How Do Others Deal With Needing Reassurance And Validation?

[ButterflyBean]

Edited to add: This is not the first time I've felt unsupported, and some people might give me grief for what I'm about to say, but I feel the need to get something off my chest. Judging by the lack of responses, I must say that I am really in need of support right now. I know I don't post often, but I don't get much feedback (if any) when I do, so why should I? I am not using my disability as an excuse for not reaching out more, but I can tell you that in this moment I've used all of my normal resources. I thought I would feel less alone by reaching out, but yet I feel more alone; a confirmation, that is all.

That being said, without going into detail, let's just say the last six months have been full of unexpected stressors! In a nut shell, my mom and I both experienced medical crises, I had a very close friend pass away at the end of July, and the second anniversary of another close friend in August, not to mention the every day stuff I have to deal with concerning my disability. All of these factors have made for a very different therapeutic journey then in the past. I am doing EMDR with a provider other than my therapist on a monthly basis. I find processing the most helpful because I am able to get in touch with my feelings, and my therapist and I can work on specific issues before my next session. I also use an online therapy messaging service called Talkspace just to touch base with someone between sessions. I don't have a very strong support system outside of mental health professionals, including a psychiatrist, but the friends I do have are very supportive and encouraging!

Also, please keep in mind that I do not have DID, and I can't write or draw because of my physical limitations. The only symptom of PTSD I did not have before now was dissociation, but that has changed over the last four months or so. It's not my worst symptom, but it is there. I do have grounding techniques, and quite honestly, it is impossible to avoid my most prominent triggers because they have to do with my disability and physical health. I hope the background here is/was helpful, and I appreciate any suggestions and/or feedback!

Now for my situation/question. My therapist and I have been working on inner-child issues for months now, and my younger self needs a lot of physical contact/reassurance because they were missing when I was little. I know my therapist can't provide everything I need in that respect, and the knowledge made for a pivotal session last week, which will result in an equally difficult conversation when I see her on Wednesday. She's OK with giving hugs and holding my hand when I get overwhelmed with feelings and can't speak, which is a good possibility right now. To help with that, I made popsicle sticks with different color circles that have feelings on them. The popsicle sticks have really helped, but the problem is I don't know what she can say to reassure my adult/younger self without triggering me. Statements like "everything is going to be okay/fine" are not good because of how they represent a large part of my trauma. Even phrases like "you're safe right now" bother me because I don't actually feel safe in the moment. I've asked her to tell me that she is not going anywhere and is with me, but because my younger self feels abandoned and doesn't understand, I don't even find that comforting most times. My therapist is great at being patient and has continuously given me permission to release my feelings, but my younger self is so afraid of being hurt and such that she/I have not been able to cry in a very long time, even though I would give anything to have that type of relief!

I guess I'm wondering what my therapist can say to provide reassurance? What works for you when you're not feeling safe or having a similar experience, if anything?

 

[joeylittle]

Even phrases like "you're safe right now" bother me because I don't actually feel safe in the moment.

I've been thinking about this a lot today.

Recently, I got into it with my therapist about how he was handling me during crisis calls, and that I was having a hard time staying focused during them because he was going directly to telling me that what I was afraid of wasn't really happening. When we first started dealing with these bouts of disorientation/extended intrusive memory stuff, he would always remind me what year it was, that it wasn't 197x, it was 2013, (14, 15) and that I wasn't where I thought I was. He would also say 'you're safe now'.

I remember when 'you're safe now' also felt like a blatant disregard of my flashback-reality. I wasn't safe, I was the farthest thing from safe. But, after confronting those facts a few times - what year it was, where I was, and that I was safe from my attackers - I'd be able to reconcile my fear with the actual reality of the moment, and realize that I was, actually, safe.

I think my suggestion to you is that you allow yourself to welcome the uncomfortable feeling that phrase brings up, because it is exactly that cognitive dissonance that you need to be working on.

I don't know what she can say to reassure my adult/younger self without triggering me... My therapist is great at being patient and has continuously given me permission to release my feelings, but my younger self is so afraid of being hurt and such that she/I have not been able to cry in a very long time, even though I would give anything to have that type of relief!

I think that you and she might be mixing two processes up. Ultimately, the person who needs to be able to reassure your younger self is you - not her. There's a process in Gestalt therapy called 're-parenting', and it's relevant to anyone who grew up without parental love/support/structure. Essentially, you work to be present both as the child you were and the adult you are, allowing the adult you are to provide compassion to your memory of yourself as a child.

(Of course, this doesn't relate for people with DID, but you said that's not your issue).

So: you are wanting someone to re-parent you, ideally your therapist, except there are boundaries there and you do know that ultimately she can't be everything you need. I think that if you've been working on this for awhile, it could be helpful for you/she to start to engage YOU as the main protector and source of comfort. Basically, transference can only go so far, and I suspect you and she might have found the limit.

I guess I'm wondering what my therapist can say to provide reassurance? What works for you when you're not feeling safe or having a similar experience, if anything?

What I know helps me most is to be brought back to who I am now, in the present. You have plenty of solid examples of structure in your life now (great job with all that, by the way - your whole support structure sounds very thorough) - so, you have plenty of examples of ways in which you are no longer being abandoned. This doesn't negate what you experienced as a child, but it does challenge the core beliefs you have from that time.

Do you ever wonder if things are too stuck on taking your inner child to therapy, instead of yourself? That's the other thing I wondered, reading your post. That maybe the real answer is to head back towards your here and now.

Just thoughts.

 

[scout86]

That seems like a difficult and complicated question (but a good one). Probably there's a lot of individual difference in "what works", but you asked for other people's experiences, so here goes.

To begin with, my T has never told me I'm "safe" or anything else. Which is how we've avoided the whole "I'm safe but I don't FEE:L safe" thing. Early on, he mentioned that the reactions that go with PTSD probably made more sense back when there really WAS a saber toothed tiger behind every bush. Somehow, that stuck and the presence or absence of "tigers" has become something of a code for PTSD related stuff. So, once or twice, apparently out of nowhere, he's said, "The tiger is gone!". The first time, that led to me worrying about HIM because I was afraid he meant that the world was a safe place and that's pretty stupid and a good way to get hurt.... He said he KNOWS the world isn't safe, his point was there was no point in running from a tiger who was taking a nap.

I guess the point of all that is, we have a way to communicate "I get that something's bothering you, but have you considered that in might not be an active threat?" and doesn't also say "What you're feeling is WRONG." That's been useful.

On the whole "reassurance, validation, re-parenting" thing..... He and I haven't talked about this. My official position on the subject is that I don't need any of that. Oh, some small part of me thinks it would be nice, for sure. And, I appreciate it when it's offered. But, I guess I grew up believing it was a bad idea to "need" something I probably couldn't get. So I don't need it. Period. I get by without reassurance because I have an insane amount of faith in my own ability to endure and survive. I get by without validation because I believe what I believe, even if I'm wrong, and I don't let myself need anyone else to tell me what I already know. "Re-parenting"? I'm not sure I even believe that's a real thing. My goal in that regard is to try to figure out what skills I need now that I didn't learn when I should have, and what do I have to do to fill in the gaps. It's too late to "do it right the first time", and I'm not a child any more. I've got more going for me now than I did then, I'm a different person than I was then. Basically, when in doubt, I remind myself there's a difference between "needing" something and "wanting" it. I "need" oxygen. I might like "reassurance".

Did I mention that I get told I "have a bad attitude" a lot? LOL

 

[ButterflyBean]

Thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I just found my inner child a few months ago, and she really needs to experience the feelings she never had the chance to before now. As far as the transference thing is concerned, I try not to reach or exceed that point with extreme diligence because that's what ultimately ended the relationship with my last therapist. I'm constantly asking myself what the cost is though because I have a tendency to keep boundaries that are too tight, not allowing myself to fully experience support when it is readily available and appropriate. @scout86 is right; I am at a complicated, yet critical and necessary point in therapy right now, but I think it comes down to vulnerability. Thanks for giving me some things to think about. You know, I must admit that there is a spiritual component to this weird internal conflict as well.

Oh and @joeylittle, I do have a protector in EMDR, but I am finding that I can't reassure myself, regardless of age, and have my feelings simultaneously yet. I told my therapist last week, and her response was that I will be able to do both when I feel strong enough.

 

[Laurie2001]

I personally am not in a place where I can reassure my inner child and it makes me crazy when people ask me too. Because when I'm feeling like things are dangerous - emotional flashback what ever it is, I am that child and any denial of my experience feels horrible. I need validation and comfort and someone to be there with me - that is in therapy. And she is. It doesn't take away the pain, but I'm not alone with it the way I was then. I can't take her home with me, she's not my parent. But I can use that comfort in my imagination at times and it helps. I have a fantasy of her coming to my house when things were bad, saying it was unacceptable and taking her home with me. Its just a fantasy, but its very comforting.

Anyway, I don't know what specific thing would make you feel better but maybe just having her say "I'm here with you now". Or reflecting, recognizing, validating that your feelings make sense. Knowing she really hears you or gets it. My T will also make me look at her face and eyes so that I see she means what she says.

Its all so hard isn't it?

 

[Laurie2001]

I personally am not in a place where I can reassure my inner child and it makes me crazy when people...

Just a quick correction - in my imagination - she is taking me to her home when I was a child. Although I suppose I'm taking her home with me now too inside :) Took awhile just to be able to feel that. I use to constantly text her and ask if she hated me, etc. Just needed constant reassurance that she was still there really.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I find that I have a hard time seeing posts on here because I forget to look past the single most recent one that is posted at the top. Today, I looked for other posts and found yours. So that could be one reason some people didn't respond. Another might be that this is a tough question/topic.

When I was just inpatient recently, there wasn't much anyone there could say that would help me feel reassured. Most of the use terms like "safe places" (for my DID parts) and that I was in a safe place (meaning the unit) and the ever popular "you are safe right now". Those didn't help and I was very clear that I don't believe anything is safe. So eventually they started reassuring me that I was in a safer place and pointing out to me the facts such as no one had actually hurt me there, the people who hurt me weren't there, etc. The term safer helps reassure me.

Another thing I learned there that really helps my younger parts (and I know it's slightly different because I have parts and you have an inner child, but it might help). At the facility I was at they recommended learning to guided imagery through healing pool or healing light. I HATED anything imagery related up until the day a staff member used healing light with me to soothe the many body memories that I was having. I worked diligently and created my own healing light script that helps my younger parts to feel soothed. I have to get it recorded because it's really hard to read it to myself when I am very triggered. However, it does work especially well at night when my younger parts are triggered and I am not. The staff really liked my script because it was personal and inclusive of the parts. My therapist there even suggested that I might get my therapist here to read it and I could record it if that felt more reassuring. I am going to try recording myself first since I have gotten fairly good at it.

And sometimes I do things that aren't necessarily reassuring, but kind of fall into that reliving childhood realm I guess. I will read children's books to parts, let them color Disney pictures, bounce a ball, swing on the swing, etc. I have to stay in control, but they can be there with me experiencing it.

As for what my therapist can say, it's usually something along the lines of "it's understandable you feel this way", "it's not your fault", "you are lovable", and "we will get through these tough times" (though that last one isn't always believed). I hope some of that helps a little.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am in my 60s now in age and so I find that for the most part, what others think of me does not matter. It is what God thinks of me that counts! How do I know what He thinks of me? Well, here is a quote that I find handy: "Faith is remembering I'm God's priceless treasure when I feel utterly worthless." Pamela Reeve
Also, there are a lot of verses in the Bible that tell us what God thinks of us, many of which are in the Psalms.