How Do You Cope With The Fear?

[felix]

As the title says really. Going out and about, shopping, meals with friends, going to the movies, stepping out of the front door... How do you cope with the fear of meeting your abusers, the people who willingly caused you so much harm and probably would again. If you've reported them then you know they'll be angry - maybe looking for revenge.

Everytime I leave the house I feel like there are eyes on me. I can go to anonamous places, the movies aren't so bad because the movie theatre is dark so I know he wouldn't be able to see me. Getting through the reception bit is hard. What if someone has been released from prison and is looking for you, like they said they would. How do you move past that?

 

[Blutarg]

Do you live in a safe place now?
Do you live near them?
Do you live with someone safe or on your own?

 

[Blutarg]

There are others on the forum who have experienced the same as you are feeling now. Maybe read through some of their stories until someone posts here.

For now, I would suggest dealing with the fear as you would any extreme anxiety state. Start with focusing on how you are breathing at the time, and try and slow it down. You have to take deep, slow breaths to do that, and do it for a few minutes at a time. That is just a start, just to get you grounded so that you can think a little more clearly if you're getting really stressed out.

I can understand how scared you must be because the threat must seem quite real. They probably would be angry if you had reported them. Just know, that at this moment they are not there, that the threat is not real and that you are okay.

I would advise you speak firstly to your doctor who can put you in touch with the relevant people, or I would ask Cherryblossom to speak here because she knows the system in your country and who the best people would be to speak to regarding your safety.

I am not much of a help in this situation but I hear you. I can only relate on the fear factor but I can't help too much on who you should speak to to get help. :affection:

 

[felix]

Hi Blutarg,

I live in my own home so have veto over who is allowed over the doorstep. There are two people I am worried about, the first I was a witness in a case against him and he was sentenced to life in prison (which apparantly means ten years now). He has been released and at the time swore he would 'sort out' anyone who stood against him. I don't know where he is living but his parents live in the next town over and stood by him, so even if he doesn't live here he will be visiting them I would imagine. I am absolutely terrified of this man, didn't want to stand against him in the first place but didn't get a choice, and our local victim support office say that threats made 'in the heat of the moment' aren't a cause for concern ten years later. He has served his time and unless he does something then as far as they are concerned that is that. He is a murderer and he got so much pleasure out of that act mentally and quite obviously sexually. If he gets a hold of me I don't think it would be a case of dealing with the aftermath - I genuinely don't think I would live through it.

The other is my brother which is an awkward situation. My Mum will still send him text messages, phone him occasionally etc. it isn't my place to say to her she needs to choose me or him as much as I might like to, and wish she would take a stand that what he has done is wrong. The police have been looking for him for a while. He turns up intermittently, the time before last he tried to beat me up on my lunch hour because I tried to walk away from him which he thinks is unacceptable. Two of my work colleagues intervened and one got hurt. He dissappeared before the police arrived. He followed my friend home and beat them up (put them in intensive care) as a 'mesage' to me, he has broken into my house and stolen stuff, defecated... he basically drops in and out deliberately trying to wreck my life - then scarpering before the police arrive. They will issue a restraining order, if they ever find him to give him it! He won't listen to it anyway. He is very smart, smart enough to get away with everything.

He is a very real threat physically as well as emotionally, he carries a knife and has used it on me before. Then there is the damage fists and feet can do when the other person is twice your size and three times your weight. If he gets hold of me it doesn't matter how hard I fight I can't escape.

I live one town over now and I didn't think he new my new address but he does. I don't know if my Mum gives him it, or if he steals it from her, or finds it out another way. I have seriously debated moving out of the area entirely, but I don't have the money to do that, would need to find a new home and job, and would lose what support I do have in a couple of very good friends, plus finally I found a Doctor who I think will actually help me. I am so very scared but I also don't want to back down. If I move I will lose what is left of my life, I may not lose it if I stay.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Felix,
Have you thought about getting a dog. One that is large enough to be intimidating to others. If it weren't for my dog,I would never get out.
Another thing I do (It may sound silly but it does give me comfort). When I go out, I always leave a note of where I was going and who I was with or meeting.

I hope this might help some.:) I wish I could think of more! :thinking::( It might help me too!:rolleyes: Good luck.

 

[felix]

I have a fourteen month old GSD ;) and a handful of Border Collies. They do make me feel very safe at home, and I taught my oldest dog (one of the Collies) to growl on command. They are all soft as anything really but are a visual and verbal deterrant.

I do quite like the note idea, I wouldn't want to just dissappear, and if its the last thing I do at least it might help bring them to justice - maybe!

Thanks x

 

[WonderingWhy]

I have a fourteen month old GSD ;) and a handful of Border Collies. They do make me feel very safe at home, and I taught my oldest dog (one of the Collies) to growl on command. They are all soft as anything really but are a visual and verbal deterrant.

I do quite like the note idea, I wouldn't want to just dissappear, and if its the last thing I do at least it might help bring them to justice - maybe!

Thanks x

I like the growl on command!:lmao: For me my fear would be that I couldn't get the "command" out, as I usually either totally panic and can't think at all or freeze up and can't do or say anything at all.:trapped::banghead: that can make things a bit difficult! My dog however seems to sense my anxiety and turns into what appears to be a VERY vicious man eating beast!:D Works for me!:lmao: I just have to be careful with her and maintain control at all times. I have only ever had one mishap. I felt terrible. I was in a waiting area with her and of course just being there my anxiety was quite high!:scream: When he came in I wanted to get out quickly. (It was a fairly small room and he was a male, I have the most anxiety around males) I had been on my laptop and as I got up forgetting the cord was plugged in I tripped on the cord, which made the laptop fall.
This poor unsuspecting individual rushed over(behind me) and was attempting to catch it for me. Unfortunately:no: even though I was unaware of his hurried movement towards me,:eek: my dog saw him and decided he was a threat. She lunged and snapped at his arm!:oops: It was fortunate for him it was winter! My "protector" did not get his skin, but did take a chunk out of his :confused: leather jacket!:( I felt soooo bad. The poor guy!:help: I offered to help make it right for him, but he just left.:confused: I might add that he left immediately!!!!:thinking: He never even spoke to any employee about anything! He just LEFT!!:running::running::running::running: Geeeee! I wonder why????:thinking::whistle:

That just reaffirmed what I have always felt confident of, that she would certainly protect me if the need arose. She is NOT just all bark! Seriously though, that was too close a call. It was kind of a "freak accident" though.

I did have her quite close to me, and my "rear eyes" were not working:D. Normally people do NOT rush towards you and get THAT close. Well I don't know how I got all off on this tangent?:thinking: I guess I will just stop.:oops:

 

[felix]

Lol easily done I think sometimes, Felix is ace and picked up growling as a puppy (he 'talks' to you) so I just put a command in for it. Like you I can't get words out so I taught him to do it if I hold the scruff of his kneck as well, which is even more effective as it looks like i'm holding him back :whistle:. Like I said though he wouldn't hurt a fly and works as a Pets as Therapy dog on the childrens ward!

The one I have to be careful with is my girl Border Collie she is fine when i'm fine but is really sensitive to my moods and will kick in with the protective thing at times. I don't want to stop her though as the one time my brother turned up when I had the dogs she bit his arm when he grabbed me and chased him off. The other two Collies and our German Shepherd just stood and watched so I know they would never actually do anything because they would have then if that makes sense?

 

[cherryblossom]

Felix, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and feel so vulnerable. They both sound like scary guys to be around. I don't have any immediate 'words of wisdom' - but will be giving your situation some serious thought (sorry, I can't be more helpful :no:)

 

[felix]

Felix, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and feel so vulnerable. They both sound like scary guys to be around. I don't have any immediate 'words of wisdom' - but will be giving your situation some serious thought (sorry, I can't be more helpful :no:)

Thanks CB, you summed it up with feeling vulnerable that is exactly what I am struggling with. I have always had a 'fight-back' attitude and been determined that I won't let fear of them destroy my life. Now though I feel like I have no fight left, if the thoughts of packing up and moving out weren't so fraught with problems, no job, nowhere to live etc. then I think I would - even though it means letting them drive me out. I don't think it would help though, if they want to find me then they are going to find me aren't they :goingtocry:. I don't know what I can do about it. If the police can't control people like this then what chance do the rest of us stand really. This is what I struggle with the most because I know i'm supposed to be standing upto them, I feel I have done ok in life - I got myself off the streets, got a job and am studying at night school. I'm trying so hard to get to a happy ending. Yet in the back of my mind I am always waiting for the next incident. I feel weak and I feel like a fool. This fear and vulnerability is pathetic, no-one else is going to be able to fix this. I just don't feel strong enough to deal anymore.

 

[Blutarg]

I think you are doing so well at getting your life together and I know that sometimes the situation seems hopeless, but always look back only to be able to look forward. By that I mean that the only time you look back is to see just how far you have come and that way you can see where you are going.
I do that when I get despondent.

You have done so much and you deserve so much more. Don't let them get you down! As I see it, they kept you down for so long and now it is you turn, and your right, to live a decent life!

Do you have anything other than your dogs for protection? Do you carry pepper spray on you? That would at least buy you some time if your brother came around when you weren't at home or something. Think along those lines. What can you do to enable yourself?

I'm glad you live where you do, that sounds sensible :)

I believe you are stronger than you think you are so you just keep up your courage, you can do this thing! :hug:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Felix,
Aren't dogs great!!!!:p Too bad though that he didn't just "take" his arm.:whistle:
Sorry, I suppose that wasn't a very kind thought? :thinking: The dog might have gotten in trouble!:lmao:
I know, :praying: Lord forgive me my unkind thoughts.:rolleyes: