Like so many others I learned to cry silently so as to not make the abuse worse when it was happening, or I just shut it off entirely. The first few weeks of therapy with the very first therapist I had I just sat there and cried. It came pouring out and I couldn't stop. Poor therapist! She just waited patiently and make sure there was a full box of kleenex ready for me. I even cried all the way through the phone call I made to set up the therapy, talking to some random customer service guy for my health insurance. He was patient, too. He was just quiet and finally he very gently said, "This is very difficult for you, isn't it?" There had been very, very few gentle men in my life at that point. I will never know who that guy was but I will bless him for his understanding to the end of my days. I have never forgotten it.
Now I sob hard and sometimes sort of wail. I don't like to cry in front of others and I only do it when my roommate's not home, it just stresses him out to see me so upset and not be able to do anything about it, he likes to fix things. I can be loud so I try to do it into a pillow. The walls here are thin and I don't want the neighbors to wonder what the heck is going on at our place.
