How Do You Forgive To Move On?

[NIKI]

I am told that you need to forgive to be able to move on. That to forgive is for yourself and not the abuser. I don't know how to do it. I feel like if I say I forgive it is like saying it was ok that you abused me.

How can I learn to forgive them for myself to move on?

Thanks for any advice.

 

[MouseWedger]

Niki,
I wish I had an answer for you. I thought I forgave Devil Lady (my ... ew ... mother) and kept telling myself it wasn't her, just her bi-polar disorder, the drugs, the alcohol. Not her though. It helped me for a long time, but recent events have left me raw again, and I can no longer forgive her. At least with her, I found I didn't need to forgive to move on. I just found that I didn't need her anymore, and that I never did. That I always had a "real" mom in my stepmother and was just too naive to see it. That, above everything else, helped me to move on.
Mouse

 

[Jacquie]

A lot of people see forgiveness as not wanting to tear someone's throat out....and maybe it is. Because as long as we want to hurt them back or stop them hurting us...it festers. But when you just....dont care any more. Seriously dont care. Dont care if they live or die, are well or sick, being a holes or angels. When its all the same to you.....then it gets better.

 

[Srain]

I had soooo much pressure as soon as I had first memories come and the dawning of what was really real. I was inundated with the words "forgiveness" before I had a chance to even fully digest the rage that was bubbling up in my gut. I was torn, I was confused, and I was clear that was NOT going to happen anytime soon if at all. A child molester, a pedaphile, a person that had supposedly dedicated their life to helping others that are so vulnerable and would hand over their children only to have their little insides ripped shreds for life by an evil self-centered monster, is sickening to me!! This is someone that is to be forgiven and I am suppose to wish them well while they continue doing this??

I read I did not have to, in order to get better right then right now. Relief! Hope!.... What I did need to do was to 'accept' what happened. Difficult...at best. Accept what happened to ME. Maybe this is a good place to start. Maybe forgiveness is where you end up to get your relief and peace in your heart. It has been helpful in other areas of my life. I am not against it, I have found much relief in certain areas and understand that this is extremely helpful and an individual issue to be respected.

Peace and clarity,
Rain

 

[ms spock]

I had soooo much pressure as soon as I had first memories come and the dawning of what was really real. I was inundated with the words "forgiveness" before I had a chance to even fully digest the rage that was bubbling up in my gut.

This is a very common experience in my world.

I don't believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness functioned in the Catholic Church to allow forgiveness which gave a psychological relief to the those involve in systemic and endemic child sexual assault. They did an evil thing and then were forgiven and were able to do it all over again.

You will find your own way of dealing with it but don't people use "forgiveness" as a way to silence you and to invalidate your experiences.

Forgiveness, belongs in my mind, in the cliches you hate thread.

This is how it is for me, it might not be so for anyone else and I respect that.
ms spock

 

[Sandra]

I have really have a hard time with trying to forgive my abusers. I still have so much hatred, anger and resentment in me. I had a very deep conversation last night with a close net friend. I think now he really sees just how much hatred and anger I really have in me, mostly towards my mother.

 

[missd84]

I struggle with forgiving too. I think I was too forgiving and too trusting in the past and I saw how that ACTUALLY caused me a lot of pain and certain situations to escalate to a destructive level. I'm trying to accept what has happened to me but I really don't think I can ever forgive the people who did those things to me. In a way, it feels like I'm validating it and taking the blame when it's not any fault of my own (other than believing in the goodness of mankind, which I sadly learned is a fatal flaw).

 

[ms spock]

I struggle with forgiving too. I think I was too forgiving and too trusting in the past and I saw how that ACTUALLY caused me a lot of pain and certain situations to escalate to a destructive level.

This has been an ongoing downfall for me!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

... but I really don't think I can ever forgive the people who did those things to me. In a way, it feels like I'm validating it and taking the blame when it's not any fault of my own.

I take this view as well. It is not for me to process their guilt and culpability. For me the forgiveness thing is used as a silencer, in tandem with the comment of "So when do you think you will get over it?"

I think the confession acted as a valve for paedophile priests and nuns to mediate their guilt of their sexually abusing children, they were forgiven one week and did again and were forgiven the next week. But that is my thing and might not be useful to other people.

ms spock

 

[NIKI]

I guess what "they" mean by saying to forgive for yourself is so the hate doesn't fester and eat you from the inside out and IT WILL.

The anger does feel like it eat up my insides. BUT, how do I say or feel like I forgive. WHEN I DON'T.

I guess somehow you must find a way to live your life being not all consumed with the abuser in your head.

Make a life where the abuser doesn't live in your mind.

 

[missd84]

I take this view as well. It is not for me to process their guilt and culpability. For me the forgiveness thing is used as a silencer, in tandem with the comment of "So when do you think you will get over it?"

I think the confession acted as a valve for paedophile priests and nuns to mediate their guilt of their sexually abusing children, they were forgiven one week and did again and were forgiven the next week. But that is my thing and might not be useful to other people.

ms spock

I hate that quote of when will I ever get over it or why is it taking you so long? Sometimes I just wanna scream at them and be like since when is there a timeline for recovering? A guy was interested in me at the time of the trauma and we saw each other 4-5 months later and he was in complete shock that I was still having trouble with it. I wanna know what bubble he's living in!

 

[AngelaMarie]

I really don't know if it's forgiveness or acceptance. Accepting the way someone treated you especially if it has devestated you is sooooo hard. I have a hard time understanding how some people can do what they do and walk away and smile. I can't give you an answer except to say that I know I deal with the same question. I can't forgive them because they don't even understand what they have done to me....but I can try to learn acceptance???!!!! I wish you the best in figuring this question out.