I have been diagnosed with combat PTSD and MST (Military Sexual Trauma) from the government, so I do know I have PTSD on some level. I've been seeking help with a therapist for a while now. Yet I'm still confused if what has been happening to me lately is a result of my PTSD, or if perhaps I'm just crazy or impaired in some way. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and I've had a hard time articulating myself to my therapist, so I thought I might be able to voice my concern here--anonymously and without judgement.
Here's my issue: What happened to me happened 11 years ago. To be blunt and save time, I'll be short: I was sexually assaulted by a guy in my unit, reported it to the military, the command didn't believe me and covered it up, I had to work beside my rapist for a few months, and then I chose to deploy with the initial invasion into Iraq to get away from him (because he wasn't deploying). Iraq was Iraq, I was shot at and mortared a few times, but it was nothing as bad as many soldiers suffer, so I have a hard time accepting that I even qualify for combat PTSD. Compared to most, my time in Iraq wasn't all that bad--the worst was just the fear of the mortars and IEDs, which I luckily never was hit by. I did lose a friend there, but it wasn't like I was there when it happened and saw it, so I don't see why that would effect me so.
All that said, I seemed to be fine for several years. Then about three years ago I started developing symptoms, but they were manageable. Sleeping has always been an issue for me but nothing meds can't cure. But then in the last year, I've just fallen apart. Constant, relentless anxiety, depression, inability to see a future, morbid thoughts--there were times I just popped pills so I could sleep to get away from it all. I was suffocating, I couldn't go on like that, and the fear that I will slip back into that black place is all consuming. I stopped working full time and saw a significant benefit and increase in my stability and sanity.
But now that I'm back to work again, I seem to be falling apart. I have these overwhelming waves of emotions and I can't pin point why. After work and I get into the car, I just sob for no particular reason. If anything happens that spikes my emotions (such as even a small bicker or quarrel with my husband), I end up curled in a ball crying for hours. But I can't understand WHY! It's been YEARS. Shouldn't I be over it? Shouldn't I be better? So many people have such worse situations and conditions than me, so I feel insignificant and undeserving. It's not like I haven't had therapy. I shouldn't be getting worse.
But my major fear is this: perhaps I'm using my PTSD as a crutch. Maybe on some level I just don't like working or something. I'm so afraid that these horrible emotional waves are just something I created, like I was always destined to be crazy, and PTSD is just a convenient cover-up. I don't want to take any money I don't deserve (I have a disability rating and compensation) yet I can't take this mental instability when I work full time.
So how do I know if its really PTSD? Or am I just lazy on some level? I worked SO hard in school, and did so well (I graduated top of my class and with distinguished honors) and yet I can't use my degree because work/stress just unravels me. How was I so fine in school, but such a mess in the work field? I seemed fine doing part time jobs.
Does anyone else have these feelings of being overwhelmed, of an inability to process their emotions? Like little things set you off into anxiety, depression, or even rage? Like it all hits you at once and beats you over the head until you crumble? Is that PTSD, or am I just weak and crazy?
Here's my issue: What happened to me happened 11 years ago. To be blunt and save time, I'll be short: I was sexually assaulted by a guy in my unit, reported it to the military, the command didn't believe me and covered it up, I had to work beside my rapist for a few months, and then I chose to deploy with the initial invasion into Iraq to get away from him (because he wasn't deploying). Iraq was Iraq, I was shot at and mortared a few times, but it was nothing as bad as many soldiers suffer, so I have a hard time accepting that I even qualify for combat PTSD. Compared to most, my time in Iraq wasn't all that bad--the worst was just the fear of the mortars and IEDs, which I luckily never was hit by. I did lose a friend there, but it wasn't like I was there when it happened and saw it, so I don't see why that would effect me so.
All that said, I seemed to be fine for several years. Then about three years ago I started developing symptoms, but they were manageable. Sleeping has always been an issue for me but nothing meds can't cure. But then in the last year, I've just fallen apart. Constant, relentless anxiety, depression, inability to see a future, morbid thoughts--there were times I just popped pills so I could sleep to get away from it all. I was suffocating, I couldn't go on like that, and the fear that I will slip back into that black place is all consuming. I stopped working full time and saw a significant benefit and increase in my stability and sanity.
But now that I'm back to work again, I seem to be falling apart. I have these overwhelming waves of emotions and I can't pin point why. After work and I get into the car, I just sob for no particular reason. If anything happens that spikes my emotions (such as even a small bicker or quarrel with my husband), I end up curled in a ball crying for hours. But I can't understand WHY! It's been YEARS. Shouldn't I be over it? Shouldn't I be better? So many people have such worse situations and conditions than me, so I feel insignificant and undeserving. It's not like I haven't had therapy. I shouldn't be getting worse.
But my major fear is this: perhaps I'm using my PTSD as a crutch. Maybe on some level I just don't like working or something. I'm so afraid that these horrible emotional waves are just something I created, like I was always destined to be crazy, and PTSD is just a convenient cover-up. I don't want to take any money I don't deserve (I have a disability rating and compensation) yet I can't take this mental instability when I work full time.
So how do I know if its really PTSD? Or am I just lazy on some level? I worked SO hard in school, and did so well (I graduated top of my class and with distinguished honors) and yet I can't use my degree because work/stress just unravels me. How was I so fine in school, but such a mess in the work field? I seemed fine doing part time jobs.
Does anyone else have these feelings of being overwhelmed, of an inability to process their emotions? Like little things set you off into anxiety, depression, or even rage? Like it all hits you at once and beats you over the head until you crumble? Is that PTSD, or am I just weak and crazy?
