General How Do You Show Compassion Without Appearing Condescending?

[DLadi]

How do you give the ptsd sufferer a book on ptsd? He's so stubborn that he will think that I am trying to fix him- or that I think I know better. The best line was that my compassion and understanding felt like I was being condescending. :crazy:
I did a mental check on what I had said and how I had said it... wasn't talking down to him or being overly sympathetic such as "oh, you poor thing".

I have a list of books (from Anthony's list) that I would like to get for him as the VA isn't helping a whole lot but I don't want to waste my money if he's going to be insulted and turn it against me.

 

[2quilt]

Give him the list and see if any of the books are at your public library so that he can look at them and see if he really wants to buy them. You might suggest going to get them at the library in your name because just being seen in the "self help" or "psychology" section of a store or library might keep him from getting help. We people with PTSD sometimes don't want to be caught in the "self help" section, which may be embarassing.
Tell him that you are doing this not to fix him, but because you care about him, you want to see him improve. If you wanted him for a one night stand or only for free restaurant dinners, you would not be on this forum, or thinking about how to help him. He is an investment. He is worth your effort!

 

[Deleted member 541]

You could also just get one or two, (either buy or from library) and just leave them in a space where he may see them and get curious. you could also read them yourself as they may offer you more insight as to what he is going through.

It isn't easy dealing with those of us that have PTSD. Especially those that aren't really receptive to support, advice, or acceptance with their own diagnosis......

Good luck......

 

[ThisHunger]

i like the idea of the list, that way you arent shoving a book in his face, and he still has full control on going to get the actual book.

 

[DLadi]

Thank you all for responding while I was cruising the book stores.
2Quilt- Yes, he is very important to me and he does have my heart.
She Cat- I did find two books and will read them before I give them to him... when he is in a more receptive mood- But it would be hard to put the books in his path as we don't live together... little boys involved in the equation.
ThisHunger- Oops.. already bought them... but only two.

I just hope that he reads them rather than shoving them in a drawer... he's a dragon right now.
D

 

[Deleted member 1606]

I can give you advice in a general way. He will react when some situation is emotionally similar to what caused the PTSD. Before this happens next, ask him how he would like you to respond when the bad stuff happens. You'll probably have to keep talking about it, because he may not be able to respond properly the first few times.

I think it's likely the best kind of discussion to have with him. You're not asking for anything but what he wants. Another thing you can say, if it's true is, "Whenever you feel you can, please talk to me about what happened that caused this. I care."

As PTSD sufferer, I would not respond very well to a non-PTSD sufferer saying, "I know how you feel."

 

[DLadi]

Hi Karma...
I don't think that I've ever said that I knew how he felt. I have probably said stuff like "I know that you may be feeling disconnected". My greatest frustration is that he doesn't seem to want to learn more about ptsd. I know more about how it is changing him than he does. But then I think that maybe he can't handle trying to control it yet. Maybe he's too stressed with having his boys fulltime, his ex in the desert, the holidays, work, etc. He's so turned around that he actually said that my doing the dishes at his house is my way of controling him... what can I say to that when I know he'll just turn my words around to something negative. Of course, all of this is for future conversations as I've been pushed out again. His ex will be back in January and I hope that he finds some peace at that point. I should say we as his closest friends are dealing with it all as well. It's going to be a long month!