How do you process and balance both the trauma and the blessings in your life?

[Ecdysis]

Growing up, all the C-PTSD trauma in our family was a family secret that must not be talked about. It's been a long journey and struggle to be able to speak about it and to experience validation of it.

On that journey, including trauma therapy, I feel like there's been an over-focussing on the trauma, to some degree. It makes me feel like most of my childhood/ life is broken, damaged, full of trauma.

But there have been many, many blessings in my life too. And I don't know how to process those sitting alongside so much trauma.

As a child I was taught that blessings invalidate the trauma... A weird kind of logic... That if something good happens to you, then it cancels out the traumatic things that happened to you? Also, I remember being forced to be "more grateful" for the blessings in my life and was made to feel like an ungrateful b*tch for being sad and grieving the trauma that was also happening.

I feel like to compensate that, I've over-focussed on seeing and voicing the trauma, and also that the trauma has often left me numb and unable to "feel" the blessings.

I struggle to find a good balance with this.

Anyone else who's either struggling with this or has learned to balance it well?

 

[arfie]

A weird kind of logic... That if something good happens to you, then it cancels out the traumatic things that happened to you?

i struggle with this one on a regular basis. weird logic is an understatement. it be one of the bodies of social chit chat i tend to wander away from without comment. weird logic, indeed. then we get to its sister logic that finding relief in someone else being worse off than i am. maybe just because that chit chat too often leads to people being grateful, they are not me.

I feel like to compensate that, I've over-focussed on seeing and voicing the trauma, and also that the trauma has often left me numb and unable to "feel" the blessings.

another one i struggle with, except that i embrace this struggle daily, beginning with my morning meditation where i start with a moment of appreciation and gratitude for the blessings. i then take an inventory of my current condition and prepare whatever tools i will need to cope with them.

a meditation i enjoy for this balancing act is riding a bicycle. as i ride, i am adjusting my balance for every rock, stick, curb, slope, etc., i encounter. with free and easy use of the tools which help me deal with the yaddahs of the blahs, the obstacles don't need to diminish the joys of the ride.

 

[PamelaS]

Growing up, all the C-PTSD trauma in our family was a family secret that must not be talked about. It's been a long journey and struggle to be able to speak about it and to experience validation of it.

On that journey, including trauma therapy, I feel like there's been an over-focussing on the trauma, to some degree. It makes me feel like most of my childhood/ life is broken, damaged, full of trauma.

But there have been many, many blessings in my life too. And I don't know how to process those sitting alongside so much trauma.

As a child I was taught that blessings invalidate the trauma... A weird kind of logic... That if something good happens to you, then it cancels out the traumatic things that happened to you? Also, I remember being forced to be "more grateful" for the blessings in my life and was made to feel like an ungrateful b*tch for being sad and grieving the trauma that was also happening.

I feel like to compensate that, I've over-focussed on seeing and voicing the trauma, and also that the trauma has often left me numb and unable to "feel" the blessings.

I struggle to find a good balance with this.

Anyone else who's either struggling with this or has learned to balance it well?

As I see it, the blessings in my life have helped me to survive the trauma. Without the blessings, there would’ve been no hope. Hope that helps.

i struggle with this one on a regular basis. weird logic is an understatement. it be one of the bodies of social chit chat i tend to wander away from without comment. weird logic, indeed. then we get to its sister logic that finding relief in someone else being worse off than i am. maybe just because that chit chat too often leads to people being grateful, they are not me.

another one i struggle with, except that i embrace this struggle daily, beginning with my morning meditation where i start with a moment of appreciation and gratitude for the blessings. i then take an inventory of my current condition and prepare whatever tools i will need to cope with them.

a meditation i enjoy for this balancing act is riding a bicycle. as i ride, i am adjusting my balance for every rock, stick, curb, slope, etc., i encounter. with free and easy use of the tools which help me deal with the yaddahs of the blahs, the obstacles don't need to diminish the joys of the ride.

Me too.

 

[anthony]

But there have been many, many blessings in my life too. And I don't know how to process those sitting alongside so much trauma.

Have you ever watched a killer or serial killers family on the news stand there in dismay as their loved one is dragged away for horrendous crimes? When those people speak, they speak usually only good about the person. Everyone else looking in, all they know is the bad the person did. People say things like, "how do you love such a person" and other horrible things, yet to those people who know the person, they're just x to them, not this horrible killer or such.

There is a person, then there are their actions.

Those two things are very very different, and that is what people often fail to dissociate, disconnect, from one another. You can have a loving family who have many good memories, yet moments of trauma tangled within. Even if you have daily trauma, there are moments, then you have the rest. Everyone is neither bad nor good. People lean both ways, a sliding scale as such. But there is no actual end that is all good or all bad.

Separate the good from the bad, simply put. But to do that, you often need to understand the complexities of human psychology. That is one area I learnt for my own benefit, as I sat as you do now, wondering the same thing. So I had to understand psychology of people better in order to separate, to learn, people are not all one thing, they are a complicated mixture of many things, experiences, behaviours, love, hate, passion, warmth, chaos and destruction. We can be all of those things, and lots more.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have been so lucky in. Life yet cursed at the same time. Materially I have been blessed but emotionally I am lost. I can’t see the good. I try to talk myself out of the anxiety and emotional flashbacks but my success is limited.

 

[Friday]

When I’m doing WELL? My life is in chapters. The past informing the present, but not afflicting/effecting the present. That was then. This is now. Which comes FROM all the thens, but is unique to the alchemy that is …the NEXT chapter.

When I’m doing badly? Imagine a tornado hits a trailer/caravan. Everything everywhere & nothing/no one survived. Just torn bits of bloody gristle amongst all the shattered bits & torn metal.

 

[deno]

This is something I’ve wrestled with too—how to hold both the trauma and the good in my life at the same time without one erasing the other. It’s easy to feel like trauma defines everything, especially when that’s what gets most of the focus in therapy and personal reflection. But the good is real too. It doesn’t cancel out the pain, just like the pain doesn’t erase the good.

I think the trick is learning to hold both without letting one overshadow the other. It’s not either/or. It’s both. The trauma shaped me, but so did the moments of joy, safety, and connection. I don’t have to dismiss one to acknowledge the other.

For me, it’s about recognizing that my past isn’t just a single story—it’s a collection of them. Some chapters are dark, some are light, and some are a confusing mix of both. The goal isn’t to force gratitude or reframe everything into a positive, but to allow space for all of it.

And I get that numbness you’re talking about. There were times I couldn’t feel the good, even when I knew it was there. That’s still a work in progress. But I’ve found that when I intentionally make space for the good—really let myself sit with it, even if it feels uncomfortable—it starts to feel more real.

 

[whiteraven]

I was taught that blessings invalidate the trauma

I don't know that I was taught this, but I've certainly felt and believed it all my life.

I'm not sure how even to define "blessings." What do you mean by it?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I think the way I see it is despite the traumatic things, there are also good things I can benefit from. One doesn’t cancel out the other, but I am not hopeless. I’m/was struggling and hurting, but there is good to help get through it. It’s support not invalidation.

Sometimes I feel ungrateful, but really gratefulness isn’t measured in how well we are. I try to note to myself the things I’m happy for / that are good (As you said, it can be hard to feel it) and just keep them in mind, without bashing myself for not being well. Just reminders that there is life outside my trauma bubble, which is nice.

Guilt management is probably very difficult with your background, not sure if I have many suggestions, guilt is really tough, but the two can be true at the same time; good things and horrible feelings.

Things are hard but I’m glad I have xyz in my life.

I have a routine of acknowledging what is good and what I’m finding hard, they happen side by side, but not in competition or comparison to eachother, so I think that helps them both have screen-time they need, without the conflict.

 

[Renly]

I have DID and struggle with this a lot, especially because some parts of me have only experienced lovely memories and experiences while other parts of me have only existed in agonizing trauma time.

We have wrestled with this concept a lot. Because we have so many different viewpoints and experiences, it’s extremely difficult to know how we feel “as a whole person.” We have spent a lot of time being confused. Was it the worst thing in the world or was everything great? Does the bad wipe out the good or the good wipe out the bad? It can be so confusing day to day and we can be easily overwhelmed by the emotions/viewpoints of whomever part is nearby at the time.

For now, we have kind of settled on the fact that life consists of both amazing beauty and deep atrocity…and they co-exist side by side. It’s as if heaven and hell are here on earth….we find ourself in both of them from time to time in all the moments we are existing in/experiencing each day of our life.

I wish I had a better answer. I do know there are some studies that say that the bad holds more weight (as our brains are wired for survival) and it takes many, many, many reparative experiences for our brain to start to believe “things really are different now”….especially when it comes to trauma/ptsd type experiences.

We have also settled on it’s gonna be a roller coaster ride. So buckle up and make space for whatever shows up. The more we fight it, the less we are able to experience the entire gamut of what makes us human.

 

[PamelaS]

I think the way I see it is despite the traumatic things, there are also good things I can benefit from. One doesn’t cancel out the other, but I am not hopeless. I’m/was struggling and hurting, but there is good to help get through it. It’s support not invalidation.

Sometimes I feel ungrateful, but really gratefulness isn’t measured in how well we are. I try to note to myself the things I’m happy for / that are good (As you said, it can be hard to feel it) and just keep them in mind, without bashing myself for not being well. Just reminders that there is life outside my trauma bubble, which is nice.

Guilt management is probably very difficult with your background, not sure if I have many suggestions, guilt is really tough, but the two can be true at the same time; good things and horrible feelings.

Things are hard but I’m glad I have xyz in my life.

I have a routine of acknowledging what is good and what I’m finding hard, they happen side by side, but not in competition or comparison to eachother, so I think that helps them both have screen-time they need, without the conflict.

I have found that gratefulness can be healing. When we recognize that there are some things in our lives that are good and we focus on them and being thankful for them, it brightens the situation, no matter how dark it is. Thinking of 3 things that you are grateful for before you go to bed shifts the atmosphere of your dreams and your next day. Not saying that it’s going to make everything rosy, but it does help. Give it a try for about a month and see what happens. Would love to hear about it.

 

[PamelaS]

When I’m doing WELL? My life is in chapters. The past informing the present, but not afflicting/effecting the present. That was then. This is now. Which comes FROM all the thens, but is unique to the alchemy that is …the NEXT chapter.

When I’m doing badly? Imagine a tornado hits a trailer/caravan. Everything everywhere & nothing/no one survived. Just torn bits of bloody gristle amongst all the shattered bits & torn metal.

I’m sorry Friday. That’s really really hard.