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How Do You Know Something Is A Problem?

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And yet, I'm wrong sometimes

Of course you are. That doesn't mean you're wrong all the time. Also, how do you define wrong?

From post #18
in fact, the problem was ME, seeing "problems" that weren't really there, they were shadows of things long past.

Oh but @scout86, the problems are there. The problems are the in the shadows. Things long past become shadows because they are problems that need resolution and there is no chance of resolution without self validation.
If you had no one to protect you from things that shouldn't have happened, and you survived those things, and the way you survived those things was not feeling anything about them, then you did what you had to do to survive and not make matters worse.
You took on the ownership of what happened by telling yourself or being told until you made it your truth, the problem was YOU.

That was how you coped.

Perhaps that is how you continue to cope and that my friend just might possibly be a problem.

Greet your shadows, talk and listen to them, find out what they have to say. They might be your child self or selves who need their grown up self to hear them and tell them, " you are not a problem little one, you were never a problem."

This is all maybes of course.

I do wonder @scout86, and please don't answer if you don't want to but have you been diagnosed with PTSD? If you have, does it have roots in your childhood?

It's not that I don't read your posts, I just have mush where my memory should be.
I don't have much time just this second, but the answers to your 2 questions are yes and yes. Now you have me thinking about the different layers to all this. I can pretty much guarantee there have always been people who think of me as "a problem", and that's really their reality, but that doesn't mean it has to be a problem from my point of view.
yes you have been diagnosed with PTSD and yes it has roots in your childhood

The only feelings I'm ever aware of connecting with her are apprehension, fear, dread, failure, etc.[/

.[QUOTW="scout86, post:1034506, member: 22240"]I don't have any perception of "being robbed" of anything. I have no connection to the idea of having missed, or needing anything I didn't get. I have no particular feeling about it at all,

How about feeling loved, safe and nurtured? How about being able to trust the one person who had control and power over your life?

I don't just say I have no feelings about my childhood, I actually have no feelings, or minimal feelings. It was what it was, I made it out. So it's hard to see it as either denial OR a problem. It just was what it was. Could have been better, but certainly could have been worse. For me, it doesn't morph into fears as much

@scout86 said,"Her mother kept sneaking up on me and touching my arm to get my attention. As it happens, her mother, superficially, reminds me of MY mother (not a good thing!). She's a small woman who, superficially, appears timid and tends to move in a sneaky way. (My mother wasn't actually timid, that was an act.) Anyway, by the end of the event, I was jumping out of my skin every time I heard a sound or saw a movement."

Now I'm not trying to put you on the spot but maybe it's a possibility a little skittishness could occur occasionally .

@scout86 said, "it was what it was"

What was it that was?

@scout86 said, "I made it out"

Yes , you survived, but what did you escape?

That the only memories you have of your mother are "apprehension, fear, dread, failure. Your mother, the one person you should have protected you from ever having to feeling those things was the cause of them, might be a problem.

Just speculation of course.
No, you're on to something. Nothing spectacular, but my mother apparently had NPD and I wasn't the kid she had in mind, for sure. It was a problem, until I got out of there and it was an occasional problem until she died. As a kid I didn't so much feel unsafe as unwanted. And, I'm sure, to some degree, I've learned to minimize stuff and deal with it on my own because it worked. And because there weren't a lot of options. So I probably DO have a different way of perceiving "problems".
Hi Scout
The older I get with PTSD the less philosophical I get about it all. If something interferes with my ability to function and survive, then it's a problem. Other things that give me pause, I can get around that. But when crap pins me down so I can't do what I have to do to survive, THAT sucks.
SPent a lot of time in therapy wondering all over at the meaning behind it all. Now I am in the last stretch and down to a crawl. No more naval gazing for me, though I think naval gazing is very good and help us to become better people.
So I am not opposed to naval gazing, I just have to make it to the end naturally and in tact........
As a kid I didn't so much feel unsafe as unwanted. And, I'm sure, to some degree, I've learned to minimize stuff and deal with it on my own because it worked. And because there weren't a lot of options. So I probably DO have a different way of perceiving "problems".

Me too. Though my situation was a bit different possibly- neglect & knowing of problems of others' (so disappering, not adding), plus issues outside of the family, some abuse within fmily- certin people, not all, I have come to realize I actually can't actually say how I 'felt' as a child. Of course I can remember a few things, but watching other (small) children now I see it was inevitable I felt things I don't 'think' I did, since I (only) think well, I survived (no problem).

((((((((((( @scout86 )))))))
I am not trying to encourage you to see things in any specific way. I don't like being burned when I poke at the dragons of my own past. Also, my only experience is only with my survival and the goals I want to achieve for myself. Which could be very different than what you are comfortable with and your own personal goals.
I'm only sharing with you my perspective and even if it doesn't apply specifically to you according to what you know about yourself, maybe someone else is reading who can relate.
Our journeys are all different, yet here we find a bond of understanding in simply surviving.
PTSD is not a result of "not that bad" or "just" .....fill in the blank
It is not a sign of weakness as many want us to believe. It is a sign of strength and the spirits determination to move past survival to living and embracing live. We've paid our dues and while there are no guarantees, we are still here. Damaged? Probably but not broken. You deserve to choose how you decide to manage your life. Just be aware, you do have that power of choice. :hug:
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