How Do I Know If Its Ptsd, Or Am I Just Crazy?

[Fereshte]

Three years now and I still spend most of my time thinking I am weak, crazy, lazy, stupid, a fabricator, hypochondriac, lair etc. Oh and "fine". :confused:

This is exactly how I feel! It actually feels good to know that I'm not the only one. And a big yes to the hypochondria. That hit me out of left field and I couldn't figure out how in the world that connected to PTSD. I get it bad sometimes and could never figure out how one connected to the other. It's comforting to know that someone else with PTSD has experienced hypochondria, because really, doesn't it seem an odd symptom to have?

Thank you all for your kind and comforting words. I had never been on this forum before but I can see how much it helps to talk to others who know what I'm going through. Especially when it comes to feelings of inadequacy and work.

And I totally get what you're saying, DMS. I try to hide my symptoms from my husband as much as possible. I break down either away from him or go in another room and cry quietly. I have this fear that if he knew how messed up I am, he'll leave me. I also hate that we struggle with money because I feel like I'm not pulling my share of the financial burden (even though he doesn't pay any of my bills. I won't let him. And I always pay my share of the mortgage). But whenever he says he's going to get a second job, or he jokes about putting the house on the market, its like a shard goes through my heart. I'm use to being so financially independent, and I'm trying to work so I can pay bills, and I just don't know what to do.

If I don't work, I can't pay my share and I feel like a sh*tbag, dead weight, a burden. I can't bear that feeling; I'm way too independent (I'm an Army girl, after all). But at the same time, while working to pay my share, I'm breaking down--its a beautiful Saturday out and all I can do is cry and feel like every bit of life has been sucked out of me.

I'm at an impasse and all my options suck. I don't know what to do.

 

[Kintsugi]

I started therapy just before I turned thirteen and got my diagnosis when I was fourteen. I honestly think that while therapy helps, with trauma it also makes things seem worse in the short term a lot, because dealing with trauma is really difficult and brings up things you repressed to survive.

I am now twenty-two and I still have a long way to go with myself (although I have come far). I've had PTSD symptoms all my life, so I never had a "normal" pre-trauma life to refer to, and indeed I thought either I was crazy or everyone felt like me but managed it better until I started really accepting that I had a disorder, and my behaviors had medical names and were symptomatic. I found reading about PTSD extensively very helpful, because it states my experiences broadly and I feel validated by that research.

Anywho, the hardest part of my recovery has been people observing improvements of mine and then seeing me set back by something. Many who are confused by my stop-and-go achievements get angry with me, like I should be better and was better so I did something wrong to bring this beast back. That's not what actually happens to me internally. Internally I know there are accomplishments but I feel the lurking obstacles behind those things, feel my battle with them, know that they are present but simmering. Then something happens and I flag in battle.

I'm fighting invisible monsters and others just see me effing around with a sword in an empty field. They want me to put down the sword for good, but they can't see the demons I face. So when they see me wounded they put it down to self-infliction. And when I see no demons, I keep my sword ready anyway, because I know they lurk in wait.

It sounds to me like you were ambushed by things you thought were slain when they were put to sleep.

Please excuse my metaphorical headspace. I'm doing battle myself.

 

[dms]

I'm sorry. It's not our fault that we have PTSD. I just woke up from a long nap and I feel so much better now.

 

[stuff]

I have these overwhelming waves of emotions and I can't pin point why. After work and I get into the car, I just sob for no particular reason. If anything happens that spikes my emotions (such as even a small bicker or quarrel with my husband), I end up curled in a ball crying for hours.

This sounds pretty much exactly like my life, and why I am struggling/attempting to become self employed.

 

[aka]

Does anyone else have these feelings of being overwhelmed, of an inability to process their emotions? Like little things set you off into anxiety, depression, or even rage? Like it all hits you at once and beats you over the head until you crumble? Is that PTSD, or am I just weak and crazy?

Defiantly PTSD since I have been doing the same thing lately. I have been "mentally" kicking myself for not being the enthusiastic and bubbly person companies want to hire. I have had many interviews since getting out of school this May. Only have had one job offer which I turn down because I could not find a place to rent that would allow my dog. I sometimes tell myself that I am weak because I can't live without my dog but I do know it was the right decision. Still sucks having no job with student loans needing to paid off.

It sounds to me like you were ambushed by things you thought were slain when they were put to sleep.

This seems to happen to me a lot. I think I have gotten over a particular memory then boom it comes back with a vengeance. I think it has a lot to do with that I dissociated most of the time when it took place. I am pretty sure that the memory and the emotion attached to it are stored separately in my brain. Which explains why I can remember it with no emotion and other times the emotion is overwhelming.

I'm sorry. It's not our fault that we have PTSD.

This is something I wish more people would understand!!!!!

 

[Abstract]

experienced hypochondria

I actually am not very prone to hypochondria Fereshte. But I tend to label any of my PTSD struggles as hypochondria. That I am making it up and exaggerating. Actually I am more prone in general to disconnection than over vigilance about body health.

I do think anxiety can be all pervasive though and essentially hypochondria is when someone puts their other fears and feelings onto their body. Converts it into health fears. Not surprising for someone with PTSD to have any type of fear as essentially your body is stuck in fight and flight mode and your brain thinks you are in danger all the time.

Glad it helped to hear others experiences. :) It helped and helps me enormously.

Oh and the wheels only fell off completely when I was about 41/42. Thirty odd years after the first significant incident I know happened and much longer than the earliest ones I possibly had. And I think different life events and states of mind brings with it a possible waxing and waning of symptoms. But dealing with the actual trauma and improving coping skills is supposed to help a lot.

 

[Forgetful]

Three years now and I still spend most of my time thinking I am weak, crazy, lazy, stupid, a fabricator, hypochondriac, lair etc. Oh and "fine". :confused:

I feel exactly the same, but I would add fraud.

My husband has been calling me all of the above. He keeps telling me to just get over it. The trauma happened 30+ years ago. He keeps saying that is all in my head. It must be because he knows many people who suffered situations far worse than mine and they're OK. Just stop dwelling on it.

His favorite saying its all mind over matter. To which I respond with I have no mind so it doesn't matter.

Glad that others have felt the same. I was starting to believe him.

 

[Susan B]

PTSD knows no time limit and can actually worsen if left untreated over time. This is your unconscious mind trying to helpfully prod you into healing. YES, it is PTSD. YES, you can heal.

 

[Forgetful]

Thank you Susan. Sometimes I need to hear someone else's thoughts. I hear his remarks so often its hard not to listen.

 

[TimidZiggy]

Wow I'm so glad other people think this way as well. I constantly think I am just going insane. Even after reading about the disorder and agreeing it fits me and getting a diagnosis I still think there must be something wrong mostly because I think I lie to myself about how bad things were as a child. Then again my parents were very abusive and always insisted that anything bad they did I was "making up" because I "wanted to be an abuse victim" so my brain has this constantly need to check itself which led to OCD. I also didn't know PTSD symptoms could wax and wane like that cause for years I was fine and then I had some kind of crash (like I am now). Glad to hear I'm not alone and neither is anyone here. We are all in this together which is a good thing.