How Do I Find My Way Out?

[Stephen]

Hello,

My life terrorised "myself"
I felt it die
But the spirit moved on
Then my spirit was brought to its knees also

The world closed in
The train got faster from behind
The train got faster toward me
And i couldn't get off the tracks

Anxiety, panic, paranoia and intolerance reined
I found myself gradually becoming disabled
Falling away from the world of nightmares
Falling into a state of nowhere

So i sit hear now
Living in the land of nowhere
Wondering whether i will ever get out again
Wondering if i will ever find my way out

Help!!!!

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Yup....I think maybe you have stumbled across a path to follow and now you aren't in 'nowhere' anymore.....you are "Now Here". Welcome

 

[Mercy]

Welcome, Stephen.:hello:
I beleive with all my heart that you can 'find your way out'. Contacting this site may help you stay in contact with a place beyond the land of nowhere.
I've been on that slide into my pit too.:eek:

Are you able to find professional help? It has really helped me to have at least one person know my history and my challenges(too many of those to count)with whom I can talk with regularly. It was a long hard road back for me and I still slide right back down at times. We are here to cheer you on.:clap:

 

[Stephen]

Hello,

I have been to counselling once a week for the past 18 months, but it has not helped. I am much more enlightened about many aspects of me and general life now - but they have still not cured my problem.

I had been terrorised by losses for many years, which culminated in many years of panic and anxiety attacks - and all the time i had to keep pushing myself in high pressurised working environments.

I began to gradually lose a foothold, first having issues in meetings, then on planes, trains, tunnels, cars - finally having to take low paying jobs closer to home and then being dismissed for having anxiety attacks forced me into my bedroom. Where i have pretty much stayed since then.

Horrible thing is - not only am i scared of the outside, but there is little reason for me to go there. I am not wanted out there because i have held senior jobs and many people dispise me because i was a high flyer in my 20's and 30's. I feel i am being punished, as i am unable to do anything to earn money and look after the family.

My counsellors say i had a nervous breakdown and depression and i am on disability for aggrophobia, but i know i had PTSD. Everything i read about it seems to fit.

Have you ever had something like this happen to you? Do you know any way i can change my thinking to get out of this hell whole?

Thank you
Stephen

 

[Nicolette]

I have been to counselling once a week for the past 18 months, but it has not helped.

Hi Stephen

I am curious as to why you think counselling has not helped you?

 

[Stephen]

Hello Nicolette,

The counselling has not helped because i am still in the same situation i was in 18 months ago. Still taking the tablets, still going to counselling once a week, still locked in my house most of the time. Afraid or apathetic to go out. Still have deep lows and extreme highs. My mind is all over the place and cannot settle at anything. I don't seem to have the same outlook anymore and don't recognise myself.

What the counselling has concentrated on is early childhood trauma or whether my family relationships are unhealthy (which they are not), but the real source of my problems has been the terror i experienced in stressful activities in my work life. The fact i could never let go of a unhealthy relationship no matter what, has been a problem for me.

Anyway, that's about it. Counselling would be excellent, if therapists took the time to identify and target the source of the problem. Otherwise it is like fixing a faulty engine, by mending the light bulbs.

Any more thoughts, would be grateful.


Stephen

 

[Nicolette]

Have you considered trying another therapist? From what I have learned about PTSD I understand it is crucial to your healing that you face your trauma.

 

[Stephen]

I am so tired Nicolette. I am so emotionally disrupted now that i don't even know what i'm saying half the time. My family relationships are good - i don't know why i said they were not.

I think my counsellor was attracted to me and i kind of played along with it for a while. I didn't want to lose her support. I am someone who never wants to let go off relationships. I have always prided myself as someone who would never walk away from anyone and to be honest it has cost me very dearly this attitude. But i cannot walk away. People push me away.

My counsellor is going to have cognitive therapy training soon, and she said that she is going to practice on me. I have been to see lots of specialists who have let me down when it comes to doing what they say they will do. I guess they have much more worthy patients.

So, its all pretty hopeless really. But at least i know i have all the conditions of post traumatic stress, so i guess all is not completely lost. If i can just get some help. I can't face my trauma because it is associated with my career which is now dead. There is nothing to face and it is difficult to start something new - cos my head is up and down like a yo yo.

sincerely,

Stephen

 

[nonabug5]

Stephen,
I have never quoted anyone in the forum, so I hope I am doing it right. Sorry if It does not turn our right.

I am concerned about your comment regarding your therapist being attracted to you. If it is on a personal level, then it is definitely out of bounds and that would be inappropriate and unhealthy for you to see her. The relationship must be a professional one or the therapeutic dynamics change as objectivity is lost. I also
am not sure that your therapist needs to be using you for practicing on. Your issues are not superficial and deserve an experienced therapist who is familiar and experienced with PTSD. You do not need to be a learning project for anyone and if that is the case, you most definitely need a new, experienced therapist, maybe one of the same gender as yourself.

I think my counsellor was attracted to me and i kind of played along with it for a while. I didn't want to lose her support. I am someone who never wants to let go off relationships. I have always prided myself as someone who would never walk away from anyone and to be honest it has cost me very dearly this attitude. But i cannot walk away. People push me away.

It is good that you try to be a loyal friend & not walk away from friends, but you should not be paying an emotional price for that loyalty. Because we suffer from PTSD, we are different from those who do not have serious trauma in their past.
We think differently because we have been exposed to a debilitating event in our lives. Like it or not, it is a part of our PTSD & we have to realize that our supposedly normal friends can not be expected to understand our emotional states and levels of anxiety. We have basic trust issues. We tend to be tenaciously loyal to our friends, because we try to be a good friend and expect the same in return. I have also had what I thought were true and loyal friends that bolted on me when I had a mental meltdown. I have come to think they push us away because they have no concept of what we are dealing with and the level of debilitation is has brought to our lives.

I am sure you have had friends ask why you can't just let go of your past, or it's over so you should put it behind you. I may be way off base, but in my own personal experience, I have found that only another who suffers with PTSD can fully understand PTSD.

It is incredibly hard for us to understand why those we care for back away from us.
I have found it is because they don't have a clue what we are dealing with as far as anxiety, social fears (like having a flashback or dissassociating in public), and being afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. ---That is why I am glad you are here.
The people in this forum are walking the same path as we are. Granted, not all of our situations are the same, but the fact that we are in great pain is our common denominator. We share that bond. You can share your story if and when you want to. You can test the waters here until you see for yourself that this site is moderated very well and it's okay if you are having a bad day and you just want to vent.

I hope I haven't been to pushy or invasive in this post. I would never presume to know everything about my own PTSD, much less anyone else's. I do know about flashbacks, anxiety, isolation, and hypervigilance. I have been seriously suicidal in the past and have done things I don't remember and am not proud of. I lost a wonderful job about 10 years ago that I loved because I had a mental meltdown when someone slammed a door at work. PTSD is unmerciful and relentless. It does not care who you are or how good a person you are. To me, it is pain on a much deeper level that physical pain. It is always there.

Keep coming to this forum. You are welcome here with all your bumps, bruises, insecurities and emotional pain. You are amoung others similar to yourself. I am glad you are here, it is a good place for support and comfort. At least we know on some level that we are not alone.

Take Care, Tracie

 

[Stephen]

Thank you for your kind words Tracie. They actually brought tears to my eyes. You are so right about how i am feeling and my circumstances.

Do you know anyone who actually got free of this "illness"? Is it possible to, or do you think that you just have to adjust your life around it?

Once its there - are you diabilitated for life? It has disabled me for the past 18 months and the money is running out and i wondered should i consider this a long term illness - or short term?

I've tried working online but my thinking is so shot i can't seem to get anywhere. Is manual work better for PTSD suffers? If anyone has any thoughts - i'd be grateful.

And just to say thank you again and that i know it is ultimately my responsibility for the decisions i take in life, so don't be worried about giving me any advice. Just say it from the heart.

Love & Light
Stephen

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

:hello: Welcome to the forum Stephen

 

[Mercy]

Dear Stephen,
I think that over time we can learn what our triggers are(just missed typed tigers-may be more accurate)and how to lower our reactions to them. Yes, adjust your life around PTSD.

The truth is that traumatic memory will always be with us. We don't 'get over it' A recent study on Pet scans and memory that I read in the New York Times showed that the memory storage synapses start to fire before the person is aware of having a memory. That meant to me that I cannot stop a flashback from coming on neither should I be ashamed of having them. It is normal for PTSD.

I'm sorry to tell you that PTSD is a long term disability and a chronic condition. After some good therapy and some time, many people have been able to go back to work, usually less stressful work. Your question about manual work vs ?office work I think has two answers. The job with the least triggers for you may be the best. And two, manual work is a great way to stay present because you are concentrating on what you are doing. I, personally, would avoid things like table saws and electric saws because we do have lapses in concentration that an be dangerous.

You ask great questions. The news is that endurance and being gentle with yourself will be needed over the long term. I'm sad for you that we can't wish PTSD away or dope it away or even therapy it away. But we can learn to live with it with courage and dignity, fully forgiving ourselves when we are full of symptoms and feeling overwhelmed.

We are here to support you in any way that writing, common experience, and empathy can:hello:.