General How Do You NOT Take It Personally

[cynelena]

HOW do I not take it personal???? If my Sufferer didn't have PTSD, I would be out the door, but I know that it is why he is lashing out and picking a fight. We genuinely do not fight, but tonight it took everything I had to not engage in his anger and argue back. It would serve no point though. He just talks over me and cuts me off.

Tonight he hit below the belt. He verbally attacked my friends to me (life long friends that are great people no less) and then made a few very uncalled for comments about me and how I am with him. Every bit of how I am with him is because I am a kind and patient person and happen to love him very much.

I have ordered and read numerous books on PTSD and have talked to my therapist very openly about our relationship. I also make it a point to log on here EVERY day to at least read what others are going through so that I don't start to feel so isolated and hopeless about it all. Uhhhhhhhggggggg:wall:

He made the choice to leave and go home tonight (we generally spend 5-6 night a week together) and it hurt me to see him leave, but I told him that if space was what he needed, I would respect that. He openly said that this is what he does...things start to go well in his life and then he messes it all up and some times on purpose. He even made the comment that he doesn't know how much I can take. Well...I don't either.

I want to know from all of you, how do you not take it personally??? I love him and I know 100% that he loves me, but a person's sanity and soul can only take so much negativity. :stupid:

Sorry for the rant. Hope it makes sense. I feel better for posting, even if it doesn't make sense. Thanks for reading.

Cynthia

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Cynthia

This previous thread may help you: [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=9493"]Its Nothing Personal.[/DLMURL]

 

[Pam]

One of the hardest things to face is the possibility that a person, for no reason or for very little reason, has become the trigger for a person's behavior or emotional difficulties. The way you toss your hair, blow your nose, eat your food, laugh, or even put on your makeup, could trigger a negative event.

My C's experience may not be close to yours. My C eventually talked with his counselor about his broken relationship with his wife. She had developed major health and emotional issues that required supported care. Before she began receiving supported care, her mannerisms became a trigger for C. And those were in addition to the major problems she was having that would stress anyone out. It became clear to him that no matter how much he felt responsible for her care, he was not able to do it because she had become a trigger. Not her fault. She was innocent. It was simply that he could not take care of her with all the illnesses she had, but he just couldn't face setting up a place for her to live with supported care. So she continued to trigger negative events for C. He finally admitted that the situation was unhealthy for both of them and he accepted help. Things are better for both of them now. She is better. He is better. They don't live together and rarely see each other. He still mourns the loss and wishes things were different, but realizes that she is better getting help from someone else and being away from him.

A no-fault split is not a bad thing. Sometimes it just has to be the next step, regardless of why. I asked for and got a divorce from a good man. It could have been a good and even great relationship, but it wasn't. So we got a no-fault divorce. We are both in better places now.

 

[Carolina]

I have a list of things to remember when things start to go bad. I keep little things as keepsakes. Like, if he left me a post-it saying "I love you" I'll take it out again and remind myself that there is a good side to the relationship.

I take care of myself. Treat myself to something nice, call up some friends, go see a movie, take the dog for a nice walk. You need to remember that your happiness doesn't rely only on this relationship. You have plenty of other sources of well-being and happiness and these are particularly important when you're in a relationship with a sufferer.

You cannot be in a codependent relationship with someone with PTSD. You need to be your own person, with your own friends, own activities, own life.

 

[Butigotup]

A trigger doesn't have to stay a trigger forever, though. Every sufferer is different, and every situation is different, and a person changes through time -- sometimes they are able to overcome a trigger and at other times they aren't. There's no simple technique to it and no good reason it sometimes works and sometimes fails, as far as I know, but it can be done.

My wife and I have been married for ten years. At times, in our marriage, I think I've triggered her just by being male and being close to her. Sometimes, we've decided to be together for a while despite that and just allow the distance the relationship needs. At other times, she's overcome that.

An example: earlier this year, I tore up my knee badly and had to have surgery to reconstruct several ligaments. This was a serious blow to me, since exercise has always played a huge role in my own coping strategies. We'd been somewhat distant for a while, and as a result, I'd been running constantly and actually in pretty good shape. :) Not as good a benefit as a close relationship, but it was some compensation.

But when I was basically immobilized post-surgery, a strange thing happened...we became very close. Suddenly, she loved taking care of me, loved contact, initiated intimacy in a way that's been rare for us. It really deepened our relationship.

And we both realized that it meant I had been triggering her, causing her to dissociate often in day-to-day family interactions, without either of us realizing it. When I was imobilized on the couch, I was somehow less threatening and didn't remind her of her abuser, so I didn't trigger her...and a flood of feelings came out of her. feelings she always feels for me, she says now, but is often too triggered to express. She found a new therapist and made some progress.

As I regained normal mobility, I can't say we kept the relationship we'd had when I was recovering. But the relationship we have now is stronger than it was before I got hurt, in part because we're both more aware of what was happening, and she went out and did something about it....a more qualified therapist, a medication regimen, etc. She's working hard on the fact that I trigger her, and our marriage is getting stronger.

It can get better, but it's an enormous amount of work for the sufferer. I don't want to imply that a sufferer can always change their triggers. That's not realistic for everyone all the time. But it is realistic for some people, and I suspect that it may be realistic for most sufferers at certain times in their lives.

Sufferers, I think, shouldn't give up and believe they can't ever get any better. And carers should recognize that it's up to the sufferer and not us, we can just be supportive but we can't make decisions for them.

Oh, and Cynelena, on your original question...

Most of the time I do take it personally.

Then take a break, get it out of my system somehow (can't WAIT until I can run again...the knee is probably 85% now), recognize what's really important to me and come back with a more open mind. But wow, if I was supposed to not take it personally the instant that it happened....well, I don't think I'll ever be THAT good at this. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel your feelings. They only grow if you try to tell yourself you aren't hurt.

 

[cynelena]

Butigotup,

What a way for things to get better for you...you have to bust up your knee:wink:! I'm so glad to hear that so much good has come of it.

You are so right! We have to "feel" those feelings, let them run their course, & then think clearly about where their actions are coming from. It's just like ANY relationship. Funny how we forget that PTSD aside, there is an actual relationship going on.

Since my original post, my BF shared that this time of year is always hard for him. Last night he shared that it was the anniversary of a Marine buddy being killed in Iraq. The night he left my house, he went straight to the VA, spoke with the nurse, attended a late night group meeting, & worked through the emotion of wanting to check himself in (I had no idea how bad off he was that night because I was busy taking it personal :doh:)There's my proof positive that what happened had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his PTSD. Yes, I'm pretty sure I triggered him, but I also know now that had it not been me, it would have been someone/something else that set him off.

Today, I am NOT taking it personally!

Good luck with the knee and best wishes to you and your wifey:smile:

Cynthia

 

[Butigotup]

Butigotup,

What a way for things to get better for you...you have to bust up your knee:wink:! I'm so glad to hear that so much good has come of it.

Yeah, someday when things are really rough for us I'm going to have a buddy hit me just right, and tear the other one.

Kidding, of course.


Wow, so he had a lot of self-awareness that night, at least after he lashed out. That's good. I'm happy for him that he had that, and I'm especially happy for you that you handled it so well. Sometimes, the carer doing the right thing and the sufferer doing the right thing don't go together. But it is nice when they do, isn't it?

 

[cynelena]

Thanks so much for the giggle Butigotup:rofl:. It's just what I needed.

It seems like the past week has gotten much better. He's been triggered here and there, but seems to be "coming down" from the episodes much quicker and isn't being as "personal". It's been a good week:thumbs-up.

He's even planning a getaway for the two of us for next weekend! It's nice to have actions to go along with all those words for a change.

Wishing you (and your knees:stupid:) well,

Cynthia

 

[CCurry]

Hi Cynthia,

I often struggle with trying not to take it personally......but the truth is I still do!

When he's calmed down is when I've found that he apologizes for his behaviour.

It's still hard though.

C.

 

[cynelena]

C,

It is very hard. I went over and over and over if I should even stay in my current relationship and finally broke it down to this...I know that he has PTSD and I know that he will never be cured, so since I have chosen to not give up on our relationship, I have to have a plan for me that doesn't involve him at all. (This is per my therapist, friends, and many of the Carers here too). I'm increasing my "me time", increasing my therapy sessions (weekly instead of bi-weekly), and I've started doing the things again that I've always enjoyed but put aside for a few months (reading, spending more 1 on 1 time with my daughter, and communicating with my wonderful friends).

Doing all these things helps lift my soul and my self esteem:smile:. It makes me stronger overall so that it doesn't hurt AS much when my BF lashes out in a "personal" way. Of course it hurts, but the pain is more like a needle prick than a nail going through my heart!

We have to be strong for ourselves because we sure know that there are times our Sufferers can't be! That's exactly why I come here every day for added support. You are absolutely not alone anymore C:Hug_emoticon:. Hang in there and when you can't...come here for support!

Cynthia