How Can I Stop Feeling Nervous/less Worthy Of The Type Of Girls I Want To Meet?

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Solara .. oh dear, I feel ya! I really struggled with seeing the difference in how I was treated when only my "appearance" changed. Only accentuated the "prejudice" afforded the "beautiful" (and the negative side afforded the "not so beautiful") in this world. My man and I were "accidental" because of circumstances (I would prefer the word "Providential" - as if only God could override our respective "prejudices" .. haha!) .. and it only later proved to be a blessing.

I do think time will add depth perception - something already stated several times here in response to @Glen Myers 's original post (I hope you don't think we're hijacking your thread, sir!) ..

I had to work really hard to learn not to be "offended" by COMPLIMENTS after my transformation. The reality is that it revealed something deeper in me - mostly having to do with a) finding my value in what others think of me and b) not knowing how to set healthy boundaries (not every interested party is an automatic "threat"!). I am learning to say "Thank you" for a compliment without judging the other person's motives, AND to not seek others' positive affirmation as a statement of my WORTH as a person. I have to see the value of who I am (who I was MADE to be) as both of greater importance, AND as sometimes invisible to people who don't know me so well. (in other words, I don't have to "prove" myself all the time!)

I think I know enough about the "real" world to realize my man's affections towards me could change, too. Plenty of people get married expecting their spouse to define them, to affirm them, to love them unconditionally, and I'm not sure ANYONE gets married EXPECTING it won't work out .. but if I put that pressure on my man to make me feel "worthy" (this is relevant to @Glen Myers too, on the other side of the coin), then I WILL end up derailing our relationship, because he can't love me "perfectly" either. I have to "find my worth" elsewhere - I didn't find it IN myself - because I am often my own worst enemy! But I am VERY thankful to have come to understand "God's grace" and that in his goodness, HE made me, HE loves me unconditionally AS I am, and loves me enough to not LEAVE me where I am (with all my imperfections). He's given me a vision of the woman he MADE me to be, and this has made all the difference. So I keep her - that vision - in front of me, and keep fighting (with myself ;) ) to be more like her every day.

And I think my man would say he's had a similar awakening for himself .. Because of his own issues attached to his brand of PTSD and all its attendant miseries, the fact that I am looking to GOD and not to him for my fulfillment FREES him to be in a relationship with me, and not fear he's only going to ruin things, or what not. And it frees me to see the HEART of the man, and not "judge" him merely by his symptoms .. which are varied and changeable - sometimes for the good, sometimes not.

Youth can be "idealistic" in terms of what it thinks it wants. And age doesn't always automatically mean maturity and perspective. In our particular case, we have CHOSEN to love each other "no matter what" .. my greater happiness is making my man happy than expecting him to make me happy, and vice versa. We're building "self-sacrifice" (NOT to be confused with "martydom" !!) into the foundation of our commitment to one another.

It's imperfect, to be sure! I don't mean to sound all roses and butterflies .. but there is much truth to the idea that to find the right person, we must first BECOME "the right person." :inlove:

~S2B

 

[illusionist]

Glen Myers.......I used to be what would be classed as a ' hottie' I was never short of dates, and played the outgoing person who oozed false confidence in my looks. I would walk into a room and the men's heads would turn....was even asked to put my name in a modelling agencies books. You know all I wanted in a boyfriend?.....someone who matched my true personality. I spent many evenings out chatting to shy guys.....they were a relief from the continuous compliments about my looks.......it was great to have conversations about interesting stuff instead of the boring conversations I was used to having with the more confident guys.....the shy guys were far more interesting to me..height never came into it. The sad thing is....the shy guys didn't ask me out so I thought I wasn't good enough for them! It took me years to realise why........both them and myself lacked the confidence to make that move. Take it from me....be yourself, and make the contact.

 

[joeylittle]

Part of the reason is because i'm only 5'3" and the girls I like are really social party girls who usually go out with guys who are 5'9-6'0" so I feel like i'm really unattractive to them. I only rarely see them with a short guy like me and they usually have a rock solid confidence which I am not even close too.

Until you can find that authentic confidence in yourself, you aren't going to be happy. Even if you got asked out by whatever your paradigm of beauty is, you wouldn't be happy. You might think you would, or that you need that kind of experience to get the confidence, but nope.

Everything else is just youth, but hopefully you'll grow out of it soon. Things like 'settle', 'bottom of the barrel', 'mildly attractive', 'shorts and a crop top', 'not trying to get with tall girls'...it's not a problem to have strong responses to physical types that you like, we all do that. But deciding to slum it with types you don't like is just not helpful, long term.

 

[Mit]

This thread made me think about how I viewed myself at Glen's age and how I view myself now, in terms of attractiveness to others. Here goes:

As a young man I thought I was "bottom of the barrel" material;

If I was looking for a relationship now, I'd think the same.

Only difference now is that I think of my partner as the sort of girl I wouldn't have got a look in when I was young. I'm a very fortunate chap. I'm sure there's a moral to this but I'm not sure what it is!

 

[illusionist]

Op.....Something I have heard so often from men.....their wife changed when they got married. They no longer look the same...don't make the effort blah blah.
When I married I had long dark hair, almost down to my waist. My husband adored long hair on a woman, his vision of the height of femininity....I didn't quite realise just how important it was to him until I got it cut short. He completely changed towards me basically overnight....why didn't I ask him?..why did I want to take away part of my femininity?....do I really feel good with short hair?...you would have looked far better in that dress if you had your long hair!....these were the things that were said to me. I was still the same person he married but in his eyes I'd changed too much, just by cutting my hair. Op....putting to much emphasis on looks, on an image, can backfire. People do change, fashions change, priorities change....so you could end up being with a person who holds nothing except the raw person you originally felt attracted to. That is what you need to seek in a woman...not what she is dressed in.....you are young, in time you will hopefully realise this. My style for many, many years now, has been long skirts down to my ankles, and loose fitting tops so that I show nothing of my figure to the outside world...completely different to those early years of well fitted clothes which showed my figure....and I have more confidence now, than back then.