How do i be more caring/nicer to my husband

[Suzetig]

what about when your triggerd in to a fight or flee response how in-control are you then

You are still responsible for your actions. Honestly “I did it while I was triggered so it’s not my fault/I had no control/couldn’t help it” is bullshit. We have a responsibility to understand our triggers and to learn how to manage our response to those triggers. It is hard. Very hard sometimes, and sometimes we come across a new thing that triggers us and before we know it our behaviour has gone south again - and we know there’s a new lesson ahead but saying “I did it while I was triggered” like that covers it it an utter nonsense.

We need to manage our responses and behaviours in all kinds of places, if your wife can manage her behaviour with the kids, with her friends, at the store, when driving, at her workplace etc etc it’s abusive to choose not to manage it with you. That may sound harsh but it’s the truth.

Fight or flight are processes which explain what’s happening physically and psychologically when triggered, as someone with PTSD it’s about understanding that process so that you can slow down, re-engage your thinking brain and decide a course of action. It’s the same process we use for things like anger management - and no one would suggest folk can’t (or don’t need to) control their anger.

In your shoes I’d be looking at why I felt the need to defend my wife’s unacceptable behaviour towards me - your loyalty is admirable but by not expecting high standards from her in her relationship with you, you actively prevent her from healing. Simply put, if you don’t stand up to her, she’ll keep thinking it’s fine to behave badly towards you. Which is your choice. I’d respectfully suggest that you look at what’s happened with her and you on the forum and how much that reflects the dynamic in your marriage generally.

No one put your wife down, she posted repeatedly about your relationship in the most disrespectful of terms and was called on it. The point of a peer support board isn’t to collude with each other, sympathy and love bombing have their place but it’s challenge that helps us change. And we’re here to change.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

what I find i when she gets triggered all sense is gone she will lash out at me because I am safe

I lash out at people because they are there. Not because they are safe. My dad & step mom were the ones I lashed out againgst the most and they lived with me for 8 yrs. They were there. But they cant be anymore unsafe to he honest. Just me though.

given time and understanding from me she will open up to me agine and I want let her down like i did in the past.

That's the thing. YOU WILL let her down because you are not a therapist. And with this expectation, she will feel hurt and you will kick yourself and then rinse and repeat. You cannot be a stand in therapist. You are there to support. Support doesn't equal help or fix or anything of the like. A supporter cannot help us. We must help ourselves. It's just is what it is. And by having these expectations, it sets you both up for failure.

even saying i was just joking. I stopped and it is rare that I slip up and do it but I do at times.

Which is tip toeing around triggers which isn't your job nor is it really possible and certianly not sustainable! It's just not possible to do long term and you should not have to step around triggers. My triggers are my responsibilty. If I need to step away, leave, get some alone time, isolate, whatever I need at that moment is my responsiblity. Putting it on someone else is not right and is blaming others when its my fault. I would not want anyone to tip toe around my triggers. Eventually you will step on one and now you are back to kicking yourself for "letting her down" when you cannot possibily tip toe around triggers. Triggers can be any sight, sound, or smell. Its not possible to avoid all of them. Nor should you! You will eventually step on one and that then loops back around to the beginning of letting her down. Thus not sustainable. You will get no where this way and will keep going in a circle.

 

[dubliner38]

I lash out at people because they are there. Not because they are safe. My dad & step mom w...

they werent about her triggers, it was things i said as a joke that were mean.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It doesn't matter @dubliner38! She is responsible for how she responds to you (or anyone) point, period, blank! There is no if, ands, or buts about that. No, it's not good to say mean jokes and you are changing that and thats cool and needed but nothing excuses lashing out. Is it ok for a man to beat his wife (or yell at her) because she said a mean joke to him? Or for a parent to beat or yell at their child because they said a mean joke? Or a to yell at a co-worker because they said a mean joke? No on all points, right? It is just not right for her to lash out at you because you said a mean joke. Nothing excuses that and you are enabling bad behavior instead of holding her accountable for it.

And my bit about lashing out because you are there and not because you are safe was said because supporters tend to excuse and justify lashing out by saying they are lashing out at you because you are safe. That's bullshit. She's lashing out at you because you are there. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[dubliner38]

well thank you all for your points I ll keep them in mind. and we will keep working on our marriage and healing. I have asked my wife to come back to the site after her ban is lifted she wanted to leave and was given a short term ban to give her time to think on it. I told her if she dose we both change our names and dont tell each other the new name I think this site has and can help her.


I would call her over and over to try and talk to her when she would be upset or not let her leave because I was afraid of what she might do. getting better about it and so is she.

 

[Nessa7]

I think it might be helpful to keep in mind that you're doing something that most members here find terrifying. Any time I have seen someone talk about privacy on the forum, it has been from the perspective of wanting to keep it secret and private. Someone finding their account would be a horrible and scary thing. The general culture of this place is not going to be particularly supportive of you both having accounts here, and I think it has colored responses somewhat.

Another option, if you both want to remain on the site, could be that you could limit your reading and posting to the supporter sections. Your wife could also avoid those sections.

 

[blackemerald1]

we will keep working on our marriage and healing. I

Hey @dubliner38 - please do keep working on your marriage. I think if you could show a therapist what you have written here. That would be a great starting point for getting some real world advice and learning about how healthy relationships work...mistakes and all.

Go well.

 

[joeylittle]

Fight/Flight mode doesn’t turn us into mindless animals incapable of all self control. Even if it sometimes feels that way, in the beginning, or you’re brand new to learning self control. Just because a person wants to fight, or wants to run away, doesn’t mean they have to

Just quoting for truth.

supporters tend to excuse and justify lashing out by saying they are lashing out at you because you are safe. That's bullshit. She's lashing out at you because you are there. Nothing more, nothing less.

I disagree. Your experience of this might be more influenced by your BPD traits. Personally, I only push back on people I know quite well.

@dubliner38 - I think the important thing to be aware of is that it’s easy to fall into the trap of making excuses for a mentally ill family member - especially when their emotional dysregulation is showing up as anger. It is possible for the sufferer to learn to manage those responses. It’s probably pretty similar to how you’ve learned to manage your own suicidal thinking.

Don’t get me wrong - understanding and naming a behavior - as in, knowing that your wife lashes out at you because you’re a safe person for her - that IS a useful thing. It’s just easy for that to turn into you accepting the behavior, and that’s something you don’t have to do.

I told her if she dose we both change our names and dont tell each other the new name I think this site has and can help her.

I think this is very smart.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I disagree. Your experience of this might be more influenced by your BPD traits. Personally, I only push back on people I know quite well.

I was speaking about what I read in the supporter section here. Not from personal experience. I have read a lot of "well, I'm a safe person for them to lash out at" on here. It's what I've read so has zero to do with my own diagnosis.

ETA: I'll add that yes, I was also using my personal experience of people being there and not being safe (and that isn't just BPD) but, nonetheless that isn't a justification which was my point.

 

[Abstract]

I find it quite easy to guess who someone is from their writing style and I suspect both of you are quite transparent people - not used to hiding things. Maybe not that good about laying boundaries down for each other.

I would suggest that in addition to you both having names you don't know that you decide on areas each of you will avoid. Maybe you avoid the sufferer relationship forum and she only posts about your relationship there, not on any of the other forums. And you get to discuss these things in the supporters relationship forum and she isn't to go there. Something for you both to discuss when the time comes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It’s just easy for that to turn into you accepting the behavior,

That!