How can I get MORE flashbacks?

I find that my nightmares and flashbacks help me in my therapeutic journey as well. I also find that the information becomes available when I'm ready to work on it. My flashbacks are traditional - I'm there experiencing the event and it is totally real. I don't want anymore flashbacks ever but when I am triggered it sometimes happens. I think - and ignore this if it doesn't fit- that you should honor yourself and not try to push for more. I really think it will come up when you are ready to see it. And a trauma therapist might be better for this than a life coach. I'm not saying the life coach isn't helping, I'm only saying that a trauma therapist can be so much more helpful along with a life coach.
 
Just this year I got people to take me seriously enough for a psych eval. For decades the doctors just ran a few tests and told me to deal with it. I was a problem patient at my local ER. Take a B12 supplement, they said. They never once thought to let me see a psychiatrist.

Only recently did I stumble onto to a LCSW who informally diagnosed me. My psych diagnosis should be ready soon. I’m waiting for the call. Hopefully then my counselor will stop thinking it’s an allergy.
 
Actually, it’s textbook.

The kind of twist injury + adrenaline in a person grabbing your arm, and falling skiing? Are virtually identical.
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Good points.

No. I won't try to recreate the abuse to get memories, although I have a self punishment part that likes the idea.

My original question still stands however. I want more flashbacks. Right now I'm running what I call a significant flashback maybe every few months. I'm not counting the emo-flashes when I'm just suddenly slightly bittersweet for no discernable reason, or somewhat fearful, but without a cause. I follow these up if I'm not busy, but most of them, "I'm having an emo-flash. It will fade in a few mintues" I'm also not counting times when I blend with Ghost or Rebel. A significant flashback is one that gives me insight or comes with strong emotions. So far:
  • The original nightmare/vision full of darkness, fear, and sexual symbolism.
  • The toddler with fingers spread wide, denying my statement that the CSA happened not once, but many times.
  • Me, age ~8, big eyes, standing waiting for mom to slam me into wall or door.
  • This wrist flashback.
  • A couple times I have started to shiver, teeth chattering, but not cold.
  • A few times I've had that itchy, "I wanna fight!" from an adrenaline surge, but without the emotional part.

Freudian slips:
  • "Humour is a defense mechanism. If I make her laugh mom doesn't hit me"
  • "I spent a lot of time in the basement. I felt safe there"
Strong memories. These aren't flashbacks, as they are clearly memories in my head. But most memories don't trigger emotions. Most of my emotional memory is actually just remembering my narrative description of the memory.

  • Coming into my parents bedroom when I was 4, some holiday morning, and finding them having sex. I backed out quiet like mices, and eased the door closed. But even at that age, I *knew* this wasn't to be talked about. So I never asked questions. They never brought it up.
  • My mom, who couldn't remember my birthday, and had to send off to Vital Statistics to get a new copy of my birth certificate.
  • My dad coming home after 10 weeks in hospital far away recovering from open heart surgery. And not recognizing me.
  • Objecting to cuts my boss was making. I was working in a boarding school. On site accomodation. My boss and I had a row, and he inisted on an oath of obedience. I refused. I was fired, had the weekend to get off the property, and I lost my job, career, home, and friends/workmates in one swoop. I was months recovering from that. And had the rug jerked out from me 3 more times during the next year. I can still get angry at that boss if I write out the account in detail. And when I found he had died a painful death from cancer, I rejoiced.
Some don't make sense
  • I'm in my neighbour's garage. But it's also the inside of a metal shop of some kind. There are buckets of scrap metal here and there. I can smell the tang of metal, and the lube oil film that is everywhere. A girl/young woman at the other end of the shop shouts, "Pink! Stop!"
  • Am involved dream about a huge industrial building with lots of bright yellow rods/pipes high in the ceiling spaces. Chunks of these break off and come raining down, impaling people. Blood and screaming everywhere. Someone helps me into a doorway between sections where there is no pipes overhead. In the connected building they are doing cleanup with loaders, scooping up rods and people, many still alive and screaming, and dumping into lorries to haul them away.
 
I find this thread fascinating. My repression is my biggest blessing and the greatest gift I've ever been given. I choose to leave the past in the past. When it intrudes, it breaks my heart.
Many people share your view. Here's my dilemma: Whatever happened, I was very good at locking it down, and out. The consequence is that most of my life I've been a slightly sad robot most of the time. I've postponed dealing with this shit for 66 years. Until I deal with it, I cannot finish growing up.

Right now I only get a few significant flashbacks a year. But the price of that is never falling in love, never grieving, never really understanding joy, never being terrfied into immobility. It some ways it's good. I've saved lives by just doing what was needful, and thinking on overdrive. Rescue Robot. Good Robot.
 
I want more flashbacks too. I've only realized this is in me at 42, after 2 decades of working on my mental health. I'm doing IFS so I try to keep thanking parts for showing me things and asking them to trust me and therapist that I can cope with knowledge. And then doing my best to not get self destructive so that they can believe that trust. I've stopped work pretty much, so now is the time. It feels like there is a least one giant pustules in my brain wanting to burst.
 
I find that my nightmares and flashbacks help me in my therapeutic journey as well. I also find that the information becomes available when I'm ready to work on it. My flashbacks are traditional - I'm there experiencing the event and it is totally real. I don't want anymore flashbacks ever but when I am triggered it sometimes happens. I think - and ignore this if it doesn't fit- that you should honor yourself and not try to push for more. I really think it will come up when you are ready to see it. And a trauma therapist might be better for this than a life coach. I'm not saying the life coach isn't helping, I'm only saying that a trauma therapist can be so much more helpful along with a life coach.
Replying to my own post.

Things I'm trying or planning.

Current: I have an alarm set on my phone to go off every hour during the night. most of the best flashes /dreams/intrusive memories have been on the borderline between waking and sleeping. Couple this with talking to my parts and inviting them to speak up.

Future: I'm going to try psilocyben mushrooms. See if that breaks down the barriers to my dissociated memories.
 
I find this thread fascinating. My repression is my biggest blessing and the greatest gift I've ever been given. I choose to leave the past in the past. When it intrudes, it breaks my heart.
Yea I’m with you. My mind has shown me enough for me to know that I don’t want to know anymore. I actually fear what’s in there and keep it stuffed down. I don’t want to know what I know, if that makes sense?
 
Future: I'm going to try psilocyben mushrooms. See if that breaks down the barriers to my dissociated memories.
I realize you are not me, but I was fine, an RN case manager at a large hospital when all my dissociated memories were triggered. I had a complete mental breakdown. Lost my career, my friends, my mind. I would never risk doing that to myself on purpose. Those memories are dissociated because you couldn't bear to deal with them. Why not wait until you are under a trauma specialist's care to venture into those memories?
 
Have you tried EMDR?
I'm not a good candidate for emdr, as I have very few flashbacks or intrusive memories. EMDR from my reading works best when you have strong flashbacks that are readily triggered.

I realize you are not me, but I was fine, an RN case manager at a large hospital when all my dissociated memories were triggered. I had a complete mental breakdown. Lost my career, my friends, my mind. I would never risk doing that to myself on purpose. Those memories are dissociated because you couldn't bear to deal with them. Why not wait until you are under a trauma specialist's care to venture into those memories?

I can't get better until I face these memories. I feel this in my gut. I'm at a stage that if there was a magic pill that had a 50% chance of making me whole, and 50% chance of killing me instantly, I dont think I'd hesitate longer than to let people know.
 
Triggering myself on purpose.

ALSO how i get a handle on managing panic attacks faster/better.

RELATED to how I chip away at said triggers/stressors (just flirting along the edges of a trigger/stressor enough to cause a hint of a reaction, but not a full blown reaction; until the edge moves & zero reaction happens at all).
Is this like one form of exposure therapy what is used in treatment of ocd? Of course when done alone need to mindful of not to overwhem oneself.
 
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