How Do I Let Him In?

[Emily The Strange]

Recently I have been distancing myself from my boyfriend in an attempt to keep all my feelings at bay.
I've been struggling with my anxiety and my mood is plummeting. I want to be alone and hide from the world but I know that it's not healthy and will lead to something serious. I need to let him in to stop the process. I need to let him in to save myself, to prove to myself that I'm worth loving and I'm wanted on this earth.
The problem is that I have never let anyone in. Especially him. Not when it comes to anything serious anyways. I don't want our relationship to change, I don't want it tarnished or defined by my mental health. But I want to drag myself out of this and I want him to know, I need him to know.

I'm afraid to let him in. I'm afraid what will happen if I don't. It's an internal battle day and night.
How do I learn to let him in? How do let it change our relationship? Does it have to change?
What if he can't handle it? What if his opinion of me changes?
My head is spinning! !

 

[shimmerz]

My head is spinning! !

I understand this feeling. I feel like I am going downright crazy when my head spins and for just the reasons you are putting across in your posting.

I am not certain if I can deal with one more rejection before I completely shatter.

I'm afraid to let him in. I'm afraid what will happen if I don't. It's an internal battle day and night.
How do I learn to let him in? How do let it change our relationship? Does it have to change?
What if he can't handle it? What if his opinion of me changes?

I can so relate to this. I have never been able to put it into words like you have though. I definitely don't have the answers for this as I am still working through it all myself.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling? I wonder if he were to know that he could assure you in some way. I am not certain how, but my supporter has given me, by and large, a firm grounding in this most times. It has been SO helpful for my healing.

 

[Sideways]

Wild, possibly really bad idea...

What if you wrote out exactly that post, just as it is, and gave it to him and said, "this will take some time, but I'd really like you to stick around"...

 

[Emily The Strange]

Very wild and seemingly dangerous idea but not necessarily a bad idea.
Would take alot of courage that I may not possess.
But definitely something to think about.