How do I get through the day vs. how do I achieve anything?

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm having another rough day. I'm sorry I keep boring anyone with the same thing. I started meds, I started therapy. But today is a rough day. One setback and I'm snowballing. My therapist suspects I may have BPD, but that whole topic is under a pin until I get through this time anyways. Today is one of those days that started okay-ish and got really dark really fast. And for a moment it felt like suicide would be just such a relief, which is an awful thought. But everything has been so hard for so long, and really, how much more strength can I have?

Changing circumstance and very exact things in my life would really help me, but how do I keep strength to work on goals when days like today I can barely exist? How do I break down quarterly goals if I am starting to feel too hopeless to think that I can achieve them? I've been down this road for so long and I haven't achieved them. So what kind of arrogance is it to say I'll try again after 5 years of struggling with achieving a goal, for example? And then on days like today when all I can do is distract myself from dark thoughts, how do I even sustain working on goals? The main part of goals is motivation, but how can I be motivated to get better body, if I can't see how I'll make it to that future where I can have that? There was this soul-crushing setback today, and while it doesn't affect me today in particular, in might within the next week or so. And suddenly my head is a mess. And I wrote it down and realised that one thing I really want is to just... make chaos, snap. Like, everything in me is so out of control and uncomfortable, that I need to get comfort food or get a drink or nap or do something out of my schedule, because what I feel is really not aligning with a regular day with regular todo list. And I haven't developped too many bad coping skills, but one of them is definitely comfort food. And I can't...

There is so much in me, I am so tired of setbacks and trying and trying and trying. I need things to be easier, but the only way for that to happen will be for me to work on my goals, and the what do I do about days like today? How do I hold on? 90 days, or 30 days might as well be forever right now. I have this countdown where I check days off of this and next month, to show myself that somehow I got through it one day. But it's been 2 days and I'm already breaking and breathing deeply or talking to crisis lines feels worthless. Nothing I can say can change my life, or give me strength to change it myself. I'm exhausted. How do I find it in me to be bigger than this? How did my day get so messed up so fast? I don't have the money or time to snap, but I don't have the health not to. I'm sorry. I don't want to be writing this, I don't want to complain, I just. I don't know what else to do. This might be a time where I need to just keep going until meds and therapy start working, or to somehow pull strength out of thin air. I'm just...tired.

 

[blackemerald1]

This might be a time where I need to just keep going until meds and therapy start working, or to somehow pull strength out of thin air. I'm just...tired.

^When did you start meds and therapy? If it's only recently then you must give the meds time to get to therapeutic levels and that could be a few weeks. Therapy is a long haul process so obviously consistency and perseverance is essential.

SeekingAfrica - sorry but you are actually in the same boat that we all find ourselves. Some days we are chasing ourselves around, lacking motivation but needing to achieve things to keep our heads above the water line.

You've had your rant ^ and I'm sure most on this forum's members understand what you mean and how hard it is. I do. :hug:

I don't mean to sound harsh but sometimes you just have to push through all of that and do the work on your list or find an alternative way of coping.

Have you done any exercise today, been for a walk, eaten a decent meal... ticked off the self care regime.. given yourself adequate rest etc? Just walking away for a few hours and getting some fresh air can change the energy levels. You know what I mean?

 

[digger]

I'm sorry I keep boring anyone with the same thing

People have a choice about which threads they read or not, so I don't think that's something you need to worry about. I am wondering though, as you have been posting quite a lot recently, If you might find having a diary here on the forum helpful to you, or revisiting threads that you have already started rather than start a new one. Sometimes having things more in one place rather than spread out over several places, can be a really useful tool in recognising patterns and seeing what helped, or hasn't helped before. Maybe something to give some thought to?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

^When did you start meds and therapy?
SeekingAfrica - sorry but you are actually in the same boat that we all find ourselves. Some days we are chasing ourselves around, lacking motivation but needing to achieve things to keep our heads above the water line.

You've had your rant ^ and I'm sure most on this forum's members understand what you mean and how hard it is. I do. :hug:

I don't mean to sound harsh but sometimes you just have to push through all of that and do the work on your list or find an alternative way of coping.

Just walking away for a few hours and getting some fresh air can change the energy levels. You know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. I guess I got frustrated for the moment. Or lets be honest, the last 2 months really. I've been trying, but I've also been failing a lot, putting some effort and then... I dunno. Then falling apart. It's been somewhat of a pattern. Maybe I set myself too big goals given my health and then feel worse when they fail.

Yes, I know, I do know that we all go through this. That I either get to fall apart, or I take my moment, then get over myself and try again. Yes, therapy is new- well at least going weekly is. While I was doing better I had a monthly check in, but considering my state lately since last week it's weekly. Same with meds. I was on one, and it was going good until some added stress, so now I have second one added that I've been on for a week. I've just been finding it hard to hold on until all this starts to work.

And I know, I know at the worst moments we have to figure out how to be strong for ourselves. But I just... I broke today. I just couldn't. I'm still trying to figure out how to change that. I do appreciate what you said though, really. I know you're right, I just might need some time to digest it and figure out how I can move forward.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh @SeekingAfrica - please don't misunderstand me... I get no pleasure at all for being right. I wish I was wrong and there was a much easier way working around these impasse moments.

Most of all - don't be so hard on yourself. Life is already really hard, ptsd is already really hard so ease up on the guilt a little and take a break from it. Even twenty minutes away from it all and a brisk walk around the block is worthwhile.

Take care :hug: and I think diggers idea is worth thinking about too. :)

 

[desiderata310]

I have to agree with @digger ! I have also found that using my Trauma Diary as a TOOL to track how I am doing serves a couple of really useful purposes!
I can track how new meds impact me (times/dates/reactions) and it allows others to come to ONE place to help by responding. I've also found that you wind up with a sort of ... huddle of people who start reading your TD on a regular basis and become a support team of peers.
That's not to say that posting and reading in other parts of the forum is not useful but the diary can be an excellent tool in helping to manage things going forward!

 

[Cspray]

Hi seekingafrica, I think it's OK to struggle.. It's OK to do nothing for awhile.. Your resting your mind and body.
The fact now that you're restless.. Being hard on yourself... Try something different tomorrow. Even just a walk round the block.. Or in nature...
It's about changing your routine.. There's that old saying something like the meaning of insanity it's doing the same thing over and over again.
You will get there...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

"So that in 90 days I am not in that same exact situation. Or else is game over, and even after days as draining as today, I really don't want that. I'm just tired, I'm exhausted, I'm depleated. I don't know how I'll survive the next 2 weeks. Really, I can't see further than tomorrow. But those are emotions, not facts.

And the fact is, I am still alive.
And this is day 1. "

I started writing in the trauma diaries again as suggested, this is the end of the post, because it meant something to say that. For me at least. And apparently I needed to write. It felt good. It doesn't change much but it felt good. @digger thanks for the idea! Much appreciated.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hi seekingafrica, I think it's OK to struggle.. It's OK to do nothing for awhile.. Your resting your mind and body.
Try something different tomorrow. Even just a walk round the block.. Or in nature...It's about changing your routine..
You will get there...

Thanks for the encouragement, means a lot! I will do what I can. Comes and goes in waves, but seems I did manage today, so for the moment there is some relief in that fact. I will try to do better tomorrow...

 

[digger]

. @digger thanks for the idea! Much appreciated.

I hope it will be helpful for you :)

in 90 days I am not in that same exact situation. Or else is game over,

Do you mean 'game over' as in 'life over' with this statement, or something else?

Assuming the first, I get it, I really do - it can be a big part of the pattern of my suicidal thoughts and ideation to go with the "if things aren't better by X, or after Y, I can just kill myself" thing. Sometimes it can feel like be a bit of motivator, other times it can feel like a bit of a security blanket I suppose. I would caution though that it's really important to try and keep some objectivity and reality about it. It is not a healthy or safe way of approaching life.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I guess I did mean it in life over way. I've been feeling like that a lot later, so this sentence was meant to be a motivator. But I do understand how it can become unhealthy really quickly. I really haven't been much healthy lately truthfully. But I want to be. And hey, 90 days is a long time. By then the new meds might start helping, and a zillion things can happen.

For what it's worth writing this gave me back that feeling of wanting to be alive. For today at least...for the rest, well, I'm getting as much help as I can get right now.
Thanks for the caution warning, that is indeed important to remember.

 

[digger]

90 days is a long time.

I guess that depends what you're measuring it against and what you want to achieve in that time. I know you're trying to use it as a motivator, and I'm glad that it's helped you feel a bit more motivated today, but the reality of it is that you are saying you are giving yourself 90 days to earn yourself a reprieve from a death sentence. Would you give anyone else an ultimatum that severe?

A lot can indeed change in 90 days, but then sometimes only the tiniest of changes might happen in that timeframe too. Do you have an idea of what you want things to look like in 90 days? What changes do you want to have happened? You don't need to answer here if you don't want, but I think it's worth giving some thought to. Are your expectations of where you want to be realistic?

I hope you don't feel like I'm picking at you over this, like I said, it's a place I'm very familiar with myself, but I also think it's something that it's important to challenge ourselves on.

Goals can be really helpful, but I guess I'd just like to encourage you to try and pick a gentler one for yourself. Dangling suicide as a carrot (or even using it as a stick) can feel like a kindness at times, but feelings aren't always facts x