognised it half the time.

Even though I’m pretty smashed after my sessions I feel slightly more in control - much less dissociation. I’m drinking less alcohol and the self-harm and flashbacks have stopped too. Still getting nightmares but not waking up quite as much although it’s still not great sleep.

 

[shimmerz]

Then she opted to shift away from the emotional stuff and just go through a job/study timeline from about 17/18 years of age.

Wow! Fascinatingly brilliant. Something you used to derive pleasure from (equine?) and then having the body and senses tap into that and then that leads to 'what happened back then'.

Brilliant. Do I have that right @MyWillow?

 

[MyWillow]

@shimmerz yeah the equine sessions aren't so simple - they bring up a lot of stuff, whether it's about how the horses interact with each other or they way they don't judge or the way they say - without holding a grudge - "not today please". They are very good at self-care and boundaries. There's also some stuff around not being able to keep animals safe when I was young. That's for another time. So I think my psydoc is particularly skilled at knowing when to hit the brakes, when to ask me to feel and when to let me ramble - rambling equals a bit of avoidance on my part but I'm learning that's not always a bad thing. Her pen was flying across the page lol

We aren't doing too much on the body because I do find it pretty triggering - so trying to work on noticing without judgement. And listening when the body doesn't feel safe.

I had another equine session today and it was really different. Most of the time we just stood in the freezing cold and watched the horses interact and talked - well, I rambled and she listened and sometimes there were a few insights. Like I don't take pleasure from achievements - winning with my dogs (don't get me wrong I love training them), or achieving success at work or great Uni results or whatever. It's just another thing ticked off the task list. Very meh. But it feels safer to be "meh" rather than risk disdain or disinterest from my family AND I get something that my psydoc said about not being protected. So it's safer NOT to ask for help, to not express need, to not express sadness or disappointment. Just stay on that middle line. We talked about what was happening with my psydoc and it's quite good to toss that around with someone who "gets it" and is keen to understand what is helping - learning to stay present, learning to say "no I don't want to talk about it", learning to stop the overwhelm, learning to soothe my body as the adult self. I'm finally realising how unsafe I've felt for so long. Coped with it by being super busy or drinking or dissocating. Ah well, it worked for a while. Animals make me feel safe.

She had me walk away on my own a few times and watch the horses and notice what I was feeling in my body if I felt comfortable. I came back with a small list which was, so she pointed out, chock full of judgements. It's surprising how I don't hear the same thing that she hears. I was in two minds about the equine stuff but I think it's a nice compliment - she's taken it much more to the here and now rather than the there and then. I finished up with a brief hello to the old grey (who said "not today please") and had a little cuddle with the mare. She is lovely.

I've got one more appointment this week with my psydoc then I'm away for work for 5-6 weeks. Have booked an equine session the week after I get back. It's helpful to have that in the calendar - kinda grounding in a way. Going to try to walk lots when I'm away, horse ride occasionally, stop and drink tea, turn off my phone sometimes, pat lots of dogs and cats, watch livestock do what they do best and maybe even stop and notice without judgement for a single minute every now and again.

 

[MyWillow]

Just wanted to add something that has really stayed with me today. Something no one has ever said to me with such genuineness. I really struggle with the Trauma Sensitive Yoga class and, now that I understand it’s about feeling unsafe, I’ve started using the strategies my psydoc suggested - reassuring my body that I AM safe in that environment. My T and I talked about that. I told her I still don’t like it but I’m going to keep trying. Her response?

“I’m so proud of you.”

*faints*

 

[MyWillow]

I had a TS yoga session today. I plucked up the courage to ask C a question about whether I should do yoga classes on my trip - there are some being held at a conference I’m speaking at and also at one of my hotels. She’s super lovely but I feel so unsettled and nervous in the space that it’s hard to connect.

She had the same message as my T and my psydoc - why not listen to your body and see what you feel like doing at the time. Know that you can choose to leave at any time. At the door or half way through the practice. She gave me some tips about “regular yoga” - things that might make me feel uncomfortable - and encouraged me to find out about the type of yoga/instructor and email her for some advice. Maybe even sound out the instructor beforehand. She also suggested I could do my own practice in my room if I felt like it and buying a travel yoga mat for the trip. Which I just did.

Wow. Surely my whole team can’t be wrong about this shit ;)

 

[MyWillow]

Last psydoc session before I leave on my trip. She has real skill. She doesn’t let our relationship get in the way - as in she wants me to listen to MY body, trust MY judgement, to be in control and to be empowered. To dictate what we discuss and when I need a break. To comfort myself. Although I feel like we’ve slowed things down to a grinding halt I’m making more progress. She works hard so that I feel safe in the space. And points out when I haven’t felt safe in the past.

So today she noted that I looked wary. Yep. Fair call. She asked how I wanted to spend this session given I needed some recovery time. I said I needed to deal with the short term pain of talking about my week so I could leave it behind in her office. Put simply I had a flashback this week triggered by - and in the middle of - a conversation with my Mum on the phone. It tore me up and I was crying uncontrollably by the time I got off the phone. Thankfully my partner got me lying down with a blanket and the dogs and cats grounded me quick smart with a purr and a lick.

So we pulled that episode apart and she named it as a memory. Confronting. I needed to shift gears so we finished up talking about things I wished would happen. Taking my dogs on my trip was one of them. Why? So they could sleep on my bed. Why? Because they make me feel safe. On her request I showed her the 3 min segment of a TV show starring my dogs - that took an entire day to film lol. A nice way to close the book on the crap.

See you in 6 weeks folks.

 

[MyWillow]

Back into it and smashed into smithereens despite keeping the sessions relatively light. I’d been simply surviving on my 6 week work trip. Too busy to think. And to feel, so my psydoc reminded me. But at night I had no choice and my subconscious ran wild with nightmares and flashbacks. But I did my 30 min TS yoga every morning and that helped ground me. So it’s a shock to feel again. And today in my equine session I had another flashback. Ugh. The horses helped ground me thankfully but I’m still reaping the consequences.