General How Do You React To Your Sufferers Sexual Trauma?

[twinkle30]

Hello
I am a sufferer but had a question for the supporters. How did you react to your sufferers sexual trauma? You can be honest if you had a bad reaction at first. I am not looking to attack anyone I honestly want to know. I was in an abusive relationship and when I told that person about being molested at 5 they blamed me. Blamed me mainly because I never told anyone and therefore am responsible for any other people that person molested after me.

I understand this person was an abuser and that probably isn't the normal response. Still I find myself afraid to tell someone else. I probably won't have same reaction but I am afraid the other person might have no reaction at all which is also hurtful.

 

[Killashandra]

I'm a sufferer, but I'd gladly tell you my experiences and my supporters reactions to it. I am quite open with telling people I have issues.. it is a coping mechanism that keeps people from getting to close to me...

My husband... well I can't tell you what he felt... but how he reacted was of disgust and rage at the person who did it. He also allowed me to continue the relationship I had with my abuser until I was ready to admit and let the anger toward the abuser out. He didn't unerstand why the abuser was in my life but allowed me time to work it out for myself.
Once I had though... my husband took the role of revenger and has been dishing out karma on my behalf. I don't know what it is he does..but from what My Nana says... the abusers life is shit.. and when it gets better, it turns to shit again...

My boss... she pitied me and I make her uncomfortable I mention it.. she can't understand how parents can do such bad stuff to their children.

In my experience it is relative to that individuals upbringing as to how they react. For example the two above.. my husband had grown up with a strong sense of self and ... something like self righteousness. When people do him wrong he won't back down.
My boss was brought up in a very stable home with loving parents and a very functional family...

I hope this helps.. even though you asked for supporters opinions.

 

[twinkle30]

Thanks that does help. I don't think any future men will take on the role of avenger since the abuser is dead.

 

[anonymous]

Could you tell us a little about the person you told? Was he/she a fairly understanding person capable of empathy in general? Black and white thinking? I'm a sufferer too and haven't told anyone other than professionals so I am interested too.

 

[twinkle30]

I guess another thing that concerns me is that there are certain things I don't want to do in the bedroom because of my trauma. I don't know if a person would respect my boundaries or resent me for it.

 

[twinkle30]

Anonymous the person I told was a complete and total abuser. I have only met two people in my life who I felt would fit the bill of a sociopath and he was one of them. I wouldn't even call my childhood abuser a sociopath because they did display empathy towards their own family and animals. I don't believe the reaction of the person I told is at all normal and don't think it would happen again. He actually blamed me when I was breaking up with him so I think it was just him being shitty because I was breaking up with him. Kind of how men will tell skinny, attractive women they are fat ugly cows when they get dumped.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello, supporter of a sufferer of sexual abuse, amongst other traumas.

When she first told me about what happened to her, I think we were both teenagers. I was horrified then and I'm still horrified now. The idea that anyone could do such a thing to my best friend was absolutely sickening and I remember being really, really angry at the people who hurt her. As for a physical reaction, I think I remember completely freezing up and staying quiet for a while, partially because I didn't want to interrupt her, another because I was just shocked. I think I remember vaguely asking why she didn't tell anyone, but I never blamed her for what other people did to her (as a teen I had no idea what PTSD was, let alone that she had it) and to be fair, I think I was overprotective of her (mainly because she was one of my only friends in a world where I felt quite alone).

Long story short, I had a bad reaction in the sense where I was really horrified and couldn't comprehend why someone would want to do something like that to my best friend, but I never, ever blamed her or said it was her fault, because I knew how it felt to be 'bullied' and to not tell anyone about it (yes, being traumatized is much, much different than simply being bullied. But as a teenager, that's how I rationalized the "Don't blame the freaking victim" mentality). I don't become uncomfortable if she mentions it to me, only very, very sad and powerless, because I just want to take away her pain somehow and make it all go away, but I know it doesn't work like that. All I can really do is offer my support...

Your abuser sounds like a f*cking asshole, pardon my French. You were a child and you were victimized. The one responsible was the person who hurt you in the first place, and anyone who has any compassion and basic logic understands that. I agree with Killashandra when they say that it all depends on the environment in which the person was raised...

Either way, that's my input on this...I hope that other supporters can offer you their help

 

[twinkle30]

Thank you for your response recedingmoon.

 

[GrapplingGrief]

I can say that I wish my former partner had directed me here or to a similar resource after perhaps sharing with me the generic notions that she was "emotionally and sexually abused." I don't think I needed to know any details AT ALL. I needed to understand how it affected her and our interactions. I needed guidance more than anything. I needed to know what triggers were and how PTSD worked.

Her telling me details instead totally opened a can of worm and that sent us both reeling. I love my sufferer and all the details did were cause me to freeze and then become traumatized myself as I learned more after the stress and flashbacks causes her to separate from me. What we didn't have were the right resources and communication. We were sexually active BEFORE any of this became real knowledge to me. To see her eventually recoil from my touch when triggered was... Heartbreaking. Our intimacy went from super comfortable and close (at least from my perspective) to disappearing after we moved in together. Triggered PTSD her was a totally different person sexually then the girl I thought I was moving in with. I WISH she had told me early on that she didn't like this or that because it caused flashbacks... I would've understood and been supportive and patient. To this day, I'm not entirely sure was off the table so to speak.

She liked to be choked a bit during (sorry if graphic...seemed relevant) and I was the one who was like ummmm I don't know about that... I was uncomfortable because I don't like the idea of hurting women in any way. She needed lots of foreplay, like a lot... And I get it and had no problem with that. The more comfortable you are telling your partner your needs, your boundaries etc.. The better it will be UNLESS the guy is a compete asshole. Better you know sooner than later. I think the best thing to do is point to resources and discuss the relevant stuff. Don't trigger yourself unnecessarily. I wish she had known to steer me here instead of sharing something she wasn't ready to reveal. I really didn't need to know. I needed to understand.

 

[twinkle30]

Thank you grapplinggrief. Do you mind if I PM you?

 

[GrapplingGrief]

Thank you grapplinggrief. Do you mind if I PM you?

No problem. Go right ahead :)

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I probably am not the normal kind of reactive person but when I hear of pain inflicted on someone I love I just get very protective feeling and tell them something the lines of "I'm so sorry that happened to you. Come here, I want to hold you. You can keep talking if you want or say nothing at all but just come here." It pains me a great deal to hear of a loved ones pain and all I want to do is comfort and protect them and let them know I'm there for them and in the present and future I will do my best to protect them and comfort them from such pains. Now I'm crying... Ugh