How do you explain the daily battle?

[Warrior Chicken]

The unexpectedness of PTSD, the fact you can be swimming along just fine and the water is calm when all of a sudden you get pulled under or swept quickly away from shore. And you don't know when you'll be able to make it back to shore, or up for more than one or two breaths before you're pulled back under......but that on the outside, most people will have no idea that you're fighting. That if you told them about the struggle they'd look at you and maaaaaybe acknowledge that you seem a bit disconnected, but otherwise have no clue.

I don't want people (coworkers, acquaintances, family, friends) to know about the struggles, but in my relationship with my significant other? It's come up lots.

Usually, in the format of I'm not consistently working on things. We work on our relationship together (with some support) then things drop off for a while and we coast. Sex is usually a tension point.....it's never enough (for my SO). I understand that desire has a massive sliding scale from person to person, but it's made more difficult with ptsd (no, not ever saying that as an excuse, but it does complicate it for me).

I have tried to explain that every day I work on things. That no day is peaceful, I may have moments here and there, but every day I'm putting effort in to stop memories, to handle the survival response, to regulate from that, to stay connected, to be loving and warm and positive. My SO doesn't see that, and when I try to explain it....the words are lost and it sounds like I'm making excuses.

Guess what I'm asking is - as sufferers....how do you explain your daily battle to those you're close to?
As supporters - what helps you to see or understand the battle?

 

[LuckiLee]

When J told me he has PTSD that is the day I began my research. I had to learn all I could about the disorder. After all it affects my life as well.

Has your SO done any of his own research into the disorder. Imo that is where he should start.

It would be hard for me to understand J and his symptoms if I had no clue about the disorder. Knowledge is power!!

It took a while for him to trust me with his thoughts and feelings but eventually he started opening up to me about everything. Do you feel safe with your partner? Do you trust him?

Sex is a difficult topic of conversation, even in relationships without PTSD thrown into the mix. Maybe you could find information that pertains to you and your symptoms to share with him. Articles you relate to.

Would you feel comfortable talking with him with your therapist? Maybe you could discuss the issues with T first and bring him to a later appointment?

What about writing things down that you want to share with him? Start with something small. Explain a symptom or a reason why abc is a problem. Something fairly easy for you to address. That might be all it takes to get the conversation started. Or just have the whole conversation in writing. You start with one sentence and he responds. Sounds goofy but it can make the suck less sucky.

Just remember, the way he responds is a reflection of himself NOT You. Seriously, if he does anything less than comfort and support YOU...

XO

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks @LuckiLee for your response.
Writing things out has always been a better way for me to communicate and I like the suggestion.

We do have a couples T and see her about 1 x a month. But usually stay away from talking about ptsd per se....we talk about how I can be more comfortable with sex and how I can possibly be able to do it more often. It’s one of the things that really balances my SO....and when he’s balanced I’m less on edge. That’s been the focus lately.

I have trouble explaining that I’m working on that part as well as the non sex related trauma, working full time in a high stress job, trying to reconnect with family cuz dad has dementia, mom is abusive to him and struggling herself.....I seem to be decent at presenting well and flowing thru. But these things stack up inside and it gets more difficult for me to regulate. Then I disconnect and over commit which looks like I don’t give a shit about him.

I tried to explain again last night but get a blank stare from him, lose my point and words and feels like I’m just making excuses not to push myself harder.

Sorry....that was a bit of a rant.
Finding articles might be a good idea, cuz he won’t do the research himself. I don’t except or judge him for not wanting to at all, he has enough on his plate and a partner that can be off on another planet for large chunks of time.

 

[Never_falter2]

Maybe just explain it like this. Just say “it’s a daily battle“. I typically don’t read here. I just clicked on this thread because of the topic and because my guy said something similar.

He said that it feels like a war for him... and I think I understand what he means.
Maybe just say the first things that come to your mind. Most important thing is that you say something.

My guy also like to talk about characters from movies he feels like. Okay, I do not always get why... but most important thing is you talk to your love ones and reach out to them.

I also read a lot of books on ptsd and I talked to other supporters and others guys with ptsd and that was very helpful.

 

[esz]

I have absolutely no answers or advice, but this is one of my biggest struggles currently. It can be so lonely when people are missing this gigantic chunk of who I am. Trying my best to be myself and willing to share when the moment presents itself. Interested to hear others thoughts.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

@esz hearing you. I’ve heard many times before, “just be yourself” and though that can inherently be an easy thing for some and/or a goal to strive to achieve for others.....it’s challenging when you’re not fully sure “who” you are. Not in the existential sense, but for me....I’m just starting to piece together past, present, future and identify needs and wants.
That sounds silly as I read over it...but I think what I’m trying to say is I’ve always lived for others, served, I’m starting to learn that I can live for me. Sure, got a ways to go but....I’m workin on it.

This forum helps me loads both sufferers and supporters. Perspectives from others are like a range finder for me....from them I can interpret my own perspective. Maybe that’s not how it’s done, but it’s how I’ll start.

 

[Mee]

My DH will read anything I give him. Him finding it? It’s too much of an ask ; he works too long/ hard and is taking up my slack too. I find bullet pointed nuggets of information such as found on Instagram really useful.
@LuckiLee is really an exemplary partner and to me is demonstrating what love is - seeing and accepting the other person as they are. Not pretending ‘failings’ or ‘injury’ isn’t there, but accepting it as something Part of the whole - As just normal wear and tear of a soul - but not HERS . I can help my DH see me by cutting out some of the research. I do feel seen by him and make effort to see him as a whole too.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

You’re very correct @LuckiLee is exemplary indeed!

 

[Ronin]

Imma give this one a try, since answering Qs easier than talking even tho rn in a headspace of Deny ever knowing them / Keep them *safe*...

As sufferer: I tell the bits likely to affect them or others (shitton other shared people that were my friends long before we started dating.)

As supporter, I need to know bits I can do something about, can care for / one of the few people I don't mind doing sympathy and meant cute and care for when absolutely drowning in my own bullshit and needing fast solve & out.

And I need to know when they're not safe or not good, also for not doing drastic shit on their behalf and not biting myself with uselessness that I can't do jack.

So less about PTSD (both got it / hell half of that social circle does, it's personalities and coping we differ wildly).

More about how to teamwork & time shit that's currently on.

 

[esz]

@Warrior Chicken I think when I use the phrase "be myself", it is short hand to remind myself that overanalyzing and questioning my every move will only make matters worse. So when I tell myself to "be myself" I am attempting (not always successfully!) to not make judgements about what I say and do after the fact. I am trying to let myself just be and do and say whatever comes out.

I realize that phrase is super trite and cliche, and tries to boil down something super complicated into a saying that rolls off the tongue. I didnt mean to try and boil it down in that way because that is definitely not possible.

I think I understand what you are saying about not really knowing who you are. Having a worldview and firm grasp of where your life fits into it along with your dreams and goals and values is difficult enough without trauma. It doesnt sound silly at all to me.

 

[pam4him]

I think your analogy to swimming explained it quite well. Have you told it to your SO? With my depression, I explained it as a million thoughts on a merry go round going 90 miles an hour. I try to hold on just one and it's ripped out of my hand (brain). And it's going so fast I can't focus. It seemed to relay some of what I was going through. Couples counseling might help your SO understand a bit more, if that is an option. You are doing a great job of coping and keeping your head above water. Keep up the great work, you got this! Prayers for continued strength, understanding for SO, and grace in your relationship.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Deny ever knowing them / Keep them *safe*...

I very much understand what you said here, it’s a motivator for keeping quiet, ‘stay strong for everyone’ or else the ‘bad’ will catch you off guard and you won’t be able to protect them.

More about how to teamwork & time shit that's currently on.

Team player....sure, am one. But not when it comes to my own battle. That’s mine, my demons, my enemy, don’t want to expose others to their harm. I’m used to living with their torment, so hide it from them to keep them safe....happy, oblivious. Besides, if I told them about my demons? ‘It’s not that bad, there’s WAY worse! Drama queen’

I am trying to let myself just be and do and say whatever comes out.

I didnt mean to try and boil it down in that way because that is definitely not possible.

Hmmm....I didn’t see it as you trying to boil it down. I see it as encouragement for challenging yourself to be able to be, do, and say.....without the over analyzing. I think if we have that self talk, then we can stand on the path and start to think about taking a step away from our own shadow. Doesn’t mean we don’t rapidly retreat back to the shadow when it’s way too exposing out in the sun....but saying I can be ok to be, do, and say might be some of the fuel that generates movement.

Thanks @pam4him for your kindness. I haven’t used the analogy of swimming with my SO....I think if I tried I’d get part way thru and then abort the conversation and turn to humour or something else. Minimizing it? Not sure. Maybe write it like @LuckiLee suggested.

I also read a lot of books on ptsd and I talked to other supporters and others guys with ptsd and that was very helpful.

I think you’re incredible for doing this by the way.