General How Do I Deal? Husband Iraq Veteran

[cavmensgurl72]

My name is Bobbie and my husband was diagnosed with PTSD in May of 06. His PTSD is from the time he spent in IRAQ in 04. We had suspected he had PTSD but he kept putting off getting help because of the stigma put on Navy combat medics. Since we are both in the military we knew that he might possibly go back to Iraq, in Jan of 06 he was told he was going back to Iraq in June of 06. While he was gearing up to go again, his PTSD symptoms got worse and became more evident. I constantly begged him to get help. He kept telling me he would after this deployment to Iraq. In Feb of 06 I told him we couldn't get married until he got some help, before he was scheduled to leave in June. 1 week after our discussion about him getting help, he flipped out (he was bitter and angry) on a few co-workers and his supervisor suspected he had PTSD as well and sent him to talk to the psychiatrist at the Naval hospital. One week later he was diagnosed and put on meds for the PTSD and anxiety. He didn't make that deployment and is facing possible medical retirement.
What I am having a hard time dealing with is my own co-dependency and the effects of the medication and depression. Oct and April are very bad months for us. He has acknowledged this in therapy (which he attends 2x a week, group and one on one). His meds have been upped a few times in the last 7 months. I know that are marriage is struggling and I want to be that supportive and understanding wife. I feel so selfish, I don't get the time with him that I want/need, the intimacy is non existant. When he spoke to the doc, the immediate response was to put my husband on viagra. He doesn't want to take more meds. Sometimes he is so distant and I don't know where he is emotionally. He has good days and bad days. I want to be able to help him heal and not be so controlling. Open for thoughts and suggestions.
Bobbie

 

[dazednconfused]

??

Not sure what to tell you to do, other than take care of yourself. I know that is not much good to you right now, but my husband and I are separated because he said I was a nag and gripe. We did not find out about the PTSD until after he left for sure, so I never really had a chance to change anything that I was doing. I just thought he was behaving strangely etc... Now he is in therapy and the therapist/psychologist has advised him to just be "blunt" with me about his feelings. According to him she thinks he needs to divorce me for "boundaries". This is from a family counselling place where I thought the idea was to keep the family together, but I guess not in our case. Anyway, I am just trying to be patient and let whatever happens happen.

I send you bunches of hugs though. I know this is a hard time in your life. I will pray for you all.

dazed

 

[kimdim]

Take care of yourself Dazed.
sending you loads of hugs
Kim

 

[kimdim]

Sorri have written that wrong:eek:
Take care of yourself Bobbie too.
Sending you loads of hugs too.

 

[Scott_Fraser]

Hello Bobbie. My name is Scott. I'm Kim's husband and I suffer from Combat Stress as well due to the time I served with the British Army in Bosnia.
You are lucky in that your Armed Forces look after themselves. Here in the UK we are left on the Scrapheap after we come out of the Army. And it is the local health authorities are left to take care of us. And hlf of the time they don't know what they are doing or what Combat Stress is.
It is a sad indictment on my Country. We serve our Queen and get treated like shit once we leave. Please excuse my language.
I am putting my wife through hell with this condition, and it is very hard for her. But I could not do withoout her right now.
Your husband needs you more than ever right now, and I know that you will be there for him.
My thoughts are with you right now and pass on my wishes to your husband.
Best Wishes
Scott Fraser

 

[Andrea42]

Hi Bobbie,
First of all welcome, glad you are here.
My husband has been in Iraq as well and he was PTSD. I have not had time to read what everyone has said yet but i will later just wante to give my 2cents..... as for the meds... in my situation i think it was too much too fast. My husbands doc put him on antidepressants and anxienty meds and i didnt not like that nor did he... after a while he realized that he did not want meds controlling him so he is curently not taking anything... sounds like your hubby is being pretty consistant with PTSD.... hes angry, scared, emotionally screwed up....its all pretty "normal" i guess you can say... It comes and goes and his moods with go up and down... The best thing for you to do is simply be supporitve. Theres not much else you can do i have learn. and try your hardest to be patient. trust me, its not fun for him.....

 

[dazednconfused]

For Scott.....

What is it like to go through this on a day to day basis for you? If you don't mind my asking, are you on any kind of medication? My husband has left me during all this mess and says there is no hope for reconciliation and then he gives me a little glimmer of hope that things will get better for that only to disappear too. I am trying to just give him his space and let what will be, be, but it is so hard when you love someone to watch them go through this. Right now he is full of himself and does not care what anyone thinks. He only sleeps 2-3 hours a night, has memory loss and looks horribly, unkempt a lot of the time and wants to just go to work and then sleep a lot of the time during the day when he does not get sleep at night and sometimes can't sleep during the day either (he does not tell me this, but he lives with his mama and daddy and of course they blab to me sometimes). Even though he is so horrible to me I still love him and want to help him, even if he does go through the divorce, but it seems so hard sometimes to know when to help and when to just not say anything. Most of the time I am so mad about the divorce that I would love to just hit him or something, but instead most of the time I send him a card and tell him to hang in there or try to compliment him on something in order to lift his spirits. I just know I would feel horrible feeling the way some of you guys feel and no matter if he is hurting us, I believe he is lashing out at the people he really loves the most and that he knows he can get away with it with.

I know people are telling me he has a girlfriend, etc.., but I am still not so sure, as I could not believe a woman in her right mind would go out with someone who looks as tacky as he does right now and smokes like a chimney and so on and so on. I think he just thinks if this gets around, that I will give him the divorce and he can go on with his life and he has told his mama that he is really not seeing anyone and normally he does not lie to her, but he could be I guess.

Either way, I am going on with my life, but just wondered how you felt and if you ever took Lexapro, because he changed so much after he took this drug.

thanks in advance.

dazed

 

[gunnerbunny]

Dealing

Bobbie, I really do feel for you. My husband was offically diagnosed in July 06 and I have had some trouble dealing as well. We have been having some of the same problems. The intimacy is all but gone. It is kind of 50% the PTSD and 50% medication. Most of the common meds cause problems in that area. We have just taken my hubby off the meds and he will be starting more natural treatments. His doc is putting him on St. John's wort and Adivan for bad days as needed. Hopefully this will help. He has been on 7 different meds (and combinations of) for 6 months.
Make sure that you get lots of support for you. Make sure that you discuss ways to overcome your feelings of guilt and selfishness and that you have the proper tools to combat stress and anger.
Try to find other ways to be intimate with your hubby. We had to leave the sex out for a while(almost the full six months) and try working on just holding hands when we sit on the couch and watch TV together or when we are out and about town. It doesn't take the place of sex and that kind of intimacy but for my hubby it was non demanding and he didn't have to worry about not being able to perform because of the meds. Recently we were able to reconnect completely and it was great(more emotionally for me, because I really needed that connection from him). Now if we have to wait another 6 months I might go crazy, but we will have to see.
Just remember, you are not alone, your feelings (even the selfish ones) are valid and important, and in order to be "that supportive and understanding wife" you need to take care of you first. I don't always understand and I am not always 100% supportive because I am human and have my bad days too, but in the end I know that as long as he is willing to go to therapy and help himself get better and I stay healthy, our marriage will work itself out in the end. I don't dwell on the possiblity that it won't. Yes that means I do sacrifice a lot more for this marriage than he does right now, but I love him and myself enough to do just that.
Keep you chin up and try to stay positive. We are all here to listen and support you.
BTW, dazed I am really sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope that he one day sees(again) what a wonderful person you are. Keep your spirits high and don't give up.

:crazy:gunnerbunny

 

[Celt]

Hugs Bobbie,
My partner is also a UK army vet,definitely take care of yourself.....if you don't, you will go down-hill and be no good to yourself OR your partner.I also have co-dependency issues that i'm learning to deal with and have had to learn to do what "I" need to,not what others need.

 

[Scott_Fraser]

Keep going

Hi Bobbie, sorry to hear that things are so bad with your husband. I'm on an Anti-depressant called Sertraline 150mg and they seem to help my mood swings. Why don't you ask his doctor about them he may be able to advise you better. As for his appearance! Try and let him see for his self how scruffy he is. Surely with him serving in the forces that would have taught him to take care of himself. His parents seem to think that their boy can do no wrong. But you see for yourself everyday that his moods are very bad. I hope that he has never hit you, as I can't stand that in a man. If he has, you do not need to put up with this and contact a lawyer.
My own mood swings are a bit different, I go off into my own little world and it can take a few days for me to come out of it. Luckily my wife Kim understands what I'm going through. I couldn't do without her.
Take every day as it comes Bobbie and try and get through it as best as you can. Hopefully he will eventually see sense and come back to you.
Take care
Scott:thumbs-up

 

[hannah]

Hi there Bobbie - Ditto to Dazed - whilst your in all this turmoil it is so hard to see understand and make sense of it. I didnt starting to now - some days- Gone through the same - did all the soul searching was it me blamed myself and then after some time I could see better .

His bitterness and anger unleashed on me hurt and damaged me and I could not see the wood for the trees.

Our separartion was inevitable - but if only I ahd been aware of this monster. I am so feeling for you I send my sympathy.

 

[cavmensgurl72]

Thanks so much!!

First let me apologize for the mass response. I am so overwhelmed by the amount of support and understanding. Thank you to all of you for reading, listening and responding. I realize things aren't that bad and we are going to take it day by day. Hugs back to everyone!
Bobbie