How Do You Know What To Do?

[Hope4Now]

How do you know what the right thing to do for healing is? I have parts of me that are saying in no uncertain terms that I need to leave my job, at least for a period of time, and other parts in total panic over this.

I have these kinds of inner wars ALL the time about so many things, but this job thing is getting to be a real problem. It's not like I have the kind of job I can go into and out of. It's a professional career and if I take time off it will mess up a lot of things that people have been working on for a long time, including me. It might help me get better, and that would be good. But it might not make a hill of beans difference, and that would suck because there'd be no good outcome.

There's no good answer, really, I know that. Because I have no idea whether taking time off will help me heal, or just make everything worse.

It is not like a regular injury or illness, this PTSD stuff. It is so unpredictable. Some days I'm fine and highly functional. Other days not. Other days somewhere in between. If I had broken legs or a physical illness that was consistent, taking time off would be a no-brainer. I would qualify for short-term or even long-term disability maybe. But I don't have an illness like this. I don't even know if I would qualify (it says I have to be completely unable to work for at least 2 weeks, and that has not happened). I can push, push, push until I collapse. I don't want to collapse. I want to get better. I want to make a pro-active decision that is best for me now, but I don't know what is best. Because what is best for some parts is deadly for others.

Any insights appreciated.

 

[shimmerz]

Sounds to me like your EP's are trying to wrestle control. I don't know if I can answer this properly Hope. I tried my hardest to stay at work but I just couldn't think right. But looking at it now I wish I had been able to because it may have grounded me better and not had me be in the vulnerable place I am in right now. I feel, looking at it in hindsight, that the ANP should still have a key role somehow or you may be letting the inmates run the penitentiary.

 

[Reds]

I guess you'll never know until you take action. I took time off work once and it didn't work for me, it made me worse. I had nothing to keep me busy so I was absorbed in my thoughts all day everyday. Being at work is hard but it allows me to get out of my head.

But it might work differently for you. Sorry, I know I'm not really helping much here

 

[Casey_03]

I don't know about you, but for me, not having work sends me into a tailspin of self-destruction. Without the structure and routine, I quite literally go insane. My worst moments have all happened when I was taking time off of work. So, if you are the type of person who needs that structure, I would say definitely do not take time off; or take time off but make sure you fill your time with loads of activities. Is the job a problem only because of your on-and-off PTSD symptoms? Or are there other reasons for you wanting to take time off? I am wondering if there might be some other alternative, like taking a trip to attend a seminar/workshop even maybe a spiritual retreat. I have found that my PTSD symptoms get worse if I feel I am stagnating, but that might just be me. We're all different. You could always ask for just a week off, see how it goes, and if it helps, then see if you can take more time (though that might require you to explain about the PTSD).

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm in the same problem, every such problem I came upon, leaves me with a big problem, because of the fear of failing, leading to fear of even doing anything, so I don't meet the fear of failing, and if I failed then I would be in an even worse state, as it would mean that I'm a failure and am gonna be a failure for life and should jsut die and so on... you see where I'm going with this. This system in me blocks me a lot.

I have so many irrational fears that make no sense, but still have such an effect on me, I have no idea what to do about them, and I wish I could just know the answer. Find what helps you, does not working help you, or does keeping yourself busy help you... Also, does keeping yourself busy really help you, or does it just move your thoughts from the problem, as you see. Happiness is not distracting yourself with work your whole life, till you die without even noticing. I think you might prefer to have something else in life, though, it varies, some just want to get it done with...

Well, I'm sorry for my hardly understandable text that I wrote here, I hope it makes any sense to anyone. Thank you for reading. Sending :hug:s

 

[holdenmonty]

It's a really tough thing to deal with. There has been more than one instance where I wished that I would have been physically injured so there would be a visible wound instead of this stupid invisible wound of ptsd that I'm pretty good one day and just having a really tough day the next or even my mood changing from hour to hour.

 

[watundah]

I have a bit different experience going on.

I was let go from my job at the end of January, and it was the best thing that could have happened. I was detaching emotionally when I went in there, going through the paces, hating it, not feeling. It is as though a huge weight is gone. I am taking a year off and focusing on things that *I* want to do (exploring my creative side, focusing on healing, trying to find my next path).

Are you in a place where you can step out for a year, really focus on healing, and then start a job somewhere else? Do you want to keep this job? Can you take a lengthy vacation ? Do you have the type of relationship with your supervisor that you can state that you need some time off for "personal reasons" and take an extended leave of absence? I know that's risky depending on the job - can't let them see you have an Achilles heel or given anyone a reason to wonder at some places.

 

[Friday]

When I'm working... And I'm an inch away from chucking everything? I've learned that spells a word out:

Vacation.

I have the silliest arguments with myself about it (as an example: You won't be paid! I won't be paid if I quit, either.). I fight it. I don't like middle road stuff. I like the extremes of all or nothing. I've learned that in my own life a) insisting on extremes means I'm not in a very good place in my head & b) when I can take the middle road, I'm almost universally happier in the end than when I chose the extreme, instead.