Relationship How Do We Know When Suffers Start Using Their Trauma As An Excuse To Avoid Blame?

[Meadowsweet]

Johnjohn, if your wife has left you and doesn't want to reconcile the relationship, perhaps the best thing would be to allow her that freedom of choice and do what is best for your daughter.

i may be wrong, but you seem to be almost suggesting that if your wife doesn't love you, you will remove your daughter and start over. do you mean you wouldn't let your wife see her daughter?

 

[JohnJohn]

No, I believe they both need and love each other. No matter how upset the situation makes me, I would not keep them apart. I don't believe my wife understands everything right now, but I don't want her to want us just to make her life easier and simplistic because I pull so much weight.

I am not a quid pro quo kind of guy, but I am definitely running on fumes.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think John that some things brought up from the past are not necessarily ptsd- related issues, but can be unresolved ones, or betrayals (or perceived betrayals) of trust, or lack of caring, unresolved, and can originate from either side.

I think many ptsd sufferers don't blindly leave in a selfish pursuit of their own healing or even survival, but absence of reconcilliation, and subsequent numbness, or by then truly (unfortunately) don't feel like they care any more.

 

[JohnJohn]

Junebug,

I believe you are right on the percieved betrayals aspect here. She mentioned things from years ago where she percieved I "didn't respect her feelings" when we had past misunderstandings. Unfortunately I felt the issue was resolved, when in her mind it was not. She just did not push the objection, so I consequantly believed the issue was resolved and that we were both satisfied. During the recent joint therapy session she was clear the issue went on in her mind, she unfortunately did not continue to verbalize her objection.

This lack of communication on her part is in my opinion due to her previous domestic trauma. She told me that he use to physically and mentally abuse her to get his way and maintain control. I feel as though she does not communicate well with me because she learned a long time ago to avoid conflict of any kind in order to survive.

None of her friends and coworkers would remotely believe for one second that she would be so reluctant to communicat her position. I felt the same way too. She is very aggressive and confrontational in her work, where we met. Unfortunately her assertiveness is not the same with me personally and our ability to mutually communicate is very poor. I felt that she would just sit there and listen to me and no matter how hard I tried she would not give me any input.

While I know and understand this issue is very complex, all I can do is do the best I can while taking care of my two girls (wife and daughter). I will support my wife as long as I can, but like was said earlier, I can not compell her to seek change and her life is her own. We must both live and do the best we can. I only wait for her to decide her path, but know if she fails to choose I must go on without her for myself to live the best life I can.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi John, yes I am sure you know her best, as well as her triggers, and it is very complex. And I believe she would do everything to avoid conflict. And yes, not communicating.

She may have decided in the past, to 'forgive you' for what she felt was not respecting her feelings (as opposed to seeing herself as being in the wrong, or also being in the wrong, as in also responsible). Or she may be looking at in differently in hindsight.Or she may be in a lot of pain, or any combination of all of the above.

I agree, you must take care of your daughter first, as well as yourself. And you deserve that.

She may have 'left' already. The bad thing with ptsd, is oftentimes people with it decide to blame themselves inordinately, and then it becomes just painful, the answer to the pain being getting away from it, and the 'reward' being no pain, or blame. Or even just numbness. Much 'blaming you' may relate to her own guilt.

Because you are a family, I hope you can get counselling and reconcile. It justs sounds to me from what you've expressed that both of you are feeling this is insurmountable.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Johnjohn, I think you have said previously that you think your wife has PTSD, but that she doesn't agree with this and she hasn't had a diagnosis from a professional.

The advice that you're getting here is about ptsd. But ofcourse, if your wife doesn't have ptsd, then it might not be helpful in resolving the problems in your relationship.

You are making the assumption that your wife isn't in control of her thoughts and doesn't understand everything that is going on right now. This kind of thinking validates the saviour role, because it renders your wife as incapable or as a 'girl' that is needy of your care.

These views do suggest that you are seeing your wife in a dependent or weaker role to you. If she doesn't want that, it could be quite unhealthy.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you for your input and perspective. Live long and prosper (sorry could resist).

:D

Ms Spock,

My wife did move out and it feels as though she is drifting away from our relationship. I feel you may have a point with her initially choosing a relationship with me for my "savior" qualities. My therapist called my nature a "hero" type, always trying to save the day.

Ah well. You were brave to go to therapy.

She is now directing all the blame of our problems on me, bringing up past issues (years old). I feel she is so angry because she is not in control of her thoughts. Isolating herself from me attempts to silence the negative emotions she has fixated on and has learned from her past abuse.

It is so hard. I feel for you both. But you can't keep paying for her ptsd.

I deserve to live as much as she does and my ability to love and trust her errodes each day. Every relationship has problems, its how we work on relationships together that decides the strength and outcome of that bond. I believe in family first, unfortunately when issues appear in some peoples lives they can disfunctionally withdraw from things in order to focus on their survival alone.

And that is an awful place to be - to be isolating to survive (been there and done that, which is why I decided to never have children,) and being the one trying so hard to make it work with all your might. (I was in that role in my last relationship, that is two years of my life I will never get back.)

I have my faults and plan to go to therapy not only for my wife, but myself during these tough times. I know at some point my daughter and I must leave the family we had and perhaps start over. I know my wife loves our daughter, now I just wait to see what else she loves.

You and your daughter are a family now. If you wife continues to have contact with your daughter that is great. Age appropriate explanations with the "If you mother didn't have contact with you, it isn't you, but your mother is sick type" of conversation, could, in some circumstances be a good thing to slip in there so if her
mother is absent for awhile she can have a framework to base it on.

I would imagine that your wife does love you but is unable to give that to you at this time, or maybe at any time. Lots of modelling best practice for your daughter as you take good care of your self, start friendship networks out side the ptsd and activities and hobbies that enlarge your and her worlds.

I am sorry, it is so painful to love someone who doesn't know how to take in the good stuff or is so in her ptsd that nothing from "now" is real, only the ptsd events are real.

You can't base whether you are "loveable" on whether your wife remains or stays as she isn't in a logical or stable or any type of space. You have to find yourself loveable and give your self that love and you daughter, once again, will receive much from watching you doing best practice for yourself in self care.

I know you are in a state of flux, and I know you don't know what will happen in the future, but it could be good for you and your daughter to start some routines which continue whether or not your wife is there. You and your daughter are loveable, whether or not your wife is there with you two.

Thank you for your perspective and thoughts. Live long and prosper (sorry Ms Spock I couldn't resist).

\\// Live Long and Prosper! JohnJohn! It was agreeable to read you.

 

[ms spock]

I am not sure how old your daughter is but if you can do one week on with your daughter and one week off so your wife has her - it would be good if you two moved in and out of the home. In my last relationship I saw the one week on and one week off and the effects and stress that had on the offspring. Just a random thought.

Those blended families are tricky to manage as your daughter most probably have her family with you and her family with her mother as well. If either of you got new partners in the future it will add other layers of complexity to the situation. So the simple routines of spending time together, doing something simple like walking the dog can be quite grounding.

I don't know if my suggestions are at all helpful if your wife doesn't have ptsd.
Good luck!
\\//