How Do You Handle it?

[tch75]

Hi!
I have been looking around this forum for a while now, and I have found so many, many threads that have helped me so, so much! I see that many people are in relationships, married and so on. I have never been able to stay in a relationship for a long time. My C-ptsd always show it's ugly face when it gets to close. I've been avoiding everything that could lead up to relationships for 12 years now, and I met someone who made me want to try again. It, of course backfired, and I ended up scaring her away, I knew what was coming, I even said on the end of our first date that I'm just really, really scared now, she did not understand that comment, that's ok. I feel so guilty about this, and I feel so, I don't know how I feal, really, I'm just so confused. I have done some things I'm not proud about, they probably fit better in anthonys thread "what bad shit have you done", so I won't go into it here... I have never been abusive or violent, acting out, I have the beautifull skill of turning everything inwards, lovely thing that!? I am now truly scared again to get into a relationship, how do you cope with that? I have tried beeing honest about my situation, but "normal people" just don't seem to understand, the situation, get scared, or don't believe what they are hearing, someone even says things like; oh grow up, get over it... You all know.... I don't know if anyone ever have had the feeling (yes I do); you are in a situation with a person, a person you want to be in that situation with, you really do, and then something is said or done, and you start to flashback or dissasociate? It's a horrible, horrible situation, not to be in the moment when you really want to be in the moment. Maybe this really belong in the C-Ptsd section, but I need to get someones feedback. How is it possible, or is it possible for anyone with C-Ptsd to "go" into a relationship, not being honest about the situation, is i even fair to the "normal person", I just don't know!? Does anyone?

tch75

 

[Iam]

Yes Tech, it is possible to have a relationship for someone with C-PTSD. I have been married for 32 years! Of course we didn't know that I had PTSD at the time, It was only for combat veterans and had a different name anyway. I hadn't received any counseling either. I was 17 when we met and he was 24. I was trying to change my life. We didn't get married to get me out of my parents house but we did marry 2 years earlier than planned, I was 18, because my home situation became so dangerous we felt we had to get me out of there.

So my boyfriend, now husband, knew that I came from an abusive background, he knew that I was pretty screwed up from it but also that I was trying to overcome all of that crap. He saw the person I was inside, not just the f'd up stuff I had done to try to cope. I was diagnosed with PTSD 9 yrs ago but we didn't have any idea what that meant. My current T suggested that I have PTSD at the end of last year. I finally started looking at it here on the forum last July and agreed that yes I do suffer from it. Still fight the dx at times though.

Anyway all that to say, my husband has had to put up and deal with some pretty intense, bizarre behaviour on my part. Including suicidal behaviour and a breakdown. He has been an incredible support all the way thru. Now that we know I have PTSD and what that means it all makes more sense to us. It does not however make it easier when I slip into highly symptomatic behavior.

You might want to take a look at the carers section to see how many people who are "normal" live with and love their PTSD suffering partners/spouses/friends. It can be done!

 

[TLight]

I always knew there was something wrong with me. When I'd get involved, it was always with someone who did things that triggered me extremely and then I'd become really symptomatic and the relationship would eventually end.

With therapy and reading, I realized that I was subconsciously recreating my past in order to get some sort of resolution or a different outcome to the traumas. REally sick.

I didn't think I could ever be with anyone either.

I tried one last time at the age of 43. I said right up front; I have two disabilities, CPTSD and Fibromyalgia and I'm on SSD. I tried to explain some of the symptoms. I tried to explain some of what had occurred to me to make me this way. I tried my best to explain the Biology of the disorder. I also said right up front that I was on psychiatric medications. I tried to explain the part that he'd likely experience, which is the emotional dsyregulation and lack of ability to trust.

Over the course of two years, he saw it all. Of course, I also had some therapy behind me, which I didn't before, so I knew what was wrong too and I was able to try and regulate my behavior a bit. But he saw it all, flashbacks, crying jags, suicidal days and nights, lashing out, raging..........and he was compassionate and supportive. Never judgmental, never. He understood completely the biology of it, so I was never told to get over it, etc. all those very hurtful things.

Now, I got married two weeks ago.

It is possible. You have other qualities besides this disorder. Would someone reject you because you had cancer? Well, pooh on them.

You and I both have to remember, we are not CPTSD! It is just a disability that we have to deal with. We deserve love and support in order to do that. We deserve it.

 

[intothelight]

Hi tch75,

I think it takes a special partner to look beyond the symptoms and "see" the real person. I agree with Tlight as we are not CPTSD, or PTSD. Relationships built on honesty, trust and realistic expectations are the ones that succeed with this disorder, whether it be your significant other, family members or friends.

Be patient and be selective. By the way, if you ever meet a "normal" person let me know. All of us have our issues, some are just more evident than others.

ITL

 

[Elphaba]

I don't know if it is fair. I often think my partner would be better off without me. But the main event behind my ptsd happened 3 days before our first wedding anniversary. Lots of things changed after that, but... i don't know. I guess it is different going into a relationship, and having things develop while you are in it? The sad thing here is that I think he keeps waiting for me to "return to normal". But I sense explosions and bombs everytime I step on a public transport vehicle or enter a public building with a certain public profile - like concert halls. My sense of normality and what is reasonable to expect has changed.

As for the relationship? It has its ups and downs. But what bound us together before the bombings, is still there.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Ok... *deep breath*... This is the first time I've mentioned this 'publicly' on the site but I've actually become involved with someone. It's been about 6, 8 weeks now. I gotta tell ya, I don't even wanna talk about it because I am so scared I'm gonna screw it up. I don't even think she has any idea how truly petrified I am. I didn't even wanna mention it because I don't wanna have to come on here and have a bunch of pitying hands on my shoulders in the near future going 'oh well - you tried' like I just received the encouragement award or something. Bring in the violins, ya know? Ohhh.

I've known her about 5 years now and she recently tracked me down and told me she's been in love with me for years and was 'crushed' when I got engaged. Well, tch75, when this started I was like 'I am emotionally INVICIBLE - she cannot hurt me. I cannot feel, thus, my heart is inpenetrable'. Well what a lot of crap that was - because I now have serious feelings and I can get hurt. Very very very hurt in fact. And... I am now scared. I'd love to reserve the right to delete this post in future because I don't want it out there that I have gone and sabotaged yet another relationship (which I fear I will do - 'please don't jen, don't do it to yourself'). But I guess that is exactly what love is huh - a great big gamble.

I guess what I wanna do is ask everybody to please not ask me how it's going for at least a couple more months.

I hear ya tch75 - sitting here with Kleenex at the ready waiting for the other shoe to drop. And all I really have to say to myself when my confidence is not at it's best is 'You bloo8Y idiot - you went and fell in love! Have you learned NOTHING!?' Wish she knew just how petrified I am so I could really get across the gravity of 'please ---- be gentle'

Guess we have to try again eventually tch75. I really do wish you the best of luck darlin.

-Jen

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Also, I should probably add tch75 : I told her straight up about the PTSD (it's PTSD in my case, not C-PTSD - though I still did want to respond to your question). Perhaps it was a little easier in my case because she knew me before all the really harsh incidents occured. I still felt I needed to tell her straight away that I had been diagnosed and that she was going to see the symptoms sometimes. I told her because I didn't want her to think it was HER fault when these symptoms reared their head. I didn't really go into the who/what/when/why. Maybe in time that will come out. But I felt the important part to share was the symptomatic side of it, because that's the part that is going to play a role in the relationship.

If I'm having a bad day I tell her. I don't go into it in any great detail - I don't want to overwhelm her this early and before this relationship has really cemented itself. But I just let her know if I'm not having the best day and that it isn't her and it will pass. The others are right - there is so much more to us than a condition like c-ptsd or ptsd. I'm trying to keep my fear in check and my confidence up as much as I can and that's all I can really do. There really is no reason to believe you have to go through the rest of your life alone when there are people out there who will love you for who you are.