How does anyone report someone.

[Abstract]

In the UK you can report via other means such as the Haven.

It's difficult.

I suppose, what do you want to happen if you report? What's ideal?

And if that doesn't happen?

Thank you so much. They are no longer inln the UK but I may look at that as a start point and discuss with haven. I have found victim support useful here even for stuff that has happened elsewhere.

In an alternative universe I would want someone switched onto him being a potential problem and keeping an eye on him. I don't think I have clarity enough to do more. In a way that coukd be seen as reliable to others.

If it doesn't happen. IDK. Maybe wait for two years until children leave house and I try then.

In light of that, how likely is it that anything that's happened within the family is already known? At least to the people who have been working with that eldest child? I suppose that might not matter, but reporting or not reporting might not be a case where it's you or no one. (I'm not at all sure that knowing that makes your situation any easier!)

Thank you so much, Sprout! This is foremost in my mind and is what my sister says. She says that anything that could have happened would have come out my now. That we don't know what is happening there. And maybe it is rather important to leave it to her pace if there is something. That interfereance without knowledge is a trucky one. She also believes he is a different person. I haven't had any contact for around 37 years. Never met the children. Didn't speak of the person.

I'm genuinely concerned something being shook up at this moment could make things harder for the children. Apparently, they are both in crisis. The second one supposedly as a result of repeating the most ones self harm. IDK. There are financial issues as a result of the expensive psychiatric care. At least they have gone out of their way to do that at their own cost. Would the person have done that if guilty. IDK.

But my t's response has thrown all this to the surface again. And there are people in the world other than the children.

I think I may feel clearer if I can first look at this earlier trauma. It may give me a better view of how much of a threat he may be.

Thanks again.

 

[Roland]

Hi. Thank yiu so much for sharing. I hadn't read this when I last responded. Brain starting to function.

I totally get what you are saying. And am so sorry that happened to you. On top of the other important things you mentioned, I am deeply suspicious about it reaping any successful action. I'm a bit pragmatic. How easy is it to have a successful case when so much time has hone by and our own thoughts are so interrupted. You were extraordinarily young. How do you manage to express that. Maybe you have outside proof but I don't. Mine was considerably older in relation to him and inappropriate stuff. Around 9 onwards I think. But I was already highly depersonalised. I don't even trust the clarity of my own thoughts experiences let alone ensuring someone else trusts them.

But more recently a differently type of trauma knocked stuff up from around 5 years old that related to someone else being harmed in a totally different way. Still can't go near it so don't have clarity. It's not that bad I think. But it would make me see the person differently if it is what I think.

I always look at the older stuff as him being immature and mixed up. Hopefully no harm to anyone later. He was around 22.

.I get your other thoughts on justice. I guess we do what we can when we can. Easy to say that to others.

I don't know how to report without going to the police. Will look into the other suggestions. It doesn't seem fair if I can't be clear enough and answerable enough.

My thinking is clearly not very logical. This has sprung up again unexpectedly.

It's definitely hard. I may have had people that could speak on how my dad acted in general but not obviously something such as molestation that was private. But the main reason I didn't report was just that I didn't think I had it in me to feel like I was proving myself to the police or court if it came to that. That I didn't have it in me to face my dad in a court case. In the United states you can only press charges up to a certain amount of years after the event for child abuse, and I think it was around age 21. When I was nearing that age, I felt that if I went through a trial against my dad and whatnot I felt some responsibility for "defaming" him or "ruining his life" (not that this is true but it's how I thought considering I was only 16 when I first recognized he abused me. It takes some years to unravel the gaslighting and denial that results from all that).

Anyways, all that to say, I decided against it, but I'm sure if people were willing to fight and try, they would get results. It's kind of a symptom of learned helplessness. But only you know what it's worth to you.

Often, it makes myself and my family quite angry thinking we're here with PTSD or other symptoms of trauma, depression, anxiety, etc and he's living in Florida, remarried, fat, dumb, and happy. But I think of it like surely in this life or the next, he'll pay for it. There's karma. You just can't treat people like that for 20 years and get away with it. Plus, isn't he miserable? He definitely wasn't happy when he was abusing us. Often depressed, angry, exhausted from work, wishing he had money, fame, or success, etc.

Anyways, way more monologuing than necessary here. I think it's a very personal decision and you can make the best of it no matter which route you take.

 

[scout86]

but I'm sure if people were willing to fight and try, they would get results.

I'm sure they would get results, but I'm not at all sure what those results would be. Sometimes things go the way they should and sometimes they don't. I talked about reporting someone with my T a number of times. He didn't advise a course of action, one way or the other. What he did was was to consider the result I was looking for and how likely was I to get it. Also, how would I feel about NOT getting it...... My take away from that was that I should focus on deciding what my motives were (or should be) and what "success" was, and was I likely to "succeed", and what might it cost. I don't live in the UK and am not familiar with Haven, but that sounds like a good place to start. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of scenarios and could help you think through how to proceed. I know that, personally, there's a big part of me that believes in Justice and would like to be an avenging angel etc, but I also know that the world we live in often doesn't operate that way. One thing I'm sure of? It's cool that you're worried about the young people who are involved here!

 

[Roland]

I'm sure they would get results, but I'm not at all sure what those results would be. Sometimes things go the way they should and sometimes they don't. I talked about reporting someone with my T a number of times. He didn't advise a course of action, one way or the other. What he did was was to consider the result I was looking for and how likely was I to get it. Also, how would I feel about NOT getting it...... My take away from that was that I should focus on deciding what my motives were (or should be) and what "success" was, and was I likely to "succeed", and what might it cost. I don't live in the UK and am not familiar with Haven, but that sounds like a good place to start. I'm sure they've seen all kinds of scenarios and could help you think through how to proceed. I know that, personally, there's a big part of me that believes in Justice and would like to be an avenging angel etc, but I also know that the world we live in often doesn't operate that way. One thing I'm sure of? It's cool that you're worried about the young people who are involved here!

I think I meant in the big picture. The main reason childhood incest abusers get away with it is because their victims don't report (that's what I believe anyways). If the police or court is dismissive of you personally, that sucks. But later down the line, when they get similar reports from other victims, they actually convict the offender.

You're right that there's no way of knowing the outcome and you may get no beneficial results from reporting and may even find the process damaging.

 

[Friday]

I think I meant in the big picture. The main reason childhood incest abusers get away with it is because their victims don't report (that's what I believe anyways). If the police or court is dismissive of you personally, that sucks. But later down the line, when they get similar reports from other victims, they actually convict the offender

In the US, in recent years, the stats for successful prosecution have actually doubled in cases of sexual assault; from 1.5% to 3%.

Incest cases, though have far less success.

When 3% is the “big” number? Manage expectations.

 

[Roland]

In the US, in recent years, the stats for successful prosecution have actually doubled in cases of sexual assault; from 1.5% to 3%.

Incest cases, though have far less success.

When 3% is the “big” number? Manage expectations.

Good point