By not being attached to the outcome.
The outcome is not about life or death - it is simply the way things go.
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How do you be honest and assertive and not manipulative?
- Post starter ms spock
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The outcome is not about life or death - it is simply the way things go.
being assertive to someone that needs it comes to me about as easily as gravity does.
It is Much tougher when it is a passive aggressive person that will apologize for trespassing my boundaries and then go to everyone and anyone that will listen with stories about my intolerance or otherwise unacceptable behavior. These people are out there, everywhere, and stepping on one of them can set off the whole minefield all at once.
If I am being honest and truthful and not manipulative, just trying to be sure that everyone knows that I expect to get back what I give out, everything should be OK, right?
Sorry, no. Persons are smart, but people are stupid and unpredictable. The longer a herd of them co exist in a confined space like an office or a business or a small town or an internet forum, the more they set up groups of like minded people that call themselves friends.
Fine when it is a bunch of people that like to go running together or like to talk cars or like to discuss their common hobbies or their common life situations or whatever. But when there are groups that form because they like to gossip or band together to manipulate others, the minefield starts to grow. Be assertive when one of these people crosses you and you become the very thing they need to stay in their social group- an enemy, an outsider, a person to discuss. That first mine goes off and overnight, they are all exploding together and your life changes- at least where it intersects with theirs.
I try to spot them, I try to figure out where being assertive will be a positive thing for both me and the person in danger of crossing a border and where being assertive not only won't work but will bring out the aggressive side of a passive aggressive. "Good fences make good neighbors" is a great metaphore, and so is "don't throw dog shit over the fence".
When I spot a group or an individual with gossip or manipulation on their agenda, I set up a fence of indifference and hope the fence works. I just wish I was better at ignoring the dog shit that sometimes comes over the top. planting a nice border of flowers or roses along the fence helps, when I look their way I see flowers and fertilizer, when they look my way they see a fence with better landscaping on my side than theirs.
I hope.
It is Much tougher when it is a passive aggressive person that will apologize for trespassing my boundaries and then go to everyone and anyone that will listen with stories about my intolerance or otherwise unacceptable behavior. These people are out there, everywhere, and stepping on one of them can set off the whole minefield all at once.
If I am being honest and truthful and not manipulative, just trying to be sure that everyone knows that I expect to get back what I give out, everything should be OK, right?
Sorry, no. Persons are smart, but people are stupid and unpredictable. The longer a herd of them co exist in a confined space like an office or a business or a small town or an internet forum, the more they set up groups of like minded people that call themselves friends.
Fine when it is a bunch of people that like to go running together or like to talk cars or like to discuss their common hobbies or their common life situations or whatever. But when there are groups that form because they like to gossip or band together to manipulate others, the minefield starts to grow. Be assertive when one of these people crosses you and you become the very thing they need to stay in their social group- an enemy, an outsider, a person to discuss. That first mine goes off and overnight, they are all exploding together and your life changes- at least where it intersects with theirs.
I try to spot them, I try to figure out where being assertive will be a positive thing for both me and the person in danger of crossing a border and where being assertive not only won't work but will bring out the aggressive side of a passive aggressive. "Good fences make good neighbors" is a great metaphore, and so is "don't throw dog shit over the fence".
When I spot a group or an individual with gossip or manipulation on their agenda, I set up a fence of indifference and hope the fence works. I just wish I was better at ignoring the dog shit that sometimes comes over the top. planting a nice border of flowers or roses along the fence helps, when I look their way I see flowers and fertilizer, when they look my way they see a fence with better landscaping on my side than theirs.
I hope.
- Post starter
- #63
ms spock
VIP Member
I really want to get this, if I could do this, I could let going living through the emotional flashbacks of my past.
That is trust, trust that unlike my Mother and Father, who were both so many shades of evil, are not incarnate in the people I am with. I can't even get close to that at the moment.
Yeah, for me it was intrinsically tied my ability to make decisions. Making a decision and standing by it no matter what the consequences. Which of course, ties into self compassion and quieting the inner critic. That voice that says 'you are such an idiot' needed to be put to bed.
- Post starter
- #65
ms spock
VIP Member
I just agonise about making decisions, if I don't make one, maybe I have a better chance of staying alive? I just don't want to make the wrong decision, in case someone dies, my sisters and brothers are not here right now, no one is going to die, but I keep acting like it. Making a decision is really hard. I just have to practice making more and more decisions I guess.
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