Relationship How Do I End Things Without Devastating Her? I Can't Be Put "on Hold" Anymore.

[ProudWife99]

Luke, you sound like a caring, compassionate, wonderful individual who is trying to do the right think against all odds. That takes strength and courage and a sense of love that not many people are able to understand. Take it a little easy on yourself on deciding the how of it all. As I say a lot, there is no handbook on all of this. Every way of saying thing, every way of handling a situation has it's negatives. For the longest time it was easy for me to over analyze how I was going to tell my husband something and avoid actually telling him because I couldn't find the right time or way. There is never a "perfect" time, especially when adding PTSD into the equation.

Just know you're doing the right thing for you and possibly for her. There is no perfect way to go about it so don't beat yourself up over it. I personally, would recommend the phone call. It seems more personal to me. Just my two cents, however.

Sending support and comfort your way.

 

[Tinyflame]

Luke, I am ashamed to say I have done what she has done.
For me, to be honest, I actually was trying to get the guy(s) to stop, at some level.
I think if you had had a chance (or it was better timing) to form a stronger in-person (normal/ practical) relationship, you would still have issues to deal with but she might have been able to overcome the fear. As it stands now, it doesn't sound like she's ready to.

For what it's worth, lots of 'us' (well, myself, anyway) end up dating abusive guys because they are the opposite of 'you' or your approach- more aggressive, assertive, manipulative in the sense of blaming, and couldn't care less about ('our') feelings.

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out- ptsd is an awful thing to contend with- like another person in the room, sometimes :(
Best wishes-

 

[Luke5047]

I'm scared that she will get into an abusive relationship. She thinks that is all that she deserves, that she deserves to be treated badly. She believes that because she has baggage, problems, whatever, that she doesn't deserve anyone, especially not a good guy. This doesn't make any sense to me but I guess it does to her.

Do you think it is best to completely remove myself from her life, or talk to her occasionally or be there for her if she needs me? I'm so unsure about all of this... I've never had to deal with anything like this or know anyone who has.

 

[JohnJohn]

Luke,

My wife and mother to our child is behaving in a similar fashion, it is a primal survival response to avoid getting hurt again. I am hanging in there, but being already married with a child puts a little more on the table than you two. I hope she is getting help with her situation. My wife has yet to fully disclose her traumatic abuse from her first husband, but I am sure sexual assault is among the laundry list of transgressions she faced.

I know at some point my daughter and I must go on, but when that is I am not sure. Right now she has left us and I don't believe it made her situation as good as she maybe thought it would.

I am saying this only to give perspective. You are here and in your relationship, as we all are, because we care. Unfortunately though at some point we all realize that we can not continue to help others without sacrificing part of ourselves. What that level of sacrifice is for each of us varies, but we all have limits.

Luke, you and all of us are entitled to live the best lives we can. I, like you plan on doing my best to support my loved one and know in time will have to move on if she can not move on with us. That will never change what she means to us, but it will mean that I did my best to help her live again.

Luke, in my opinion (as all of this is) if you can look back on this and say you did your best then you should not look down on your decision to end your relationship. Again, I hope she is getting help with her problem and it may be a wise idea to keep her loved ones in the loop so they can be sure she has support should she need it during this time also.

Take care and good luck to you both. You and everyone deserves happiness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with the above.
Unfortunately, you cannot protect her from abusive relationships.

I would not remove yourself- a voice of 'sanity', entirely, unless she just 'uses' you; however, that may be too difficult for you, and even worse: you will know what's going on (that is wrong) but be unable to have any real say in it. Not realistic if you want to break it off.

Ask your heart-of-hearts Luke.

But please remember Luke- you didn't cause the ptsd, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
-Hugs

 

[Cannon Fodder]

Luke - just a suggestion, but if you are going to do a phone call, why not write out an outline for yourself of all the things you want to mention? Keep it next to you when you call - that way you get the personal touch of the phone call without worrying that you left something out.

And if ever it comes up in the future that she needs "proof", you can always make out a letter from the outline you drafted.

 

[maddog]

Others have given excellent words of wisdom as always. For what it's worth, I'd probably go with the phone call option as well, but perhaps you could follow this up with an e-mail, emphasising the key points you wanted to share with her, the ones you'd like her to have a permanent record of...

The question of whether or not to have any ongoing contact with her is, again, deeply personal, and something only you can know based on your own instincts and desires. If it feels right and safe and ok for you to remain friends and the same seems true for her, then go with it, but if it isn't mutually safe and pleasant, then this may not be possible.

Much as you may wish to, you cannot contingency plan for her future or put things in place to ensure her future safety. You can only deal with the here and the now and the parts of her life that are enmeshed with yours, and beyond that, her self protection is her own responsibility, hopefully with the professional assistance of a therapist to guide her through her healing.

Courage to you Luke.

Maddog

 

[ProudWife99]

Luke - I understand your fear of her future relationships, but you cannot take that on. One of the things I see the most in supporters is a need to take on the "what-ifs" for their partner. I spoke with a woman not to long ago and we realized, together, that she had started to view her husband (suffering from combat ptsd) almost as a child. She analyzed over every decision she made and what it may do to him. There is some of that in any relationship as we try our best to avoid hurting those we love, but in most cases we have to allow people to be adults on their own.

I love what Junebug said regarding the fact that you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. Only she can. Sometimes we have to allow those people we love to stand on their own two feet or let them fall. It hurts like hell, but coddling them by avoiding real-life decisions that may hurt them does little for recovery and healing. We can't avoid perfectly reasonable, healthy actions in fear they will have unreasonable unhealthy reactions to them. I suffer from PTSD from a sexual assault and if my husband avoided doing things that may send me into a downward spiral ALL the time he wouldn't be helping me, only enabling those triggers.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Luke5047]

I ended things with her and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't know if I will regret this decision a year from now, a month from now or heck even a day from now.

Breaking up with someone is hard enough, but throwing PTSD and other mental health disorders makes it a world harder. Trying to make it as easy as possible on her while I was in a very emotional place was very hard. I didn't get the reaction I expected. We were video chatting and I felt like it was time to tell her instead of leading her on anymore. I expect her to break down, cry, panic, etc. She didn't. She was hurt, she was sad, she teared up a bit, got quiet and completely tuned me out. She seemed to constantly be staring off into space. When she talked she was quiet and had no energy to her voice.

I told her that she is an amazing woman and deserves an amazing man, to accept nothing less than amazing. She said "Obviously not". I asked her if she would EVER get into an abusive relationship or if she would leave if she was in one and she just shrugged and said "Who cares? Either that or alone". This REALLY scares me. I was actually considering changing my mind but I knew I had to stay strong. Just thinking about a "man" beating up on her either physically or emotionally kills me. The worst part is, I don't think she'd stop it.

I'm very lucky (in my opinion) to know a mutual friend. I have asked him to keep an eye on her and have also talked to two other friends of hers to do the same. I NEED to know that she is ok. Our mutual friend tells me she isn't doing good at all and it makes me feel terrible. She refuses to talk to anyone and has completely shut every one out. No one has seen her eat since I ended things, two days ago. I know I can't do anything but I feel bad.

Trying to move on from her is very hard and I hope I made the right decision. I just couldn't wait around for something that may never happen, I have my own future to think about and sometimes we need to be a little selfish.

I hope she does ok, starts eating, starts talking to friends again and lets another man into her life when she is ready. I can't help feeling like I am a terrible man and that I destroyed her...

 

[amethist]

Hi Luke

I am really sorry it came to this, unfortunately this does happen though. Even without PTSD in the mix, she could have reacted the same way.

Sometimes even though you know it will be hard on them, you have to do the right thing for yourself.

She has people keeping an eye on her, but in the end what she chooses to do, is her own choice, you cannot influence her at all. You tried, you did your best, you hung in there as long as you could, you could do no more.

Take care of your self for a while.

Amethist

 

[Tinyflame]

Luke, I am sorry it came to that, and I know you are trying to be noble but it doesn't really work that way, you will go on to live seperate lives. The input ends, unless you remain friend, which I think is not as likely with ptsd involved, or most relationships.

If she was unable to provide what you needed, and this was the right choice for you, then what else can be said.
Of course, why do you think she would believe your words, under the circumstances and without fore-warning, but what else could you say? To be honest, she wouldn't want you with her out of pity, etc, either, or you unhappy, I am sure.
I'm sorry- :(

 

[Tinyflame]

One question Luke, did you meet someone else already, or have someone else in mind?